How to Get Into Heaven. A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in." "Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly." "That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points." "Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully." "Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point." "One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them." "Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!" "Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place." "Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."

Christian Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/4171195

And now the weather report from Hell, where it’s 666 degrees – both in Fahrenheit and Celsius, one of the many things we do for your convenience here in the hottest place anywhere.

Weather Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/8235233

A rich man was very faithful about going to church. His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The rich man wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth." St. Peter said, "We're readying your residence." Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous
mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the rich man in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours." The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?" St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich on earth, this was the best we could do with the money that you donated to us."

Money Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6778856

Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows 9.

Computer And Internet Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/13766855

The Real Difference Between Heaven And Hell. A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible. "Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished. "I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?" The Lord smiled. "Ah, it is simple," he said. "Here they have learned to feed each other."

Life And Living Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/12530954

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”

-George Carlin

George Carlin Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/13702714

Thermodynamics Of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Midterm Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

(Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant)

One student, however, wrote the following....

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With both birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and the pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in dating her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

School Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6385552

Freddy Fish

Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St. Peter where Sam was.

"Sorry, he didn't make it in."

"You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy.

"Yes."

"Well, I want to go see him!"

"This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the big guy."

Moments later St. Peter returned and said:

"You can go, but you can only stay for one hour."

"Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down.

When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign:

SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE

He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend. They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks. Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator.

The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch.

"You just barely made it," said St. Peter.

"I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go back there!"

"What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter.

So Freddy Fish says:

"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

Pun Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/13691568

Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in Heaven. "What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk." "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates." "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to read." "Fine . . . go right on in through the Pearly Gates!" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy." "Good, you can load in through the kitchen."

Music Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/5179046

“Hell is full of musical amateurs.”

-George Bernard Shaw

One-Liner And Quotation Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/6795267

Redemption. While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?", the checker said. "Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Shopping And Retail Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/13902784

“I'm going to let God be the judge of who goes to Heaven and Hell.”

-Joel Osteen

Forgiveness Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/12744162

A MAN AND HIS DOG
http://www.christinyou.net/pages/mananddog.html

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."

That's really great, thanks, SunnyBunn! ; - )

Very funny! Thanks for sharing.