i dont really know how to start this.... i dont want to be thought badly of... so if my writing seems to be chaotic i do apologize... also i know i put this in the title but i want to say it one more time before i start.... please do not read this if you are triggered by certain things like this... please read at your own discretion....

my life wasnt exactly easy, probably far from it to be honest. the run down before i start: Mom was and still is an alcoholic and drug addict dealing with her own issues, Dad did the best he could i suppose but was very controlling and religious fanatic.. not to offend anybody but he has that typical down south mentality (women are property, have no rights etc.) my family is very broken and always has been...grandparents on both sides were very unstable and abusive towards my parents when they were young...

Anyway... when i was about 3 or 4 is when my mom started to beat me. she used to get drunk and then take her agression out on me when my dad was at work. she was a stay at home mom so she never really left the house. early morning she would start drinking which meant she would end up passing out mid day. so i would have to fend for myself as far as getting things to eat or drink (which usually ended in disaster). i would climb on the counters to reach bowls, plates or utensils to "try" to cook something. usually consisted of me trying my microwave eggs in a bowl since i didnt know how to use the stove. i would end up making a huge mess with the milk because it was heavy for me and couldnt stabily pour it. which meant as soon as mom woke up she was pissed. she used to put responsibilities on me far greater than i could handle such as taking care of my baby brother who was just an infant and "making sure to wake her so she wasnt late for an appointment" or whatever it happened to be. but she would always get pissed at me when i tried to wake her and then she was mad at me for not waking her once she was late. i could never win.

there was one occasion where mom had beat me for something i didnt do. i dont even remember what it was but i remember telling her that i hate her and she started balling her eyes out. i remember falling asleep in a ball in a corner and when dad came home he made me apologize to mom for being bad and saying i hate her.

this was going on every single day... then when i started kindergarten i had some sense of freedom. but the teachers and students thought there was something wrong with me because i wouldnt talk or socialize with the other kids. so i started to be bullied by the other kids, then it didnt really feel like freedom anymore. the school bullying and the abuse at home continued and i didnt know that this wasnt normal. i hadnt known any different at this point.

acouple years passed and i was just turning 7 my once lonely neighborhood actually had another little girl my age move in just down the street. (i dont want to use her real name so i will just call her Natalie and her older sister Maddie who is about 16 at this time) Natalie about a year younger than me came up to me when i was playing outside. she asked if i wanted to play with dolls with her and i hesitantly said ok. a few weeks passed and we were virtually unseperable. she was the fisrt real friend i had at this point. i was always at her house doing what normal little girl do. dress up, pretend, dolls etc. then one day Natalie asked if i would spend the night with her and he big sister Maddie. I asked my parents and they said ok and i got ready for my first....and last sleepover. it was great at first, i went over right after school for the weekend and we played dress up, dolls made cookies with her mom etc. but then it got dark and it was time for us to go to sleep. But her sister, Maddie, had other plans... she convinced Natalie and i to go on an adventure in the woods. we snuck out the bedroom window in our PJs and followed Maddie into the woods. It was really dark and i remember holding Natalies hand as we made our way through the thick brush and into a clearing. a bright light shined in my eyes from a flashlight and Maddie grabbed my arm and shoved me forward.... someone else grabbed me and i was unsure of what was exactly happening..... I wont go into details but basically Maddie had led Natalie and i to the clearing in the woods so that Maddie's boyfriend could rape us... I remeber crying and screaming for him to stop and for someone to help me but no one ever came... that was the last time i stayed the night at anyones house for a long time...

then a few years passed and my family and i had moved to a different town.... i was about 10 years old at this point and i had never told anyone about that night in the woods and practically had forgotten completely... My aunt had gotten married and i met my new cousin who was married into the family. he was 6 years older than me but took a strange liking to me almost immediately... being very touchy and following me around everywhere. i didnt think it was weird at the time i just thought he was annoying... but no one in my family seemed to think it was weird either... at this point in time my parents would send me to my grandparents house for most of the time. then about six monthes later we were sitting in the living rooma at my grandparents house it was me and zack (my cousin) on the couch and my grandma and grandpa in their chairs and my aunt on the other sofa. everyone has fallen asleep in the chairs. so i went to get up and leave the living room but he pulled me back down before i could get up. he put a blanket ove us both and i didnt want to say anything for fear of waking them up. he then put his hands down my pants and started fingering me with my family in the room. he didnt even stop after my aunt got up to use the restroom. there were times at my grandmas house that he would come in my room after everyone went to sleep just to molest me and rape me. this happened almost every single night. i was so afraid to fall asleep and even go to bed that i would ask my grandma if i could sleep with her but she wouldnt always let me.

sometimes he would hold me under the water in the pool and molest me. there was one time i was hiding on the pool deck from him in the middle of the night because i didnt want him to rape me again that night. apparently he found me or saw me out there and went out there. he asked me what was wrong what i was doing out there. so i told him i didnt want him to hurt me again. he then held me in his arms and said no no no i love you im not hurting you im loving you... i just want to protect you and make you feel like youre worth something. then he picked me up and walked me over to the pool and put me and him in the pool with our clothes on. he then started kissing me and tried pushing him away.then he kept dunking me under the water over and over again. everytime i came up he would kiss me. he was so confusing.... one minute he was calling me names and telling me im worthless and the next he saying how much he loved me and couldnt live without me.

on another occasion he had cornered me in a closet.he had pushed me inside and started to take off my clothes.... i was struggling so i had knocked over a toy box i had in there and it scratched my arm when it fell. nobody was home so when i cried for help nobody heard me and nobody came. My brother was out playing in the woods mom went to her friends and dad was at work.
he was 6 feet tall and weighed over 200 lbs to my 4 foot 9 inches weighing 85 lbs at the time.... how could i ever win against him? even at my own house i was never safe from him since he was always at my house as well. even when sleeping my own my own bed i was never safe...multiple times he placed the blanket over my face to keep me quiet. i couldnt barely breathe and all i could hear was the lawn mower and him hurting me.he had bruised my wrists one night from holding me down too tight. nobody noticed or at least nobody asked what happened... not family. not even the school...how could nobody know that something had happened...

this was going on for many years and at age 12 i had started to see fairies in the woods... i would usually run into the woods to hide from zack because he had a harder time finding me that way... one time i was running through the woods because i knew he was following me. i tried going through places he wasnt familiar with but he ended up catching up with me. when i looked back to see how close he had gotten i tripped and fell. he immediately pinned me down. he was sweating and out of breath and angry with me for running from him i was sure. i could see it all over his face. he spit on my face and called me a bitch then picked me up and carried me to a tree. he pinned me up against it and started to molest me rubbing his fat sweaty body all over me. my chest was all scratched up from the tree bark and he pulled my pants down and started to molest me... everytime he did things to me in the woods he would just leave me there. i would usually go run deeper in the woods and cry and look for my fairies..... once i had found my fairies they would comfort me and make me forget everything that was happening.. i believed they were real ive been told since then they were thing my mind had created to help me cope with the trauma... i still today find it hard to believe they were never real...

when i was 15 my parents divorced the house we were living in forclosed and we had to move... dealing with my cousin my mom still abusing me, and now more than ever due to the divorce, and my dad never being around because of work, i started to self harm. i would cut myself every day on multiple areas of my body... i would also try to take my own life several times and be sent to a mental instittuion for suicide attempts... then at 16 or so i started to rebel against my brought up religion... questioning their teachings and my dad believed the only way to help was to send me to an institution as "punishment for my sins"... i would start to tell me parents about my cousin after gaining courage and realising that was happening was wrong... but my dad would tell me that i was lying or that i wanted it or that i was just crazy... so i stopped trying to tell my family about the abuses.... on one of my trips to the mental house however....i  broke down and told them everything.... social services got involved and my brother and i were almost taken away twice... the only reason my cousin ended up stopping was because social services demanded my cousin be separated from me.... but because my family did not want to press charges on him nothing ever happened with him legally... but i was just thankful i never had to see him again...

even after that though my mom was still beating me and her and i would get into physical fights daily....at this point 50% of the time she provoked the other 50% i was the one provoking the fights... i was so angry at the world in general. i would fight with my mom and my dad, i was still self harming and still would think of suicide... i was failing in school and the psychiatrist thought that the only was to help me was to medicate me to the point that i was a walking zombie.... i had spent 15 trips to the mental house in total.... more than half the time i was being sent there by my dad for rebelling against God... i grew to hate religion as well as the world...

at the age of 18 i had decided that once i graduated high school i was going to go down to the bridge and kill myself... because i didnt have any hope or reason to live at this point.... there was literally nothing good in my life...

i was held back twice and ended up being scheduled to graduate at 19... i had enrolled myself into a dropout prevention school. then about 1 year before graduation i met someone that saved my life... he convinced me to come off my medication which helped tremendously... i was able to think somewhat clearly for the first time in a forever so it seemed. then about 3 months before graduation i had told him about my plan to kill myself after graduation... he had talked me out of it after weeks of long nights and long talks... we had started dating shortly after but when my dad found out that i had a boyfriend he kicked me out of the house 3 days after i graduated.... i had no where to go and my boyfriend was long distance out of state.... he came and picked me up and i moved in with him. i have been living with him ever since....

things still arent perfect but its getting better... recently the memories of the night when i was 7 years old have been resurfacing and its caused me to have sleepless nights, night mares, flash backs and upon other many symptoms and issues.... but i do not take any medication and do not plan to go back on it because it never helped... i am planning on going to see a therapist soon to try and work through my past trauma but  i am afraid to actually go and talk to a real person about it... its different online where i dont have to actually speak... but lately it has been very overwhelming dealing with the flashbacks and the memories.... but i am hopeful since ive come this far then surely i can get past this too....but it is extremely difficult....