I definitely understand this! Sometimes, I don't react right away because I'm still processing the information. I've allowed such conversations to continue to just wait and see all that is said. And then I react later. I end up feeling guilty because I didn't say something right then and there. But then again, I have this fear of confrontation and I was taught to "not make waves" when I was growing up, so there are several factors at play in these situations. I've kept my mouth shut on more occasions than I can count and that sometimes leads me to simply not paying close attention when things like this happen in front of me. It's almost like I just simply tune it out at the time and then later, when I'm not in any danger of processing and reacting to the situation, I think about it and realize how wrong it was.

I think maybe those of us who have a history of abuse in our lives tend to stay detached in the face of these kinds of situations. Almost like some sort of automatic coping mechanism that we developed to deal with abusive situations we couldn't escape from. Unfortunately, as adults this coping skill doesn't always serve us very well. We witness unprofessional or abusive behavior and we simply tune out. Then, a week later there we are thinking about it and wonder why it took us so long to see the situation for what it was. Then we feel bad because we didn't do something about it at the time. And we can even sometimes take that a step further and convince ourselves that its too late because what happened is said and done, so then we do nothing at all except make ourselves feel bad about who we are.

I think your plan to address the situation tomorrow is a good plan. It shows your professionalism and it sets the boundary that you will not participate or put up with this kind of behavior. Don't worry that it took you a week to see it. You can counter this tendency, even if its only occasionally, by becoming more aware of your instincts in other aspects of your life. The more you listen to what your gut is telling you, the more tuned in you become to every situation that is around you. Child abuse victims and survivors usually have suppressed their gut reactions or learned to ignore them. We have to tune back in to what is happening inside of us and follow our natural urges.

One way I did this was to tell myself over and over that my instincts are never wrong. I started to follow what my gut said, despite what my brain was telling me, and discovered that my instincts were protecting me and prompting me towards healthier choices. It was awkward at first, but over time it became easier to do.

It gives me a lot of anxiety for me to do this. I will post tomorrow after work about how it went. I happen to have counseling after work tomorrow so I think I am armed with good support. Wish me luck!

Hi Chris,

I wish you lots of luck with this. I am another who does not like confrontation at all, but I can see that there is actually value in some kinds. (A friend pointed out that if everyone was always in agreement and we were all headed down the wrong road, a counter opinion could get us back on track.) Anyway, this situation is different and it sounds like it was really inappropriate. Good for you addressing this! And yes, I often think of an appropriate response after-the-fact.

Shar

Good Luck, Chris! Looking forward to hearing how it goes!

OK people. Thank you for your support and interest. I'm back home from work today. At today's meeting I planned to talk to the people that were involved, but then I found out that the IT Director was going to be at today's meeting and I decided not to talk at the meeting. So what I did instead was to talk to the two most important parties involved one-on-one. First my immediate supervisor and then the Director.

I too a little more time to talk to my immediate supervisor since I have a better rapport with him and I felt more comfortable talking to him. I talked to the Director in less that two minutes but I feel like I was heard. I wanted to keep it short and to the point.

My immediate supervisor didn't apologize but he acknowledged that it was inappropriate. The Director apologized.

Case closed. I think.

Well, you stood your ground and said your peace. GOOD FOR YOU! Hopefully, you'll see a change happen, now that they know you won't tolerate that kind of environment.

Good for you Chris. I think talking to them privately was the way to go. If you would have brought it up in front of others, egos would be feeling defensive. I hope this changes future behavior by these supervisors in a good way!