A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
Hello everyone.
So one of my sisters has been talking to me recently. I haven't heard from her since 2005 or so, then since my father went on surgery, my siblings have been calling me trying to drag me into their nonsense with the excuse of "your own father is sick and you have to drop everything and come here to join us". Anyway, I'm too old and recovered to buy into any of their miserable nonsense.
However, this one sister has contacted me several times. Since I know her, I knew exactly why she wanted to stay in touch (to ask for money). The first time she called she "wanted to know about depression". I did tell her a bout depression, but in the conversation I managed to mention to her that people in my family contact me for three things only (1) to ask for money (2) to get information for some kind of gossip, or (3) both. I mentioned that I have no interest in giving money to anyone, regardless of me having (or not) any.
I though that I was clear enough for her to understand. She didn't ask me for money, though she started trying to give me the typical sad story. Here's the kicker: she told me that she doesn't have electricity because she can't afford it, she's about to have water shut down too. But she wants money to come to NYC to a wedding! Yep, that's what she asked money for.
Anyway, the second time she called, she didn't even say hello. Her exact words were: "Hello, you say that we only call you for money so I'm calling you for money". Just like that, bear in mind that she hasn't talked to me in years. She called when I was in the middle of a staff meeting, and she didn't want me to hang up.
Today she called AGAIN!
So I was wondering what part of no she doesn't get. Then it all fell into place. I completely forgot where I came from and how my family dynamic is. She's not going to understand no until I become abusive to her. I have to yell at her, curse at her, make her feel like a piece of crap in order for her to get it. I completely forgot that my family has absolutely no sense of civility, especially when trying to set boundaries.
So at first I was feeling bad about this, then I just realize how much progress I have made. I am completely detached from the way my family treat each other.
This makes me a little sad that they are still in the same dirt, but happy that all that nonsense is not part of my life. It is important for me to share about this since sometimes I get caught up in sad, victim type of thinking, without remembering that I in fact have a much better life now.
So one of my sisters has been talking to me recently. I haven't heard from her since 2005 or so, then since my father went on surgery, my siblings have been calling me trying to drag me into their nonsense with the excuse of "your own father is sick and you have to drop everything and come here to join us". Anyway, I'm too old and recovered to buy into any of their miserable nonsense.
However, this one sister has contacted me several times. Since I know her, I knew exactly why she wanted to stay in touch (to ask for money). The first time she called she "wanted to know about depression". I did tell her a bout depression, but in the conversation I managed to mention to her that people in my family contact me for three things only (1) to ask for money (2) to get information for some kind of gossip, or (3) both. I mentioned that I have no interest in giving money to anyone, regardless of me having (or not) any.
I though that I was clear enough for her to understand. She didn't ask me for money, though she started trying to give me the typical sad story. Here's the kicker: she told me that she doesn't have electricity because she can't afford it, she's about to have water shut down too. But she wants money to come to NYC to a wedding! Yep, that's what she asked money for.
Anyway, the second time she called, she didn't even say hello. Her exact words were: "Hello, you say that we only call you for money so I'm calling you for money". Just like that, bear in mind that she hasn't talked to me in years. She called when I was in the middle of a staff meeting, and she didn't want me to hang up.
Today she called AGAIN!
So I was wondering what part of no she doesn't get. Then it all fell into place. I completely forgot where I came from and how my family dynamic is. She's not going to understand no until I become abusive to her. I have to yell at her, curse at her, make her feel like a piece of crap in order for her to get it. I completely forgot that my family has absolutely no sense of civility, especially when trying to set boundaries.
So at first I was feeling bad about this, then I just realize how much progress I have made. I am completely detached from the way my family treat each other.
This makes me a little sad that they are still in the same dirt, but happy that all that nonsense is not part of my life. It is important for me to share about this since sometimes I get caught up in sad, victim type of thinking, without remembering that I in fact have a much better life now.
When my sister fell into depression after her second husband died, I couldn't get anybody to help her. I was too sick to travel, and I live a long way from where they all live. Someone in her apartment building called the police, and they found her nearly dead. Her grown son was supposed to be taking care of her, but all he was doing was forging her name on her income checks and spending the money on himself.
So I finally realized what jackals they all are, after pleading with them one by one to go look in on her to see if she was all right. Now the State has my sister in a nursing home with orders that her family is only allowed to visit her at the facility...after neglecting her so badly. She has five grown children, none of them would help her.
I also think it is wonderful that you were able to take a step back and recognize the pattern. I find it so easy to recognize codependent behaviors in others, compared to my own behaviors. Not only is this a victory for you, but sharing this reminds others (like me) about taking care of and loving self enough to stay away from the drama.
Hugs,
Shar