Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. Period.
I think that there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel at that moment to your children (I am disappointed that you were out drinking, but I love you no matter what.) But you have to make sure you tell them you still love them, and show them you still love them! I do this all the time with my son, IE, "it makes me very sad when you hit me because I won't let you have a chocolate before diner, but I still love you. And I understand that you are mad, but please don't hit me to express it."

Even with animals, any intelligent person knows with holding love or care does not effectively control or teach them either! You may swat a horse who bites you, but you still love your horse, you just don't love that action/behavior. Animals get that too, a horse is not head shy because you swat it when it bites, it learns that a bite results in a swat. So it avoids the swat by not biting, but it still likes you, even after you swatted it. The same is not true if the swat is intentional but not consistent, if you hit a horse for no reason, they will start to dislike you, avoid you, and act out in dangerous ways when avoidance fails. Likewise, if you accidentally swat a horse (you go to move your hair and they are too close) the often won't even flinch. Even a horse, a dog, a cat, can see the difference between intentional correction, intentional abuse, and accidents. Oh, and swats are used with animals many times because that is how they communicate to each other, it takes a horse very little time to learn that for people, our hands function same as their mouths and feet. A mother horse scolds a young horse for things (like being to rough) by "rapping" the colt with her teeth clenched, then by biting, then by kicking or striking out as a last resort. They "get" physical reprimand. With holding love, feed, or care teaches squat. They don't get that kind of treatment.
People however, are verbal. With holding love does not control children. IMO, I would guess that it leads to worse behaviors. Especially as the child learns that there is no right answer, there is no right way to earn that love. We can comprehend the fact that someone is "controlling" us, and at some point, it leads to resentment and anger and self destructive behaviors.
I think it is a ridiculous idea, I can't believe anyone would EVER encourage it's use!

I've seen wildlife films where mama bears swat their cubs or even give them "time-outs". But the key, I think, is that the disapproval or the anger doesn't last, and the cub knows the reason for it...so they take it in stride.

I think the really damaging stuff happens when a parent manipulates constantly...when it becomes a habitual tool of control. Then the child never knows real affection...it's all just a nasty game the parent plays.

In my case, I really think my parents enjoyed playing the game. They got gratification out of playing a game they always won...and the rules became more and more absurd.

I guess thats the truth of it right there! And it is consistent reproach for a distinct behavior, momma bears don't say, time out a cub because they didn't pick berries correctly! LOL!

I guess thats why I am so apposed to this "method" of teaching. It sure didn't work well on me. And in retrospect, the love/attention/needed things which were withheld were done so for vague reasons. They didn't love me because my grades weren't good, ok, they were b's, so next semester, all A+'s, and still, I could/should have done better. Because I didn't fold the laundry right, but no matter how it was folded, it wasn't right.
They toyed with me, and it was wrong, just plain wrong.

I had a friend who used an interesting technique she gained from a horse trainer she used on the hard and fast rules for her children, IE, hitting, when her daughter slapped her and said "I hate you!" as an example, she did it right back, not hard, but just enough to grab the girls attention, and then she'd say :How does that feel? Did it hurt? Inside and out, right? So why would you do that to me? I love you, but it hurts me when you slap me, and it hurts me when you say mean things. Please don't do to me what you wouldn't want returned." As her children have grown, they have turned into very sweet, thoughtful but strong and opinionated people. I am forever impressed with how politically correct they are, they say what they need to, get their point across and stand their ground, but never hurt anyone in the process.
But it isn't right for me either, I think it would give me flashbacks and panic attacks! LOL!

My A- grades were the ones my parents spotted right away on my report card..."Why didn't you get an A+?" Nothing was ever good enough.

Lol! Mine too :P I still remember kids who were paid by the A, plus or minus, or kids who had parties when they got straight A's, and I'd think, how come they did better then me?
Course it didn't take me long to be a straight F student, I think by about 5th grade I was failing out of school, the logic in my mind bein that if I got in trouble for A's, why put the effort in? If I was going to get in trouble anyways, might as well enjoy it and have it worthwhile! I never even graduated high school, I got by, but why bother? It didn't matter how well or how poorly I did, I still got in trouble, so I started working instead, then I got paid and someone was happy with what I was doing!

(In response to CountryWoman's Reply #5)

This basically explains why I gave up on school after long enough. I actually kept switching back and forth between failing to spite my mother and succeeding for myself and my own future. But it was stranger than not being rewarded for perfection and only being punished for falling short. The part that really got to me was how none of my efforts to be a "good child"(or really a good person) seemed to have any effect on the way I was treated. I would speak to other peoples' parents about the way that my mother didn't trust me, as well as the strange confining rules. They would suggest to me that I simply "prove" to my mother that I could be trusted; the problem just HAD to be me. They didn't understand that I had done all that. I had been quiet, waited my turn, held feelings inside, listened to the rules, obeyed beyond reason, all to no avail. It wasn't about me and my flaws. It was about an imaginary problem that may happen in the future if I wasn't smothered, put under surveillance, and trapped.

I was raised with a mom like this and an absent father and abusive step-father. Recently she moved to the town I lived in after the death of her husband and I am married with two children (2 and 4). I am working really hard on me to not be the time of mom I was given. Children must know they are loved no matter what. Otherwise the delicate soul will forever doubt others and themselves and be on the quest to just be loved.

The greatest gift you could give to anyone, especially your child is unconditional love. Unconditional love is about loving that child for who they are not necessarily for what they do. Withholding love from your child based on what they do teaches them mistakes are intolerable and that love is conditioned upon them acting perfectly. Who can possibly do that? Making mistakes and acting badly at times is part of growing up and learning to be an adult. Unconditional love teaches a child it is OK to figure out life.

Maybe that's the key to my own fear of making mistakes...all that conditional love taught me that failing at things means you lose what matters most to you...you have to succeed perfectly at everything you do and there's no room for mistakes and falling short.

Life becomes a high-wire act with no net for children raised that way. Sometimes I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to prove that I'm worthy enough, skilled enough, hardworking enough.

Yes Richie, that's what happens. We want our parent's love so we become "conditioned." Hence the conditional love. It is part of our survival mode - attachment to a caretaker is necessary for survival. Therefore, we have no choice but to do what we have to to be loved and cared for. I grew up the same way. Always striving for perfection, afraid to make a mistake. Making mistakes for me was not only withdrawal of love but often an excuse for parents to get angry and abusive. I'm still paying for it now with high expectations for myself and others. But I'm trying and in counseling. The "perfectionist" is a part of me that developed a long time ago when I had to take charge, taking care of my siblings and being the mother mine wasn't. I have to let her know that she did well taking over when she had to but now I'm all grown up and she can be a kid again.

My parents were like this. I have experienced God to be the same way. Every reward has a price. Can't pay it? Too bad. The gift will be given to another who can perform, smile, give desired results, keep from making too many mistakes. And then representatives from the religion I was brought up in come knocking on my door to tell me I am wrong, that God loves ALL of his children all of the time, that evidence of his love is always around me, and I think back on all of the rejection and trauma and wonder how a loving God can even condone the violations let alone ask me to forgive the unrepentant abusers yet violating me, and allow such crippling suffering to exist. Since when did inflicting pain in order to punish and control the behavior and choices of others become love?

Thanks for all the thoughtful posts, Richie D.

It hurts because for me, the conditions went even deeper than just what I did - it was what I thought, how I thought, and how I felt. I still feel a great deal of pressure to respond to things the way others expect me to.

Ugh. I fucking hate it when my mother ignores me when I piss her off terribly. It annoys me to NO END. Sorry for cussing. It just really urks me. It doesn't bug me as much, but still. Especially when I try to still talk to her and she just sits there ugh. I just hate it. That's all I can say. At least yell at me or something so I get some kind of reaction out of you.

That cold, silent treatment is the worst.

Children are not pets or possessions. Children are human beings in a developing state.

Saying I will only love you if you -
-are perfect
-make me happy
-never make mistakes
-don't resemble your father/mother
-please me
-make me look good in my social circle
-are perfectly still and quiet as a mouse every moment of every day
-act as my personal slave
-don't take up my time
-make it possible for me to live my life vicariously through you
-show no emotions
-show no weaknesses
-don't try to be better than me
-are pretty/handsome/athletic/highly intelligent/talented
-are exactly like me

We could list many more conditional and controlling parenting demands. This type of parenting can be a problem because it is unforgiving. Children need to be run around and make noise, explore, try new things, make mistakes get small cuts and scratches and bruises from playing hard, get into minor trouble, and learn right from wrong and better from lesser. The word for this is childhood, a time when we test our physical limits and learn to interact with others. Controlling parents and conditional love parents often cannot forgive children for being - what else but -children. Children are not small adults. Children are children and should be treated as such, with love and forgiveness and progressive age-appropriate responsibilities and freedoms. If allowed to be children, they will someday become healthy, well-rounded adults, comfortable with themselves, others, and the world in which they live. If not allowed to be children, they may become adults with difficulties fitting into society or adults who need more assistance from professionals than would otherwise be necessary.