A Child Abuse Survivors Group Community Group
We survived child abuse, but the pain still remains and so do the other effects which can last a lifetime. We are often unable to find adequate help, and we are seeking answers that can help us understand what happened so that we can go on to lead normal lives. (Please note that this is a group for child abuse survivors only. If you are a professional in the mental health...
Hello.
Here I am again with another issue. It actually makes me realize that I haven't told my story, that I have just mentioned bits and pieces...
Anyway, today I got a call from my mother. My father just had a heart attack and is in the hospital. He doesn't seem like he's going to make it. He's 76 years old and already had bypass surgery in the past. My father is one of my sexual abusers, and he was also a violent man. He truly thought that he could get away with abusing use because he truly believed that the end of the world was so close that we were supposed to be in paradise before us becoming adults. Before becoming religious he was an alcoholic. He used to hit my mother but stopped once he converted, and started hitting us all our children. I also know that he sexually abused at least one of my brothers too.
My relationship with my parents has always been conflicted. My mother is undiagnosed something (my best guess is manic depressive). She was also a rageaholic. I grew up in a very violent and loud environment where there was no respect for anyone in the house.
As an adult, of course I was very resentful of them, but for some reason I couldn't hate them. So most of my adulthood has been spent trying to have some kind of relationship where I can see them without hurting them or getting hurt. It has been quite a challenge, but in the last 8 or so years I have been going to the Caribbean where they live to spend a few days with them.
Though I have never mentioned directly to my therapist the abuse I went through growing up, I have mentioned my relationship with my parents and have provided enough information for her to do the math. Something that I did was making a list of things I believe are important to talk to them about before they pass away.
One thing was making sure that they have a will. I mentioned it to them, thinking that it's in their own best interest to have things in order. I also asked them about health care. When I left that year, a few months after I had that talk with them, someone in my family told me that my parents took that as me interested in their estate and fishing for how much I'll get. It was heart breaking, but I pretended I never heard that.
In another year, I sat with them and told them: "Mom, dad, I want you to know that right now I am committed to stay in touch with you and to make sure you are OK. If anything happens you know how to contact me. My house is open for you two. If one goes and the other stays, I am more than happy to have the surviving spouse living with me. I am not of your religion anymore, but I can take you to church with no problem and make sure that you make it to preaching every day. The one thing that I cannot do for any of you is being at a funeral, viewings or memorial services. We are 7 children and the other 6 can very well take care of that part. I am committed to support you before and after one of you pass, but know that you cannot count on me for dealing with funeral arrangements." They agreed. They asked why, and I said that I just don't go to funerals, period.
The truth is that knowing my family, I prefer to mourn and grieve alone on my own. I have a clean conscience that I spent my life when they are alive trying to have the best relationship and being a responsible son. Some of my brothers and sisters are very dysfunctional and as abusive as my parents were/are. Attending a funeral is not going to be a great experience for me. I fail to see how it could be anything but yet another display of loud arguing, disrespect, rage and all the nonsense I grew up with. And of course, I have no desire of forming part of it.
Then there's the religious aspect of it. The religious organization I grew up with was as abusive. In fact, it's considered a cult by many people. And the last thing I want is to have to hear yet another sermon, or going to one of their churches to hear all the spiritually twisted and abusive crap I grew up hearing. I refuse to set foot in one of those places, even if it means not going to my own father's funeral or memorial service. I refuse to see so many faces I know too well that were just too painful for me to look at again.
I walked away from it all for a reason. I make sure I see my parents every year and talk to them frequently just so I can do what I am doing now which is caring for my father as a responsible son, but not exposing myself to the bunch of abusive assholes that some of my siblings are. My family is broken and a death is not going to make anyone any less dysfunctional.
So here I am, sharing about it here, to people I have never seen personally but that I trust care and know how this feels.
Here I am again with another issue. It actually makes me realize that I haven't told my story, that I have just mentioned bits and pieces...
Anyway, today I got a call from my mother. My father just had a heart attack and is in the hospital. He doesn't seem like he's going to make it. He's 76 years old and already had bypass surgery in the past. My father is one of my sexual abusers, and he was also a violent man. He truly thought that he could get away with abusing use because he truly believed that the end of the world was so close that we were supposed to be in paradise before us becoming adults. Before becoming religious he was an alcoholic. He used to hit my mother but stopped once he converted, and started hitting us all our children. I also know that he sexually abused at least one of my brothers too.
My relationship with my parents has always been conflicted. My mother is undiagnosed something (my best guess is manic depressive). She was also a rageaholic. I grew up in a very violent and loud environment where there was no respect for anyone in the house.
As an adult, of course I was very resentful of them, but for some reason I couldn't hate them. So most of my adulthood has been spent trying to have some kind of relationship where I can see them without hurting them or getting hurt. It has been quite a challenge, but in the last 8 or so years I have been going to the Caribbean where they live to spend a few days with them.
Though I have never mentioned directly to my therapist the abuse I went through growing up, I have mentioned my relationship with my parents and have provided enough information for her to do the math. Something that I did was making a list of things I believe are important to talk to them about before they pass away.
One thing was making sure that they have a will. I mentioned it to them, thinking that it's in their own best interest to have things in order. I also asked them about health care. When I left that year, a few months after I had that talk with them, someone in my family told me that my parents took that as me interested in their estate and fishing for how much I'll get. It was heart breaking, but I pretended I never heard that.
In another year, I sat with them and told them: "Mom, dad, I want you to know that right now I am committed to stay in touch with you and to make sure you are OK. If anything happens you know how to contact me. My house is open for you two. If one goes and the other stays, I am more than happy to have the surviving spouse living with me. I am not of your religion anymore, but I can take you to church with no problem and make sure that you make it to preaching every day. The one thing that I cannot do for any of you is being at a funeral, viewings or memorial services. We are 7 children and the other 6 can very well take care of that part. I am committed to support you before and after one of you pass, but know that you cannot count on me for dealing with funeral arrangements." They agreed. They asked why, and I said that I just don't go to funerals, period.
The truth is that knowing my family, I prefer to mourn and grieve alone on my own. I have a clean conscience that I spent my life when they are alive trying to have the best relationship and being a responsible son. Some of my brothers and sisters are very dysfunctional and as abusive as my parents were/are. Attending a funeral is not going to be a great experience for me. I fail to see how it could be anything but yet another display of loud arguing, disrespect, rage and all the nonsense I grew up with. And of course, I have no desire of forming part of it.
Then there's the religious aspect of it. The religious organization I grew up with was as abusive. In fact, it's considered a cult by many people. And the last thing I want is to have to hear yet another sermon, or going to one of their churches to hear all the spiritually twisted and abusive crap I grew up hearing. I refuse to set foot in one of those places, even if it means not going to my own father's funeral or memorial service. I refuse to see so many faces I know too well that were just too painful for me to look at again.
I walked away from it all for a reason. I make sure I see my parents every year and talk to them frequently just so I can do what I am doing now which is caring for my father as a responsible son, but not exposing myself to the bunch of abusive assholes that some of my siblings are. My family is broken and a death is not going to make anyone any less dysfunctional.
So here I am, sharing about it here, to people I have never seen personally but that I trust care and know how this feels.
I did not experience religious/spiritual abuse as a child, however, I did experience ritual abuse as an adult. I was the victim of a psychopathic maniac that used my spiritual beliefs against me. It tainted everything I loved of that particular religion, which is by no means a typical mainstream religion. I have not been able to practice the richness and beauty of the rituals I once loved because it has now become a reminder of the worst waking nightmare of my life. It is, however, fortunate that I have been able to transform my beliefs into something deeper and more precious to me. While I still miss the beauty of the rituals on occasion, I am more at peace with what I have come to believe since that time. So on that particular note...I can understand the pain it would cause you to have to set foot in a crowd of people that only reminded you of the horrors of your childhood.
HUGS! Thank you for sharing more of your story!
I understand your feelings, too. And I think you have incredible goodness in you to extend yourself as you are, especially to your father.
Hugs,
Shar
You are most definitely a stronger person than me to be willing to do what you have offered to do for your parents. I honestly do not think I could do the same if I were in your shoes. My sexual abuse was not at the hands of either of my parents and I could not imagine being kind in anyway to that abuser.
I wish you luck with this situation Hugs Gracie
He's doing better now. Doesn't seem like he's going anywhere, but it's been a struggle against my siblings trying to suck me into their dysfunctional ways.
Once again, thank you for your kind words of support.
I commend you for setting boundaries and enforcing them. That's an important aspect of healing!
I wanted to give a bit of an alternative perspective. My mother was abusive and neglectful and it wounded me very deeply. I have found journal entries from my childhood stating (in code) that I got away from an incident of sexual abuse from my mother's psychopathic boyfriend and she would come and get me and take me back to him. She was and is mentally ill and made sure that I was available to a psychopath at all times. Ugh.
Anyway... I was affiliated with a religious organization after the abuse ended and it was ingrained me that the the goal of all healing was, "forgiveness and reconciliation." It was expected that I, as a teenager, would be able to see through my own pain to understand "what my mother must have gone through" and forgive her and be reconciled to her. I worked very hard to try to understand her pain (if only she would have tried to understand mine!!) and forgive her and love her. The best I could do was hide my pain from her and interact with her on some minimal level. I felt like I was "making progress" when I stopped feeling anger towards her that was replaced with tolerance.
And then I found my current therapist who is AMAZING. She slowly helped me see that my mother is mentally ill and is not capable of being a friend or mother. Her presence in my life was inhibiting healing and causing me greater pain. My "tolerance" of my mother was not allowing me to grieve my past or set healthy boundaries in my present. I wrote her a letter confronting her about the abuse. She essentially denied it, and I cut off contact. God - it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
But I tell you what - it was one of the most healing decisions I've ever made. My life is so much lighter and brighter without her cloud hanging over me. I had to "get over" my need to take care of her and protect her. I had to leave behind a horrible sense of guilt about "abandoning" my own mother.
I mention this because it's often seen as a "moral right" to "set aside" our pain so we can include past abusers in our lives, especially when it's our family. But I don't think it is. If it feels healthy and good for you to have your parents in your life - more power to you (seriously). But if it doesn't - know you have the right to walk away. You aren't a bad person, a failed child, or a lesser human being for choosing healing and leaving abusers behind. Know it's an option, if you need it.
While it can be good and healing to reconcile with past abusers (especially parents) it is NOT necessary and it doesn't make you a moral failure if you don't choose to live your live without them.
Best of luck to you. :)