Zoloft--Shmoloft

Almost twelve years ago, when I turned 50, I went and had a physical.  I'm one of those guys that doesn't go to the doctor unless I'm damned near too sick to go.  Anyway, I had the full deal, colonoscopy and all.  And I was healthy, even after years of beating up my body with cigarettes and beer.  I figured that after half a century of knocking around in this complicated world, I should probably get my head checked out as well.  You see, I wasn't too thrilled to be an "old man".  So I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to chat about whatever it was that needed chatting about.  Well, I met with him on four successive monthly appointments.  After that time, he diagnosed me as having the disorder we call "Bipolar Depression".  He prescribed "Zoloft" for me, and I have been taking it ever since.  I met with him monthly for all these years, as my employer offerred excellent medical insurance and my co-pay was insignificant.  The Zoloft pretty much was controlling my mood swings and my ups and downs.  There were a few times when I thought I didn't need the stuff, because as a recovering alcoholic and former cigarette smoker, I didn't relish the idea of depending upon ANYTHING.  Each time, I realized that the Zoloft was really helping me deal with life, so I would resume taking it.
When Barbara's illness required my full attention a little over two years ago, my affliction and my life situation were interfering with my ability to work.  I have been a restaurant manager all my life, and believe me, it is a very stressful, unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming occupation.  When folks are hungry, they can be pretty cantankorous and unpleasant.  It's pretty hard to have to be nice to people when they are at their worst and you are dealing with the sort of issues that I was dealing with.  Anyway, my doctor decided to take me off of work on a disability order, so I could try to keep my self together and tend to my cancer stricken wife. 
I received state disability benefits, but my company did not acknowledge the disability as being legitimate, so they only allowed me an unpaid leave as required by the "Family Medical Leave Act".  On December 31, 2009, my company cancelled our health insurance because I was, according to them, no longer active, and the FMLA law allowed them to do so.  Real nice of them after fifteen years of service to them, but that's another story.  My state disability covered our daily expenses like food and utilities, but it was not enough to handle my mortgage, Barbara's medical bills, and all the other expenses in our lives.  I was starting to sink, but I was seeing my psychiatrist and paying for his services without benefit of insurance.  He was very accomodating, and even cut his professional fee in half to help me stay sane.  The Zoloft wasn't cheap without insurance either.
As most of my friends here at DS already know, Barbara died on June 18, 2010.  My disability expired on July 17th, and I was done.  No wife....No income....our house in foreclosure.....everything just done.  About a month ago, my beautiful daughter Jennifer came out to California and pulled me from the hell that I had descended into.  We packed some clothes, my computer, my precious photos & such, a few things that I could not bear to part with and that was it.  I was somewhat of a 'Hoarder" like on the TV show, and there was no way we could go through all of my crap, so I told her to just sell what she could and donate the rest and get me the hell out of there.  I couldn't bear to go through the stuff, so I just stayed in my bedroom and let them have at it.  I thought to myself, "What do those poor people do when they lose all they have in a fire?  Well, they must just suck it up and start over."  Somehow or another, that idea appealed to me.  A new beginning in a new place.  (The classic alcolholic "geographic"?)
So Sparky and I have found ourselves in Arizona for a "new beginning".  Only problem is, I couldn't move my psychiatrist with me, and Zoloft is a prescription drug.  But I can't afford either, anyway, so I figured to really start everything over and go without and see what results I get.  I have been without Zoloft for about a month now and I think that is one of the reasons I am so damned emotional and weird all the time.  If/when SSI approves my disability claim, I will more than likely seek a psychiatrist here in Arizona and get back on the Zoloft.  But I really don't WANT to do either.  So I am going to continue to talk to God and have Him guide me on all of this.  My little girl has my back as far as my basic needs go, and I have my friends here at DS and my dogs for support, so I am going to hang on for the ride, as it were. 
I am coming to the realization that I may need to explore other groups here at DS.  I currently just hang out with the "Widows & Widowers" and occasionally visit the "Bereavement" group, but perhaps it's time to broaden my horizons a bit and see how the other "nuts" like me are dealing with everything.
So the saga that is "Joe in Arizona's" life continues.  But always with a song......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Sxa3DlO1bE&feature=related