Yup..I am still hangin in there...

Have been working, working and working some more. Trying hard to stay ahead of Tom, Dick and Harry, but alas, they have not only caught up with me, they have passed me. I can honestly say I have given it ONE HELL OF A TRY though. I have decided, after many sleepless, stressful nights, or days or sometimes, both, to give in and file for bankruptcy..they should have a spell checker thingy on here for people like me that can't spell with only one eye open! Anyway, most of my debt is the divorce and the lack of representation by my EXPENSIVE FRIKKIN attorney. I am also filing an appeal against decisions made regarding my divorce. The problem I am having with that is the more I look at those stupid papers, all millions of them, from the courts, I keep finding more and more where there was lack of representation. Not to mention partiality shown to my ex by not only my attorney but, it seems, by the courts also. It took MONTHS for me to even get a date to hold ex in contempt, November, and many more months, April, before a ruling was made. Needless to say, I was screwed then. Ex didn't comply from July until April with Judge's orders and it was okay for him to do that.  It took my ex 3 weeks to not only get a date for Motion to Correct Errors but also to get a ruling, AGAIN in his favor. I keep fighting and fighting but am not getting any farther, just more tired. My poor body can't keep up like it used to. The stress is gonna kill me. And I am also filing against my so csalled attorney for not only misrepresentation but LACK THEREOF. My health insurance has been cancelled for months now, Thank You very much ex's best friend/ex's boss. And YOU ARE WELCOME for all of those companies that have their hands in all of your financial books. At least that has kept you busy enough to leave me alone. Insurance Commisioners from 4 states and the BBB can in fact be a hinderance to such a company as yours. You backed me into a corner so I called in reinforcements. Oh Well...On a personal level, I AM EXHAUSTED!!! And afraid. I had met someone on here very special to me. And I ran because I got scared. Now I have met someone else and am running once again.  Just too much going on. I am trying HARD to forgive my ex. I have to forgive myself first and even though I know, I KNOW I have nothing to forgive myself for, I still blame myself for allowing the violence to go on for soooo long. One thing I am getting now, and yes, many people, MANY told me that I was divorced from IT that it was over, at the time, I couldn't for the life of me understand how ANYONE COULD SAY THAT TO ME. IT WAS STILL ALIVE. My heart was still involved. Even after the bastard pretended to shoot himself and throw me into a heart attack. I get it now. It takes time. It took time. Even though when it did what it did over the phone and pretende, how evil a person it was, I still held on in some ways. Even though it had killed itself to me in ways, I still held on. But I get it now. When will I get the forgiveness part though? When will I stop running and give myself a chance? When will I realize that not everyone is alike?