Yup
In my personal profile, too much certainty is a snappier Nag Flag than doubts. When I rely solely on my considerable strength of will, I begin forcing solutions and focusing on what is in my head far more than what is in front of me. My considerable strength of will is more than equal to painting the world as *I* see fit. Not the best possible use of the gift. . .
I'm still not ready to talk to lawyers, but neither am I willing to resume my position in the family dysfunction cycle. I miss my grandkids something fierce, but do not believe our relationship has room for healthy growth within the family dysfunction cycle. I believe my greatest hope of a happy future with them calls for getting off the not-so-merry-go-round. I still want to be a river rat when I grow up. I still believe here in this river confluence region is the prime place to do that. Someday I will take the time to count how many river confluences there are within 50 miles of where I sit. For now. . . Numbers and romance are not the best of bedfellows. At present, the decisive number is that I am still just a tourist, passing through without a viable network.
Hubs and I shared a delightful conversation yesterday morning as I wandered one of the vacant properties an easy walk from the crack house I am currently lodged in. The need to find spots where my dogs can pee would be the number one motivation for my window-peeking hobby. This particular property is pretty high on Persilly's list of favorite spots to pee in this neighborhood. Hubs and I conversated long beyond the fulfillment of her biological imperatives. Our conversation included honest disclosure of my anxiety that the delightful conversation would emerge, distorted and degrading, during his next trigger event. He acknowledged the sequence, but knowing it and being able to do something about it are two different steps. Works in progress. . .
Setting aside that complex weave for now, the simplicity I woke with this morning is that I want to buy a local property instead of signing a lease. I want Hubs to trust me with the process. Yes, Dear, I know you "Value my Opinion," but I want your trust. Let me value YOUR opinion for a change.
Still testing. . . Stepping small and praying big. For now, Persilly needs a spot to pee.
Replies
heeling prayers for all, no exceptions. Persilly could use her dose
Text to Hubs:
"How is your stress level this morning? I want to reveal personal intensity you might not be prepped for."
Response:
"I need about 10 minutes. Okay?"
I heard stress tones when he called and quizzed him persistently before I risked revealing my personal yaddah blahs. On the loving side of my equation, Hubs has a sizeable medical team united in their worry that his stress load is at lethal levels. That medical network has been on the job for long enough to have predicted the three near death experiences of his gall bladder crisis. Gosh. . . How many years ago now? Timeline not important to this ramble. The man continues busying out at levels that. . . Not mine to sort. . . Letting go and letting God.
On the selfish side of the equation, Hubs goes seriously passive-aggressive when he is only telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Go find another bitch to patronize, asshole. This beaten crazy bitch wolf just might go for the jugular on the next round.
Decision:
I am going to pursue my river dreams. I will do whatever it takes, working with what is available. The next step is more stable local lodging.
Discussion:
I think -thinking, not knowing- that it would be better to buy a local property than to sign a lease agreement. Either way, I want full executive power. I hope to value your opinion on any and all decisions. Just hoping. Not willing to wait for your convenience on too much of it. I proposed a dollar figure for the set up budget. I haven't kept score, but my track record for coming in under budget is pretty solid.
He sounded amenable, but I was relieved to the point of gushing when Hubs asked for some time to sit with it while promising not to let it slide to the "Round Tuit." (I'll get around to it) Five months in a busy agenda is not equal to five months in the echo chamber. I still believe hurry is the enemy, ESPECIALLY when moving fast, but procrastination is an enemy of equivalent destruction. Balance in all things.
Processing. . .