You have been here before. Promise.

I don't care who you are. You can feel hurt, whether you are bruised or in anguish. Physically, or mentally, we all feel pain, hurt. Even our leaders, who never seem to lose their cool. they feel it too. every day, there's young folks breaking up, or being lousy to one another, bullying, etc. And that all hurts. It happens every day. So why can they take it, and we cannot? So many of us avoid it at all costs. Maybe we had a streak at some time of not getting hurt, a good period, le's call it, and suddenly we feel pain and for some reason it hurts more, it destroys our good tiime as well. and we look for an excuse, revenge, justice from it. We act out. We act in. We all react somehow. I don't really know what happened. I used to be proud of the ability to withstand anything people would launch at me. I was small but tough enough. Yeah, sometimes it hurt, but the next day was always a new day. And it was always the best day so far, since I just got out of bed and noboday has hurt me yet. Easy peasy. I feel that I cannot take the pain anymore. have I run out of poker chips, or reached some threshold? Just lately, it seems once again I have reached my limit. This is what I get for that...- shame. Shame for not being man enough to cowboy up (which, I have learned is bad for me anyway)- Withdrawal. Hiding because I am in an inexplicable mood and trying to describe it is more frustrating than just leaving it alone. - Denial of these feelings and trying to cope anyway. I have no ability to let go of ANYTHING, it seems. And once you realize and recognize what's happening, you start the toilet flush of thinking. trying to fix. Looking for the source and beating the life out of it (If you are mad enough, else you leave it alone). It envelops, consumes, and just plain makes things worse. You spin your wheels. I know, how many times do I have to hear "Stairway To Heaven" onm the radio before I know it so well I can play it in my head and I just get sick of hearing it? Well, this goes for the many times I have fallen into the pit o' despair.So what? So I'll tell ya. What am I gonna do about it? Before you laugh yourself into hysterix and possibly break something, I'll tell you something. It's that Christmas season. To be jolly. Yeah, I don't think that would be funny either. Ho. But really, I have put myself under extreme pressure to perform this year. But work has been hectic, as well as other obligations, and tangled with the anxiety you get from mental debris, which is basically the result of putting too many things on the back burner and running out of back burners (confess, you do it.), My mind is mush. Can't sleep well enough, cannot think of what my lovely but celibate wife would like as a gift. It's too much. I can't focus. I am getting to it. I promise. I know I am wordy. But what happens is that because of my inability to love like love is supposed to work, I go through the motions of Christmas. It's basically that. I don't feel the joy of giving. I can't. Never have, which makes it harder to turn that around. Sad to say. What's different about this year is that my wife has discovered this dark secret. One of many. I cannot bear to sheare my thoughts with her, as I cannot accept the consequences if she decides to buy into them, and I have seen instances. I can't afford to have her light go out. I need that. And there's my love. The Light. And I don't have it. So I persue it and keep her close. Well, she is really good looking too. But she contains a light I do not recognize in myself. Perhaps I have it, maybe I don't. Aaaaanyway seh tells me that she feels I give out of obligation and not out of love. I wish she never went there. Now it's like I am naked in the storm, and already too weak from everything else, now I have to put in the extra effort to pretend I am happy or well-adjusted, or loving or whateverthehell it is. So that's my pain. it's too much. I keep trying to recover, and the secret that I keep from myself (because my brain lies to me) is that I do recover. I cannot let go totally though. OMG, that enough already. I try to process and I'm still purging. For Christmas sake, enough. It's like the endless pee when the Local Forecast is on the Weather Channel, you know it's gonna pass before you do. Egad.