**** you, depression

I hate depression. I hate depression with every fiber of my being. I have been battling a clinical depression for nearly 4 years. I seem to get a little better and able to function, but I always fall right back down, no matter how great I think things are going. I sincerely think it's time to get with my doctor and see how much he supposed bipolar disorder may be present. I have been doing okay. Mediocre. Getting by. Interested in my art and calligraphy. But I have felt this coming on for a few weeks. And today it's finally hit. I got up for work in a gloomy mood. I was thinking that I would probably feel better once I got to work and got my day started. And I didn't. I took my Ritalin which usually always helps to at least temporarily increase my mood. And it didn't I was glum and unhappy all day, faking smiles with my patients, just trying to get through. I want to believe it was just an off day. But in my gut, I feel like I'm going back to that dark place where no one can understand what I'm facing or going through, how hard it is to "just get up and go to work because that's what grown ups do." How hard it is to interact without being awkward and hiding that desperate pain in your eyes. How hard it is to try to be interested in what my excited husband has gotten into and then hurting him when he sees through my front. I am terrified of that place. And I think I am stepping through the door. I have no particular reason to be sad. I feel that I've made peace with my life and where it is., accepted the losses of my loved ones., understand that holidays are never truly the same once you become a nurse. I don't want this. I don't know how to stop it. It's always the same. Go back to the doc. Adjust meds. Do well for a month or two, maybe. Back down. Know I'm going to be stronger this go round so ignore the warning signs. Then boom. Here I am.