You are beautiful beyond your comprehension!

          I'm at my friend's parents' house for the week house and pet sitting for them. It's almost 5am and I haven't gone to bed yet. I know I should, but I don't want to. I usually don't like going to sleep even though when I finally do I ask myself, "Why didn't I just do this in the first place?" I guess it's a combination of being stubborn and also wanting to stay awake to enjoy life. But, honestly I think this whole staying up late and barely getting enough sleep has been effecting me negatively. I ended up calling out of work about a week ago because I hadn't gone to bed in two days. Luckily they were very understanding. Maura (my job coach) came to check up on me at work a few days ago, and she found out from my manager that I hadn't been sleeping or sleeping well lately and we discussed it a bit during her visit. I think it might be the main reason why I feel so "high" during the day like I smoked some pot or something. I've gone to work without any sleep at all at least 2 or 3 times this month. Other times I've gotten maybe 2 to 4 hours of sleep. My mind just keeps going in all different directions especially at night which could be another contributor to this unbalanced sleep issue I'm having, not to mention the coffee I drink in the late afternoons. I need to start exercising some self discipline and also start taking care of myself and my body. But, before I do I have some things I want to blog about.... Hmmm. Now I'm drawing a blank. This happens a lot when it comes to me having a chance to express my thoughts or feelings. I usually get stunned and don't know where to begin because there's so much that I think about and want to say. Whenever someone asks me how I'm doing, even when close friends who are asking because they really genuinely care about how I'm doing, I usually keep it short and sweet/simple for some reason. It's weird. I'd much rather hear how they're doing, or have them talk about their day and how they've been feeling as opposed to sharing my own experiences. I don't know what it is that makes me not want to talk about myself. Even one of my old roommates said that to me when he and I were having an in depth conversation, he said that I don't talk about myself much. He said other things that really stuck with me. I can't remember off hand at the moment exactly what he said, but I do have it written down in my written journal though. I'll dig that up at some point later today. I know that I care about other people. A lot. Even my mom said that I care about my friends too much. I think what she means is that I put other people first before myself. I need to stop doing that. It's definitely an easy way to get taken advantage of. I've had that happen countless times. But, yeah. I was just thinking the question, "Why don't I care about myself?" That question in itself is like an epiphany for me. I don't think I care about myself as much as I care about everyone else. I put everyone else's needs and sometimes even their wants, before mine. Now, the question, "Do I love myself?" comes into the equation. I can easily say yes of course I love myself. But, do I really know what that means. What does loving yourself mean... Do I love myself enough to take care of myself, including my mind, body, and spirit? If you ask me that now I can honestly say by the looks at how I treat myself, I don't think I do. I should love myself is the next thought that comes in mind now. But, how? Maybe if I saw myself the way other people say they see me I could learn to love myself. But, even then when people tell me how nice, sweet, caring, selfless, generous, loving and affectionate I am, it's hard for me to accept it. It's hard for me to believe it. I know that I'm a good person, but at the same time I have so much self-hatred in my mind. I think a lot of people have this same issue. It's like a global illness of the mind how we as human beings tend to have a self loathing of ourselves. I wonder where the root of all of that comes from. Like the thoughts of not being good enough, the self doubt, the second guessing, the comparing of self to other people, the desires to be everything but who and what we are. It's like our minds are never satisfied. Are we like a virus, with an insatiable appetite to multiply and destroy while at the same time hating ourselves while doing it? I don't think everyone is like that though. I've been reading a bunch of books lately on and off, like the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle' and Belonging Here by Judith Blackstone, and another book called Indigo Adults and yet another book entitled Emotional clearing. A lot of what I noticed between all of those books is that there is a consensus of the idea that the human race as a species is mentally and emotionally sick in a way like I was describing earlier with the self hatred. It's really interesting and I'm going to continue reading more about it. Man... now I'm more awake. I think I've hit my second wind and the sun is starting to come up. I can even hear the birds chirping outside as I'm typing this. Ugh.. Lately, seeing the sun rise and hearing the birds chirping in the morning has been my sign or signal that, "Hey, it's time to get your ass in bed!!" I'm gonna go to bed soon. But, to whomever is reading this, I want to say you are beautiful beyond your comprehension just by being you!  Thanks for reading!  I'll post some more stuff soon :)