Yoda-Mae and Me

My Baby Girl, Yoda Mae has been my faithful best friend, confident, companion, for 16 years.  I adopted this little girl, who is half terrier/chahuahua from the pound.    She would sit on my lap and melt her body into mine.  I cried in the dark with her melted on my body, we sat shiva and mourned too many deaths her and I together and alone with each other. Now, my truest friend and confident is in great pain.  She looks at me, with sparkling blind eyes.  She is 95% deaf.  She walks very slowly and sometimes collapses.  She is acting oddly too.  She just freezes for a few moments.  She has periods when she won't eat for drink for a few days and then she will just drink water, to stay alive for me.  She won't leave me.  She knows I love and need her.  She is the only one who knows all my secrets and would never give me up. I have to make a decision and I keep changing my mind.  I am a logical woman, I do not believe in suffering.  I just lost my Mother in March.  Yoda-Mae, Mommies Baby Girl.  She is all I have in this house.  I can't lose her too.  Not her, she is an innocent.  Kathy said she would take her to be euthenized with me.  I keep changing my mind.  Please Help!  I am selfish.  I take her out to visit Kiwi and Carmella, Carmella now takes Kiwi in cause she is afraid to do what has to be done herself.  She stays away from us.  I told her about what my plans were.  She is a pro life person to the nemth degree.  She thinks I should put my Baby on chemo, look what that did to my Daddy, chemo and radiation killed him.  It killed my best friend Linda too.  Only Mama went in her sleep.  I hate cancer.  I mean hate it.  It take everyone I love. I don't know what to do right now.  I am not taking her yet.  She ate a little chicken and rice last night.  And there is no throw up anywhere.   I am taking it a day at a time.  I need help.  Kathy is in Vermont and will be home on Monday.  I need her too. Ok, I am going to stop crying and clean this dirty house now.  Looks like the Days of Ice Cream and Roses here. ONE DAY AT A TIME SWEET JESUS IS ALL I CAN DO.  PRAY FOR MY YODA-MAE THAT GOD WOULD TAKE HER TO MARIAN, LARS AND LINDA AND DENNIS IN HER SLEEP.