Yo Yo
Well it certainly does not stay in one place, those thoughts and feelings of mine. I wish there was some way to just ride it out and stay centered.
But my brain seems to have this silly way of finding things to dwell on. The latest has been that the mutual friends of my friend who I "broke up with" (I am calling it that because I don't know what else to call it) and mine...are now all suddenly gone.
There is one particular friend who happened to ignite the situation by virtue of a phone call, and she without intention got in the cross fire, well maybe not that dramatic but more of the "Oh wow....didn't realize" sort of moment and then I was candid about my feelings, so she got her feelings hurt....anyway I digress.
Well since this all went down with the friendship breakup, this mutual friend gave me a general text checking in. Then it had been me reaching out otherwise because I had some weird dreams about her and I so I text her about it. Well she has been apparently in constant contact with "the enemy" while basically dropping me....funny how that works. I am sure the "enemy" (I say that but don't really mean it, just trying to list characters) is giving her a list of her grievances towards me....fine. But the crux of the situation the enemy wasn't even willing to listen to....so she is probably spinning some weird tale of what she perceives to be the issue, rather than dealing with the reality of my feelings and her part in it all. So I feel the mutual friend may be basing her judgements on incorrect information, or at least one side of the story....and we all know how that goes.
There has been a huge part of me that wants to control it all and I have been crawling out of my skin with her perception of me now......but at the same time trying to decide if I really care or is this just more of an issue that I want everyone to "like me". I am realizing it may be more the latter and this mutual friend isn't who I would call a close friend who i want to hang out with all the time and confide my deepest secrets, it was more that we all hung out in the same circle and didn't want any enemies.
While I am trying to sort it out, it certainly has put a damper one what was a short lived surge of happiness and hope I was feeling. One part of me says "Just reach out and take a temperature", the other says "Who gives a flying fuck".......
I think I am going to do nothing about it, feel the feelings, and really take this as an opportunity to re-assess my friendships overall......I mean for all intents and purposes most of the friendships I have built have a huge co-dependency layer on them....so might be good for me to learn detachment....
See working out in a journal entry....that is feeling good. Now onto my 2nd cup of tea......and on with my day.
For today I will try to accept my unresolved conflict, anyone that may decide to become involved and create judgement against me because of it, and elect to know that I am OK despite all of it. I will send nothing but love to those I feel are against me, and give love to myself for being human and going thru the painful process of letting go of friendships.......And so it is.
But my brain seems to have this silly way of finding things to dwell on. The latest has been that the mutual friends of my friend who I "broke up with" (I am calling it that because I don't know what else to call it) and mine...are now all suddenly gone.
There is one particular friend who happened to ignite the situation by virtue of a phone call, and she without intention got in the cross fire, well maybe not that dramatic but more of the "Oh wow....didn't realize" sort of moment and then I was candid about my feelings, so she got her feelings hurt....anyway I digress.
Well since this all went down with the friendship breakup, this mutual friend gave me a general text checking in. Then it had been me reaching out otherwise because I had some weird dreams about her and I so I text her about it. Well she has been apparently in constant contact with "the enemy" while basically dropping me....funny how that works. I am sure the "enemy" (I say that but don't really mean it, just trying to list characters) is giving her a list of her grievances towards me....fine. But the crux of the situation the enemy wasn't even willing to listen to....so she is probably spinning some weird tale of what she perceives to be the issue, rather than dealing with the reality of my feelings and her part in it all. So I feel the mutual friend may be basing her judgements on incorrect information, or at least one side of the story....and we all know how that goes.
There has been a huge part of me that wants to control it all and I have been crawling out of my skin with her perception of me now......but at the same time trying to decide if I really care or is this just more of an issue that I want everyone to "like me". I am realizing it may be more the latter and this mutual friend isn't who I would call a close friend who i want to hang out with all the time and confide my deepest secrets, it was more that we all hung out in the same circle and didn't want any enemies.
While I am trying to sort it out, it certainly has put a damper one what was a short lived surge of happiness and hope I was feeling. One part of me says "Just reach out and take a temperature", the other says "Who gives a flying fuck".......
I think I am going to do nothing about it, feel the feelings, and really take this as an opportunity to re-assess my friendships overall......I mean for all intents and purposes most of the friendships I have built have a huge co-dependency layer on them....so might be good for me to learn detachment....
See working out in a journal entry....that is feeling good. Now onto my 2nd cup of tea......and on with my day.
For today I will try to accept my unresolved conflict, anyone that may decide to become involved and create judgement against me because of it, and elect to know that I am OK despite all of it. I will send nothing but love to those I feel are against me, and give love to myself for being human and going thru the painful process of letting go of friendships.......And so it is.
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