Yo, team

Hello, team, I just wanted to introduce myself.I am 45 and dysthymia has left a bootprint on my face. Double Depression about four years ago, and the Man put me on about a bunch of meds for ADD and depression and none of it really helped. but that's a guess that it didn't help. I slept through a lot of it. I own a blog that I have kept for three years. It's a nasty monster that is so big a can barely keep track of it. It is a private blog on moodgarden.org and you'll have to join to see it. Sorry. I can't go public. I just can't.See, my wife has been totally unaccepting of my diagnosis. She saw me at my worst and she would just keep telling me to simply pull up my bootstraps and cheer up. So she doesn't get it. I can't expect her to, so I don't. I cannot rely on her for support. She is mentally tough as nails and I admire her strength. So while I work I am seeking online support through websites and stuff. I have also read books where my wife would roll her eyes with a what-diagnosis-have-you-made-for-yourself-now look. Well, that's what it is. My Pdoc Dx'ed me with dysthymia during a marriage counseling tour. Wife thinks I should be able to power out of that. Well, I can't. It's been decades already. and I am like a teenager in my mind. Oh, and by the way, my wife really feels that going online for emotional support is emotional adultery. I understand where she is coming from...how many marriages end because of some online nonsense? So if I am going to be adulterous, I will do it right... I love you! Yow! But this journal is NOT about my relationship with my wife. I shall conquer this nasty dragon without her. I will talk about healing. some days I will talk about some of my "symptoms", and some solutions, and what I call best of all, the things that have held me back from healing. I bet there are a lot of you who have read all the self-help books. So where is the fool-proof answer? Ha. Gotcha. I have read the books too. But I am not defeated. For the moment I am drug-free. Really? Yeah. Doesn't mean I am happy. I choose the more comfortable misery over the side effects of the drugs is all. I do suggest the use of fish oil, though. I think it works. My only problem is that I have to hide it in order to avoid the rash of comments from my wife, and just remembering to take it is hard enough until I get a routine set. I also have taken St. John's wort. I am not totally sure it worked for me. I took it for two months. My wife caught me with it. She thought I was catching a buzz from it. Now you know what I am dealing with. But there is that element of lack of trust from her, which stems from an attempt at shame management from me. Do you see it? I hide somethign stupid to avoid feling shame, and I get it twice as bad. I will talk about shame management soon enough. It has made me what I am today, basically.  Crap, I talk too much. So I hope I get a good reader base that will participate. I need your feedback. I simply refuse to live my life like this anymore. I got sick and tired of it years ago. Now my footing is good and I am going to give it a go.