Yet another journal entry...
I've found myself posting a lot recently; I think it's because I have no one to talk to especially about the dark thoughts I have and it has to be expressed somehow. I've refrained from discussing with my Therapist; she'll jump the gun and send me straight to the hospital which was like 'time-out' to "protect" me from myself; I felt no better upon release than when I initially went in...I just faked being better so I could leave - I hated being there!
I don't know if this is a crescendo leading up to 'my end';
Is it just my method of releasing the darkness within?
Like sweating out a cold thru the pores of your skin...
I don't know if this is a crescendo leading up to 'my end';
Is it just my method of releasing the darkness within?
Like sweating out a cold thru the pores of your skin...
Replies
I like the analogy - sweating it out, that is so true... I\'m the same way with my therapist, she is always asking if I need to go to the hospital to be \"safe\". I fake being ok too. I\'m glad you keep posting, it\'s good to vent and selfishly I like to see you\'re still around. I\'m sorry things suck so bad. I really really wish I could make things ok, just know you aren\'t alone. Big (((Hugs)))
I understand what you say about your therapist. I\'m fortunate, my therapist tells me that if I were to choose suicide she would consider it a matter between me and God. You should be able to be absolutely honest with your therapist without fear of reprisal. Otherwise, what\'s the point of therapy?
Talking or journaling is a good healthy way to give expression to our demons. If you can\'t trust this therapist, perhaps you need to find another. Hospitals are loath to confine people to psychiatric wards unless there is overt action or imminent threat of harm to self or others. Having suicidal thoughts doesn\'t qualify, I doubt you\'d be confined, I don\'t think it\'s legal. Maybe you should try to explain to this therapist that you have \"dark thoughts\" and fear retribution so are unable to discuss them. Some understanding needs to be gained here between you or you\'re just wasting time with this person. I have two therapists (will not be able to see one any longer because of insurance change) and one of them has ASKED me if I \"want to go to the hospital\", he\'s never picked up the phone and called the crisis team. I\'d never return if he were to do that. Here you are safe and free to speak your mind and you know there are people who will be there to support and encourage you.
The more of my life I pour out into my journal the less of \'me\' I have to carry around inside and the better I live.
Keep sharing for it is GREAT THERAPY.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I agree with Ellzeena - You need to build trust with your therapist and you are losing a great part of the therapeutic process by remaining masked with her.
When you do write, you write very well.
How wonderful it would be if you could heal enough to be more outside of yourself. Your present identity is true but I know that isn\'t all of you - I sense a tender and caring Mal buried under the weight of struggle.