Yesterday was bad. Today is okay.

I hope nobody is worried about me after my last journal. I am okay. Sorry for the long time between jounals, especially such an emotional one at that. Yesterday I met my new therapist and I like her. Everyone in the office is so nice! It was hard, since I had to go through all my past, with the abuse, rape, and my dad's suicide, and the present- breaking up with Geo and my mom. When I was in the office doing my intake my phone rang twice in a row. I just ignored it, since I wanted to show my doctor respect and didn't want to answer the phone. I get home to find Tracy (my mom's husband) was the one who called me. My mom has been very weak lately, too weak to use her walker so he has to carry her everywhere. I thought he was taking her to the hospital, only to find that she is going into hospice care. For those of you who don't know, hospice workers are not going to cure her, just make her more comfortable. This also means she has less than 6 months to live. It was very hard information to find out. Tracy only called me, not my brother or sister. The reason is that they are going to visit her for 3 days (big whoop.... they fly all the way from Los Angeles to Jacksonville (the one in FL) and don't even book enough time to really spend some time to spend with their mother) so it's the last time they are going to see her. Tracy wants to wait until they get here to tell them all the stuff about Mom. When the 3 of us are there Tracy is going to take a vacation from taking care of my mom so we fully understand how bad she is doing. I am the only one of us that knows since I am the only one who really cares. I go see my mom as often as I can afford.... like 3-5 times a year, I call her every day, and talk to Tracy when she is too weak to talk. For the most part, my mom's family doesn't know how to be a family. Her brothers and sister don't call her, just one of her cousins. My brother and sister don't call her. My dad's sister talks to her more than her family, and my mom and dad divorced in the mid-80's. I am having trouble getting my mind around this, and I need to take some time (if I can, tomorrow) to write out what I want to say to my mom, since it's probably the last time I get to see her. Even though I visit her often, I saw her on Christmas and now a month later, so I don't have enough money to go there again in the next couple of months. I also have to save for my move later on this year and it's $100 to see her plus gas and food. I know that doesn't sound like a lot to most people, but that's half of my money (after bills) per month. Geo and I don't make much on Disability. When I was at my therapist's office I got homework- I have to start doing something I used to love to do again. I am writing journals and reading. I will start doing DBT (dialectial behavorial therapy, for Borderline Personality disorder) in late February with her. I want to get myself stable. I tried making cookies today and Geo got pissed. He wanted me to add baking coco to the chocolate chip cookies I was making and I couldn't find a good recipe to work with. He was yelling and yelling at me, and I fought with him for a bit, and then just went to make the cookies on my own. I figured out on my own how to make them and they came out yummy. He apologized, but I was mad that he didn't trust me. I'm sorry that I'm jumping from topic to topic.... I'm trying to think of everything to say. I don't have much more to say.. I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and last night didn't fall asleep until 3 am when I took my sleeping pills and was ready for bed at 11:30 pm. I just tossed and turned with an upset stomach. I took some Alka-seltzer but it still took me a little bit to fall asleep. One night I took my meds at 11 pm and didn't fall asleep until 5 am. It's just been hard for me. Today I spent trying to get rid of a migrane and deal with my issues. It wasn't too bad- besides the arugment with Geo. Thanks for all who commented on my last journal and AtPeaceMary for messaging me to make sure I was okay. I am hanging in there. If I tuly thought I was about to commit suicide, I would call the hospital and have them take me. I am not scared to ask for help. So don't worry about me, I will be okay. I have been through a lot of hell in my life and so I will take all this in stride.