yesterday sucked
I've been going steadily downhill for atleast a week. I e-mailed my therapist Sat. to see if she was seeing people this weekend (she does sometimes) but she wasn't. Then I asked if sh
Yesterday I got out of bed around 1PM as usual, maybe it was 2PM - ate, hung out for a bit, then around 3 decided to try drinking in the afternoon instead of night.
Data - at night I sleep for 3 hours and then am wide awake til morning if I drink.
Hypothesis - I can drink and get a solid nap in and then be wide awake and clear headed all evening?
Conclusion - I wake up groggy, moody, depressed and suicidal.
Fortunately, the one guy I wanted to leave a 'good-bye' note too happened to be on-line so he responded to my IM. He figured out my mood, asked if I were suicidal, then asked if he could call one of my friends (he doesn't live near here right now) - so I gave him one of my roommates phone numbers.
She had just gone to a sunday night worship thing 5 minutes away - before she left she had even asked if I was okay alone, I guess I was looking moody - and I said yes cuz I didn't want to stop her from going.
Anyway, she got back, we hugged & talked. Then the other housemates got back. I watched "You Can't Take it with you" with Jimmy stewart for the first time (it's on youtube if you're interested - good light hearted movie.)
Today I am determined to start moving in the right direction again. I'm going to pick up yoga - my muscle strength is getting better I can do some light stuff - and I have a Christian version of DDR for the computer that I'm going to use for exercise.
My seedlings need transplanting, I bought new art supplies a week ago I haven't opened, and my room is half-picked up. I'll finish picking up my room, play with my plants, and maybe get out the art stuff.
I sleep 12-15 hours a day adn am exhausted when I am awake, but I'm going to do what I can when I have energy. I'm starting the day of with exercise. I'm keeping my room picked up. I"m listening to praise and worship music, and I'm reading Scripture and looking for a good bible study/worship service to attend regularly.
It's like New Year's resolution time, lol. I know that's a lot, but I have to 'try'. I'm always trying, always struggling. Every failure, I look for a new solution, new plan, to pick me back up again. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Oh, on another note - the serenity prayer. I need to change the things I can, accept the things I can't change, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference. I need to accept my current health condition. I need to accept my panic attacks. I need to accept the hell I'm going through. But I need to take the baby steps to move forward.
Oh, and eating healthy - I'll work on that next month. :p can't fix it all today.
Yesterday I got out of bed around 1PM as usual, maybe it was 2PM - ate, hung out for a bit, then around 3 decided to try drinking in the afternoon instead of night.
Data - at night I sleep for 3 hours and then am wide awake til morning if I drink.
Hypothesis - I can drink and get a solid nap in and then be wide awake and clear headed all evening?
Conclusion - I wake up groggy, moody, depressed and suicidal.
Fortunately, the one guy I wanted to leave a 'good-bye' note too happened to be on-line so he responded to my IM. He figured out my mood, asked if I were suicidal, then asked if he could call one of my friends (he doesn't live near here right now) - so I gave him one of my roommates phone numbers.
She had just gone to a sunday night worship thing 5 minutes away - before she left she had even asked if I was okay alone, I guess I was looking moody - and I said yes cuz I didn't want to stop her from going.
Anyway, she got back, we hugged & talked. Then the other housemates got back. I watched "You Can't Take it with you" with Jimmy stewart for the first time (it's on youtube if you're interested - good light hearted movie.)
Today I am determined to start moving in the right direction again. I'm going to pick up yoga - my muscle strength is getting better I can do some light stuff - and I have a Christian version of DDR for the computer that I'm going to use for exercise.
My seedlings need transplanting, I bought new art supplies a week ago I haven't opened, and my room is half-picked up. I'll finish picking up my room, play with my plants, and maybe get out the art stuff.
I sleep 12-15 hours a day adn am exhausted when I am awake, but I'm going to do what I can when I have energy. I'm starting the day of with exercise. I'm keeping my room picked up. I"m listening to praise and worship music, and I'm reading Scripture and looking for a good bible study/worship service to attend regularly.
It's like New Year's resolution time, lol. I know that's a lot, but I have to 'try'. I'm always trying, always struggling. Every failure, I look for a new solution, new plan, to pick me back up again. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Oh, on another note - the serenity prayer. I need to change the things I can, accept the things I can't change, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference. I need to accept my current health condition. I need to accept my panic attacks. I need to accept the hell I'm going through. But I need to take the baby steps to move forward.
Oh, and eating healthy - I'll work on that next month. :p can't fix it all today.
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