Yesterday Every Possible Chance He could... He took it !!!!

Yesterday it felt like EVERY POSSIBLE CHANCE He could, He took it !... to get ANGRY, and fly into One of His RAGING FITS, that is ! I was HOPING for a " Good Day ", as I always do, but it seems that it just wasn't meant to be Yesterday.Almost right after I woke up Yesterday, there was " Something " that He was ENRAGED about. The Funny Thing is that I must have BLOCKED IT OUT, because now that I'm trying to write about it I can't remember what it was about ! The Key Part of it that I remember was that His RAGE scared Me a LOT, as it usually does, and I wondering to Myself during it IF He was going to carry through with One of His Threats to Hurt Me, or not ?! YES... I'm ashamed to admit... He's been using EVERY Arguement lately as an EXCUSE to Threaten to HURT ME ! Then ON TOP OF THAT... IF I DARE to get Upset because of His YELLING, and His THREATS, during the Arguement, then He'll THREATEN ME some MORE by saying something like.... " IF YOU DON'T STOP CRYING THEN I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO REALLY CRY ABOUT ! "Much Later on during the Evening Hours Yesterday, when He was in a " Calm Mood ", I took advantage of that Time. I told Him how MUCH I'm really sick, and tired, of His constant Threats every chance He gets ! Plus, I added.... " Thank GOD that You HAVEN'T been carrying through with ALL of Your Threats, because IF that was so then I'd be either Very Hurt, and in the Hospital now, OR maybe even DEAD ! " You would think that telling Him all of that would get some sort of immediate response, but nope ! All He did was sit in His Chair - listening to Me, and He stayed Silent for a long while.. it seemed... before He FINALLY said something.When He did speak up it WASN'T what I was hoping for, or expecting to hear from Him.Instead what He did was basically give Me MORE EXCUSES for His Behaviour as He's done in the Past. He's become a virtual Expert at coming up with  EXCUSES ! This Time - especially to My Comment about being TIRED of being called such HURTFUL NAMES so OFTEN lately - He started explaining to Me that when He was a Young Boy, and being moved from One Foster Home to another for awhile - ( before finally getting adopted ), He was called Hurtful Names a LOT ! He said He'd be constantly called , " STUPID, IDIOT, MORON, LAZY ! ", and so on ! A LOT of the Name calling would come from His " Real / or Biological Dad ", whenever He saw Him.He told Me that NOTHING He EVER DID was EVER GOOD ENOUGH in His Dad's Eyes !My BF explained further that He finally at one point had a family member tell Him that They could see that His Dad was simply " JEALOUS " of everything His Son had accomplished... i.e., Wrestling Awards, Chorus, and Other Athletic Awards, because His Dad could NEVER participate in Extra Curricular Activites since He had to get HOME to His Family's Farm Every Day RIGHT AFTER school let out. He was NEVER allowed to join in ANYTHING after School Hours. Okay... Granted... ALL of this is a " Sad Tale ", and I feel sorry for My BF, and what He went through as a Kid. BUT.... since He KNOWS how Much those " NAMES " hurt HIM, then HE SHOULD REMEMBER THAT, and NOT DO IT TO SOMEONE HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES VERY MUCH !Just because YOU went through Something Terrible Early in Life, that DOES NOT give You the EXCUSE to do the SAME THING to Someone Else as an ADULT ! RIGHT ????!!!!IF that was True, then This World would be EVEN MORE messed up than it already is ! Besides the " Incident " during the First Part of Yesterday - ( the " Incident " that I can't remember ), later on during the Afternoon as I was trying Re-Install one of Our PC Games back onto the Computer I found out during the Process that ONE of the DISCS I needed to do it was MISSING !I mentioned this to My BF, and He flew into a HUGE RAGING FIT about it !!!!!! It was Very Scary ! He was YELLING... THROWING THINGS AROUND... AND CALLING ME JUST ABOUT ANY HURTFUL NAME HE COULD COME UP WITH !!!! Part of what He had thrown around was a Laundry Basket FULL of VHS Tapes ! They were scattered ALL OVER the Living Room Floor ! He YELLED at ME to pick ALL of that Up ! I did so.. since I didn't want to even think about what He may have done to Me if I hadn't ! During  ALL of this, I feel He came VERY Close to Hitting Me.... I could see it in His Eyes, and I'm sure that He could see the FEAR I was feeling in Mine. He threatened to Hurt Me several times during all of His YELLING ! The Only Thing - THANKFULLY - that Hurt Me at all was when He had thrown that Laundry Basket full of VHS tapes, He had thrown it in My Direction ! The Basket Hit My Arm slightly. I was thankful He didn't actually hit Me with the FULL BASKET instead ! Since I couldn't install the Game I had started on installing... Instead He grabbed a Different PC Game we had, so I could Install that One INSTEAD ! As I was starting to Install that Other Game, I FOUND THE 2ND DISC THAT I NEEDED FOR THAT FIRST PC GAME ! It turned out HE HAD PUT IT IN THIS OTHER GAME FOLDER / CONTAINER BECAUSE it wouldn't fit into it's ORIGINAL CONTAINER anymore since He had BROKEN THAT during a FIT He had in the Past ! SO HE WAS THE REASON THE DISC WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE ! DID HE APOLOGY FOR ACTING THE WAY HE DID OVER A STUPID GAME ?????.... ESPECIALLY SINCE THE DISC BEING IN THE WRONG PLACE WAS HIS FAULT, AND NOT MINE... ???? NOPE ! Of course NOT ! .... It's RARE that He'll apologize when it's discovered that He's WRONG about Something. BUT I'm expected to APOLOGIZE for EVERYTHING... REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT WAS SOMETHING I DID, OR NOT ! He ended up going for a " WALK " for awhile to cool down, after this " Incident ". I was GLAD to see Him go ! I didn't even really want to look at Him after how much He'd threatened Me, and ALL of the NAMES He had called Me ! When He came back from his Walk I THOUGHT that the REST of the Day SHOULD be OKAY. I was WRONG... it turned out ! During the Evening Hours Yesterday as I was RE-Filling My Prescription Weekly Container, I made the MISTAKE of mentioning that I had filled in Part of it WRONG ! This AUTOMATICALLY made HIM THINK that I was asking Him for HIS OPINION on HOW to do it ! I WASN'T ! I already knew how I wanted it filled, and I hadn't asked for His Help with it anyway.So when He tried to tell Me " HIS WAY " of doing it, and I told Him that I'd RATHER do it MY WAY ! HE COMPLETELY BLEW UP IN MY FACE !!!!!!HE SUDDENLY SCREAMED AT ME TO... " SHUT UP YOU FU*KING STUPID BIT*H !!!! ... after I TRIED to explain Why I wanted to do it MY WAY !, and I had even TRIED to Thank Him for trying to Help !As furiously as He suddenly SCREAMED AT ME, I was terrified that He was going to HIT ME right then ! I FROZE in My Seat, and I know I must have been shaking ! After some more YELLING, AND RAVING, He YELLED AT ME to get " OFF MY LAZY AS*, AND DO THE DISHES ! ".As I was over at the Kitchen Sink - sitting on the Chair I use to do anything in the Kitchen, since I can't stand for Long at all due to My Bad Knees - He took My Weekly Prescription Pill Container, and shook it out on the Dinning Room Table !... saying.. " HERE ! NOW You HAVE TO REDO IT ! "ALSO... while My BACK WAS TURNED to Him... while I was still sitting by the Kitchen Sink... He took the BackPack that has ALL of My Medical Things, Meds, Paperwork, Inhalers, etc.. etc.. , In it and He THREW THE BACKPACK AT MY BACK !!!!! It Hit the Middle of My Back - ( which was already hurting anyways, since I get back aches often ), and it landed on the Kitchen Floor, thankfully the contents of it didn't spill out too much ! I stayed at the Kitchen sink a LONG Time because I was AFRAID that if I turned around and even glanced at Him, that I would start Crying ! I was afraid that IF I started Crying at that Point that He would get even ANGRIER ! He eventually calmed down after a while, and even sat at the Dinning Room table helping Me go through the Contents of the BackPack, and get everything RE-straightened out in it ! As much as He had calmed down, You would have NEVER guessed that JUST maybe 10 Minutes Earlier He was in a RAGE bad enough to Hurt someone Very Much ! This is what I Live with ! This is what I deal with EVERY DAY ! The Unpredictable Nature of His Moods... of His RAGE... is so tiring, and SO SCARY sometimes, that I just THANK GOD that so far I haven't had to go to the Hospital because of Him ! I know Some Women aren't that Lucky - IF You can call it Luck ! I have been HURT by His Hands before, though.... MORE than Once... More Times than I can even Count... I'm ashamed to say.All of this is why I looked for a Site Online to turn to for some Emotional Support at least, AND possibly to eventually help Me gather up the Inner Strength to do Something to Change My Life for the Better ! I know I need to do SOMETHING ! How can ANYONE live like this Indefinitely ? I don't know how. I wish I didn't Love Him anymore.... then things would be so much simpler, I think.I wonder sometimes HOW I can still say I Love Him, after EVERYTHING HE'S PUT ME THROUGH ! I don't understand it. I don't know How I can say it. It makes Me wonder sometimes if I've lost My Mind, because HOW can a SANE Person put up with ALL of this ? I'm just HOPING, and PRAYING, that TODAY will be a MUCH BETTER DAY !!!! I HOPE ! So far there was Only ONE small arguement where it looked like His RAGE was about to FLARE UP, but I told Him right away... " Please DON'T ! I really want TODAY to be a GOOD DAY. Let's make it a GOOD DAY ! "We'll see IF that really sunk in, I suppose, as Today wears on.