Yesterday

yesterday i went to therapy.  had another big blow up with my sister.  god.  she's a narcissist.  my therapist sort of knows her casually and with that and what i have told her she agrees that my sister is a narcissist and that there's really nothing i can do about it which i knew .. but anyway, i go in and talk about her and all the shit she pulls and afterward i feel like.. unclean.   my therapist suggests doing things that bring me joy which is what i am trying to do but it's hard.  

for instance, there was a writing class here that she told me about at the college and suggested i go and i thought, great, that sounds fun and scarey which is good, right?  so, turns out i can't get off work.  stymied again.  and then i had just started this gentle yoga class at the Y which i liked quite a bit and i somehow injured my damned knee.

i got it xrayed yesterday and it test "normal" but it hurts a lot and i can't fully bend it so i have to keep pursuing help for that.  i seem to never get to the fun stuff.  or the "for me" stuff.

i am going to try again to go to the care giver support group this week.  havne't gotten there yet though i've been trying.  i'm scared cuz of the social aspect but i am going to try to push through that.  We'll see.  If i can't i'm not going to beat myself up about it but keep trying.

Keep trying.  Keep trying...  Wow, the thought of giving up feels so wonderful sometimes.  

And after I went to therapy yesterday morning, I was feeling really down and that's when I called the National Suicide Hotline.  Got a good person.  We talked for quite awhile.  It helped just to talk and have that human connect and to feel like someone was on my side.  

I miss my friends on here.  Some are gone for good and some are just busy I'm sure but I miss them.  That's the hardest thing about this site, for the most part it's great, but the coming and going aspect of many of the people on here really sucks.  

If anyone is reading this, I hope you are having a good weekend and enjoying the early Spring days.

xoxox Wendy