Yesterday
So, it looks like I will never have time to write out everything that has happened, but I will just give you an example of yesterday. Sophia had to fast from Sunday night until her Upper GI and bowel scan, which is EXTREMELY hard for her because an empty stomach exacerbates her GERD. By the time we left (late) at 5 a.m., she was BEGGING for even a sip of water and crying that her chest was HOT and hurting.
When we got there, they strapped her to a 5" wide board...with her arms stretched as far as they could go over her head...strapped the wrists...her head was in a brace and strapped down...and several more straps all the way down her. NOTHING given to relax her. Then, while she screamed that her back was hurting and her chest hurt, they shoved 6 oz of Barium into her throat...she gagged & vomited and they kept working at it. Once it was in, they lifted the board up and rotated her, like she was on a rotisserie to take different Xrays.
They had to wait until the Barium went from her MOUTH to her DIAPER...about 4 hours. 4 hours of hell.
I don't have time to look back at last week. I will just say that the ONLY "progress" of sorts that we have is that they told us that Sophia's intestines may herniate and kill her at any time. Not exactly easy to process.
And I'm trying to run last minute funeral errands on NO sleep and a frazzled nerve.
We were told to get a white cloth to cover Matthew's coffin while it is in the church, so I stopped by a Christian supply store, hoping to find one with a cross on it. I cried when I explained what I needed this for and explained that we miscarried our baby. The IDIOT WOMAN SALESPERSON said, "BE happy! The baby is with Jesus! Don't cry!!" So, I sobbed more and said, "We KNOW he is with Jesus and we are happy for HIM, but WE are sad for US...He is OUR BABY and we MISS HIM...we thought we were going to get to hold him, and feed him and love him and raise him.!" She continued saying stupid things...then asked me how long he lived after he was born...EVEN THOUGH I HAD TOLD HER THAT WE WERE ONLY 9 WEEKS PREGNANT when he died inside me! She asked agonizing insane details, and for some reason (the Holy Spirit) I remained patient (though crying) and answered everything.
Finally, she asked what we did with the baby's body when he came out and I told her about Jason having to give Matthew his bath's to preserve his body for a while. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE "GOT IT"!!! She broke down sobbing and asked a few GENTLE, SWEET, TENDER questions. Pretty soon, she said how SAD she was for our loss...and she even asked if she could come to his funeral. Of course, I said "yes."
I also told her that as an employee at a Christian store, she is kind of in a ministry...that it is so important for a grieving family to hear SADNESS at their loss...even when they understand the joy of Heaven. She said she understands it now and I sure hope she does! I guess it was worth that torturous conversation if I can spare another woman that kind of exchange. SHEESH.
Well, I'm off to cry some more. Can't seem to stop that again. Probably another AF ready to strike, which should just about kill me. I called my OBGYN today and told her I can't handle another period without a forewarning...so, I asked if she could order a serum pregnancy test, so I can be prepared. After more medical crud with Sophia, I will swing by the lab tomorrow for that. I love LOVE LOVE my OBGYN.
One day I hope to write a really happy, upbeat, funny entry. You guys may not know it, but the "REAL" me is actually pretty hilarious and sweet. LOL You just can't tell right now. (Oh, and I'm ever so humble, too...) lol
When we got there, they strapped her to a 5" wide board...with her arms stretched as far as they could go over her head...strapped the wrists...her head was in a brace and strapped down...and several more straps all the way down her. NOTHING given to relax her. Then, while she screamed that her back was hurting and her chest hurt, they shoved 6 oz of Barium into her throat...she gagged & vomited and they kept working at it. Once it was in, they lifted the board up and rotated her, like she was on a rotisserie to take different Xrays.
They had to wait until the Barium went from her MOUTH to her DIAPER...about 4 hours. 4 hours of hell.
I don't have time to look back at last week. I will just say that the ONLY "progress" of sorts that we have is that they told us that Sophia's intestines may herniate and kill her at any time. Not exactly easy to process.
And I'm trying to run last minute funeral errands on NO sleep and a frazzled nerve.
We were told to get a white cloth to cover Matthew's coffin while it is in the church, so I stopped by a Christian supply store, hoping to find one with a cross on it. I cried when I explained what I needed this for and explained that we miscarried our baby. The IDIOT WOMAN SALESPERSON said, "BE happy! The baby is with Jesus! Don't cry!!" So, I sobbed more and said, "We KNOW he is with Jesus and we are happy for HIM, but WE are sad for US...He is OUR BABY and we MISS HIM...we thought we were going to get to hold him, and feed him and love him and raise him.!" She continued saying stupid things...then asked me how long he lived after he was born...EVEN THOUGH I HAD TOLD HER THAT WE WERE ONLY 9 WEEKS PREGNANT when he died inside me! She asked agonizing insane details, and for some reason (the Holy Spirit) I remained patient (though crying) and answered everything.
Finally, she asked what we did with the baby's body when he came out and I told her about Jason having to give Matthew his bath's to preserve his body for a while. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE "GOT IT"!!! She broke down sobbing and asked a few GENTLE, SWEET, TENDER questions. Pretty soon, she said how SAD she was for our loss...and she even asked if she could come to his funeral. Of course, I said "yes."
I also told her that as an employee at a Christian store, she is kind of in a ministry...that it is so important for a grieving family to hear SADNESS at their loss...even when they understand the joy of Heaven. She said she understands it now and I sure hope she does! I guess it was worth that torturous conversation if I can spare another woman that kind of exchange. SHEESH.
Well, I'm off to cry some more. Can't seem to stop that again. Probably another AF ready to strike, which should just about kill me. I called my OBGYN today and told her I can't handle another period without a forewarning...so, I asked if she could order a serum pregnancy test, so I can be prepared. After more medical crud with Sophia, I will swing by the lab tomorrow for that. I love LOVE LOVE my OBGYN.
One day I hope to write a really happy, upbeat, funny entry. You guys may not know it, but the "REAL" me is actually pretty hilarious and sweet. LOL You just can't tell right now. (Oh, and I'm ever so humble, too...) lol
Replies
(((HUGS))). You are a patient & kind woman. I don\'t think I could\'ve calmly answered the sales girl\'s questions at the Christian store. Your poor little dd. It sounds like she had a horrible experience at the hospital. Why didn\'t they let her try to voluntarily drink the barium???? I trained to be an x-ray tech for a while, & made it to my senior year before leaving. We used to keep strawberry & chocolate Nesquick to mix w/ the barium for the kiddos. That & keping it cold helped it to make more palatable for them to drink, & MOST of them could actually do it on their own - though she would still probably need to be rotated, at least it would be less traumatic than be gagged on barium forcefully. Poor little girl.... Is there anything that can be done for her intestines?
They didn\'t have an allergy free option for her apparently, but the thing that really made me angry was that Friday, we did a Barium enema (which was also VERY unpleasant), but we asked DETAILED information about the Upper GI & Bowel procedure that was coming on Monday. They told us at that time that she could voluntarily drink the barium and that she could just lay on the normal XRay table and do the procedure. If they had told us about the board and positioning, etc, we could have prepared her (as we did with the barium enema), so she would cooperate. She is EXTREMELY bright and we always prepare her for what is coming by playing it out with her teddies and dolls. Really, we SHOULD have just refused the exam. The WONDERFUL tech who had helped us Friday talked to us afterward and said it was NOT necessary to do things the way the Radiologist did...she said she actually pleaded with him to NOT go the forceable route... She suggested we write the patient advocate at the hospital. We are still learning WHEN it is OK to put our feet down and what things are REQUIRED torture for diagnostic progress. We thought it was somehow necessary. I feel horrible knowing that it was NOT. My husband wanted to PUNCH the guy, he was so upset (my DH is NOT a violent person). :-) I don\'t know what they are going to do for Sophia. She is the sweetest angel in the world. This is a terrible situation and I feel we made it worse by allowing that horrible procedure to be done the way he did it.
I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing such an awful time right now. It sounds like that experience was beyond horrible. I can\'t even imagine how you were able to handle everything. And your poor Sophia and husband. I know it is only by God\'s grace and strength that your family is able to endure this horribly awful time. I\'m praying for quick resolution to your daughter\'s pain. Praying that you make it through the funeral tomorrow. You are such a caring person to be so considerate of other people\'s losses and incorporating them into your funeral. Blessings to you and your family. take care
I laughed at the very end of your entry ... I say that humble statement all the time to my friends. I think we would be very close.
I\'m so sorry for your pain Love ... so sorry. Soon we are going to have to chat on the phone. Love you and weeping for your beautiful little girl.