Yes Sometimes I'm Still Sad

Sometimes tears clog my throat so that I can hardly breatheThey well up in my eyes and sometimes they spill overThe time between crying spells is longer but yes Cara I still miss you and I still love youNothing has changed... I love you for always... Its not just a promise baby... its what I feel... I love you because I want to... Loving you is, was and always will be my pleasure... I don't resent you for being gone... I'm not angry with you because I sometimes feel so sad and miss you so much... Its all okay... because I'm your mama... and I love you.  Mama



Bless you

You know Elissa I used to feel guilty because as time went on I cried less and less. I never forgot Timmy, I never could, he was such a PERSONALITY. I went on to blame every bad thing that happened in my family on Timmy\'s death. After all if this one or that one didn\'t feel so lost without Timmy they wouldn\'t behave that way.
I realize now that it was ME that was not engaging and I was the cause for the troubles. You see every time I went back to that day I broke down, every time I went back to the funeral I broke down.... I mean hysterical crying, sobbing and then the inability to function very well for the next couple of days from depressed exhausion. My parents, my children...they couldn\'t stand seeing me like this, they did not know how to deal with ME not being their rock. Adults tend to sympathize when they are with you....become frustrated that they cannot help you....and drift off to do their own thing so you do not pull them down. Your kids don\'t have that option. They are too young to deal with Mommy being sad all the time.....they don\'t understand why THEY can\'t make you proud or happy or why they are not as important as their dead brother.
I was lucky enoguh to have my sister and my parents that filled the gap with the kids. No, it was not the same and it took me a long, long time to become important to my kids again .... for them to trust me enough to realize I loved them just as much as I did Timmy. ... that it was me and not them that could not move on.
To this day if I go back to that time I cry.... no longer do I lose myself in my damages me and it damages those around me. I do not, nor will I ever love Timmy any less than I did the day before he died...but I love every one else too and my being able to function is more important, more vital to everyone else around me. Yes, I forced myself to lose myself in my living children. I learned to hold them responsible for themselves and not allow anyone to blame Timmy\'s death on their shortcomings. I learned not to blame myself for Timmy\'s death because disease and illness is something I could not control.
We are now a whole generation past Timmy\'s death with the birth of my grandkids. They all know who Timmy is. They all talk about and ask questions about Uncle Timmy. We all talk about Timmy freely and comfortably and with joy.
Can I go back? Sure...any minute .... any day.... but then again I am so busy with the grandkids....with my Mom.....with my Aunt.....with life.

I believe I will see Timmy again as well as all the others in my life that I have loved and have gone on to something more than I could ever offer. When I see them again I want them to be proud of what I have done in my life. I want them to proud of who I was. I don\'t want them to see someone who crawled into the grave behind them. I want to matter!

As you know, I did not think I could ever matter again after my stroke. Again, I was wrong. My firends here made me communicate again. They forced me to learn to couch my words so what I had to say would be said without being hurtful. I did hurt two people very badly on here becuase I did not know how to say what I wanted to say well enough and what I said was too blunt .... too brutal. But they understood and forgave me and I learned. I learned enough to teach again....I started to research again....I started to see that my life was not over that I had more to do. Sometimes finding out what to do is hard for me. Life doesn\'t just happen to you. There is no big bright arrow that points to you and says this is what you do. You happen to life and have to jump in and say...Geez I can do that and then find a way to do it.
Timmy will never be gone as long as someone will remember him with the joy and happiness he brought us and so therefore he will never really be gone. I cannot hug him or feel him press his cheeck against mine but I can feel my grandkids hug me,, I can feel them ask their questions and look at me for answers with the same innocence and look in their eyes that Timmy had. I can hear them giggle and can appreciate the antics. I can look at my kids and almost see Timmy right in the middle of them living his life and fitting just so. I can imagine what his life would have been,,,so he will never be gone as long as he is remembered....and he will be for a long, long time.

Love ya Elissa,