Yes I Did It This Time

She called me into her office, I walked in, she said, “Welcome,” like she often does.  I asked her how she was, good, sat down and said, “I need to go to the bathroom.”  She looked a little surprised.  Not surprised that I had to go but I think surprised so early and quickly.  “I want to go walking today.  I have to figure this out.  To do it with no escalation and not have an accident.  I have to get this right.”  She nodded and said to use my determination.  I told her I had extra, extra clothes so that if it wouldn’t work the first time we’ll try again.    She asked me if I wanted to just walk the halls and stay close to the bathroom.  No, I wanted to walk outside.  I asked her how many times I walked the last time because I know the first time was 5 times around.  She asked me when I had an accident or not.  When I did.  She didn’t remember.  So we left right away because she knows I can’t wait very long to do this.  She asked me if I wanted to bring my clothes and motioned toward her drawer.  I told her we’d bring the ones I just brought.  I handed her the bag to hold and we took off.  The massage therapist saw us – wonder what she thinks.  So we walked out of the office and down the steps to the first floor.  I think I mentioned about taking my daughter’s boyfriend to the dentist today.  I don’t think she realized I already did it.  We got to the top of the second set of stairs to go outside and I started not being able to hold it any longer.  Maybe I got quiet, maybe I said something – I just don’t know.  I think she glanced back at me and asked me how I’m doing.  “I have to go too badly,” I told her as I slowed down on the stairs.  “Are you waiting too long?” she asked me.  I have no idea what I said but she knew I was not holding it.   She said, “Let’s go downstairs,” and led me in that direction.  I told her I couldn’t because I’ll drip.  “Let’s go outside,” she told me.  Sometime in there she handed me my bag to cover – maybe before she suggested to go downstairs.  We went outside.  When we got there I told her I didn’t realize I have pants on and not shorts on.  We were right next to the door.  She stood out there with me.  I quickly moved a step back and stood in the wood chips again.  But since I had pants on this time I didn’t get it all over the place.  I remember no conversation if there was one or not.    Before I knew it we were walking back inside.  I told her to go first – maybe she opened the door first for me to go.  She went in before me and said she’d check the door for me.  She head down the stairs, into the hallway and I was behind her.  The door was open to that office.  She just went up there and stood until I scooted into the bathroom.  Later I asked if she talked to anyone.  She said no.  I went quickly into the bathroom and she didn’t see a thing thank goodness.  I changed and came back out.  She was waiting for me by the steps again – smiling – always smiling.  We walked back upstairs and we may have talked a little about something but I don’t know what.    We got back into her office.  She asked me how I felt.  I told her I was OK.  That it was OK – I’ll try next time.  She asked me what I think happened.  “I just had to go too badly,” I told her.  She nodded.  She asked me what it felt like just before I started going, that I knew I couldn’t do this anymore.  I told her I’m holding as tight as I can but it comes out anyway.  It’s like an urge or a spasm that comes within my body.  She said like the doctor in that article said.  Yes.  The fear comes in a higher part of my body like my head.    We talked that I still can’t tell what comes first – the chicken or the egg.  I don’t know if I get the fear first which causes the spasm or I get the spasm first and then start going with the fear.  I just can’t tell.  She said how anyone in that situation would feel the fear and panic.  She’s tells me that a lot hoping to get me to feel so not alone in my feelings I’m sure.  She asked me if I get that spasm at any other time.  I told her sometimes, not all the time, I will when I don’t even have to go to the bathroom.  I have no idea what that’s about.  She just listened not knowing what to say I guess.  I don’t know either.  I told her how I want to throw pillows at this problem.  Draw a picture of a bladder and throw it away in the trash outside.  She didn’t say to do these things because I think that would be not facing it and not dealing with it.  I tell her how tired I am of dealing with it – every day!  She knows.  She said the other massage therapist (the healing one) would say ‘to love my bladder’.  I can’t do that – I don’t like my bladder.  We talked about being a rebellious child.  It would rebel against me.    She gently mentioned about going to a doctor about it again.  I said I have been.  It’s been a while.  But then I did that study.  She said that was good but they weren’t interested in me – just about the medicine I was testing.  We laughed that I was just a study number.  She said about doing other things if some things don’t work what I’m doing now.  What other things?  She knows how badly I don’t want to go to a doctor.  I don’t say but first of all I’m scared.  Second of all it’s embarrassing – telling someone else.  Thirdly I’ve been and nothing seems to help – no medicines – and I don’t want to go through all that failure again.   I get so mad at myself.  I don’t feel the shame anymore.  She said that’s good.  But I do feel the anger.  I shouldn’t have had an accident, I should be able to do this and such.  That’s where I feel like I set myself up for things.  But I do them like the trips and things.  I work though them but still worry.  And sometimes I just want to think I don’t have the problem at all in a denial.  Like this weekend to Amish Country.  Like I’ll be fine, I’ll just wait until I find a bathroom and  I won’t have any problems.  But it’s not like that when it’s the reality of it.    Having to ask people to stop.  She asked me if, on this trip this weekend, if my denial will stop me from doing that.  Will I not say something?  I told her no.  If I’m really needing to go I’ll say something – I have to.  She asked me if I ever don’t.  I told her with my friend I didn’t always say something.  She wanted to talk more about her and wondered if it’s affected me with her reactions.  Yes.  She’d get mad or inconvenienced and I’d not want to say anything.  But I’ve learned not to do that.  With my husband in the car I say something as soon as I feel it because we often have to find a bathroom.  And his reactions with the ‘everything will be fine’ and then he gets mad if something happens until I say something about it.  That’s not good for me either.  So we talked about the Amish Country trip a little but also about the California trip.  I told her I booked it and I’m so excited.  I just love California.  I wish I could stay longer but we have to stay in hotels.  She’s going to San Francisco Saturday until the following Sunday but she stays at relatives houses.    I can’t wait to go and see my son – it’s my highlight of my trip like I’m sure was hers on her cruise (she nodded yes).  I know I’m going to cry and especially when we leave.  She said it’s OK to let him know how I feel but don’t make it a burden.  We’ll talk more about that later and about calling my Aunt to tell her which I will probably do with her.   We talked a little about Sunday night and Monday and how crowded it is, it’s long and how I hate to leave during.  Last time I was able to sit on the end and we may not be able to do that this time.  And a little about my daughter’s birthday Monday and we’re celebrating Sunday.  She said we have a lot of birthdays lately.  We do – five of them in September and October.    I looked up at my worry box from my last trip.  I said I should probably take the cards home but leave the box.  I’d like to do that again before I go and some worries will be the same and some different.  And have our little lady watch over it.  We talked about staying at my cousin’s house – 1 night.  How we’ll need to prepare for that.  And the night with my son at a hotel.  Both I’ll have to wear Big Bertha and practice with it because if it leaks we’ll have to figure out what to do.  She asked where I’m sleeping.  In their sons bed with my husband and my son in a sleeping bag.    She said to treat this one, especially with just my husband for those 2 nights, like when we were in Mexico.  How did I handle it then?  What worked?  I told her extra towels.  They worked some but not completely.  What else?  I didn’t know.  At this point I think I wanted to put it off until later to talk about it.  Not yet.  Whatever we do for each trip I just want to forget about it.  I don’t want to deal with it anymore so it’s like starting over.  She asked me if it was worth not going on my trips.  Oh, no.  I love going on trips.  But it’s like, “Here we go again,” and I guess we’ll just have to do what we have to do.  She nodded.  Thank goodness she’s there for me and she’s a tremendous help.  She also told me her partner’s friend has Cystic Fibrosis and she is going to die with it.  But she still sells these health products and it on TV with infomercials.  She keeps on going like I should.  We are spending a lot of time in the car and my son really has no idea about my problem.  We’ll just have to deal with all that later – not now.  But the trip is only a month away so we really don’t have that much time.  I was hoping for a break but oh, well.  I always get afraid of what others will think.  Like my friends on my girl trip – oh, no not again.  And then they won’t like me or want to go places with me.  On this trip when something happened, instead of getting in my quiet mode, I talked a lot – more than usual.  I’m surprised I acted that way but I did.  And the one friend who gave me a hard time because she thought I was in cahoots with her sister and protected our other friend.  She said to make sure I’m myself and not get into any bad mode.  I said I’ll just go into it this weekend as my friendly, take charge leader role.    She said to continue to do the waiting at home and drink lots of water – even more water.  I told her I do.  I’m not giving up and I want to keep trying.  She said I can’t do this when I go out.  No.  She asked me if I’m going to stay home tomorrow.  Probably.  She said I can do it then.  Yes.  She said to keep doing this, keep going forward with it, but don’t be so hard on myself when I have an accident.  That’s the key.  I told her at home when I wait too long and have an accident it makes me mad at myself, too.  She was surprised.  She thought it wouldn’t because no one is there and it doesn’t inconvenience anyone.  I told her I like the privacy but I still get angry at myself like it shouldn’t have happened.  And it’s more lonely alone at home.  With her I have her encouragement.  I think she understands.  After a while I told her I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.  I wanted to change the subject and we did.  We talked about other things but this snuck in still here and there.  It goes to show you how much a part of my life this is.  I hate it!  At one point I needed to go to the bathroom again.  She asked me if I wanted to go now to go walking.  “Yes.”  She knows I don’t want to wait very long to do this and how much I want success.  She motioned to my bag to bring with and I told her the one in the drawer.  She got it out, asked me if I wanted to hold it, no, and we set off again with her holding my bag of extra clothes.  As we were walking down the front stairs we saw people outside with an umbrella and she comment that there’s other people walking.  By the second set of stairs we saw the Chiropractor and said hi.  He was wondering which direction we were going and we just said outside.  We got outside and I clarified with her which one he was.  The husband of the other social worker on the second floor.  So we walked.  She said she’d count how many times we walk around.  I had told her to just talk earlier but I think we both did the talking.  Again – I can’t remember what we talked about.  I got to one point and I started escalating.  Later she asked me at what point that was.  I wasn’t sure but I could tell her where we were.  It was at the far end by the grass.  She later asked me if that’s when she suggested to go back.  Yes.  She told me she must have felt me escalating and that’s why she said that.  Wow – that’s pretty interesting.  But that’s a good thing.  So we walked back.  I do remember her telling me we have time.  I can do this.  I don’t remember anything else on the walk back.  When we opened the door she asked me if I want my bag of clothes.  At first I thought no because I was still doing OK but then I thought yes in case I don’t make it all the way.  I took the bag.  She said she’d wait for me by the stairs.  I went to the bathroom, came out and happily told her, “I did good!”  “Yes,” and she gave me a thumbs up.  We walked back up the 2 flights of stairs and back into her office.  I commented it looks brighter out there (in the stairway area going up to the second floor) for some reason – maybe new light bulbs.  Other conversation – who knows.  It’s so funny how I can remember places we’re at but I can’t remember conversations.  So weird!  Maybe there are no conversations - ??  We got back inside her office and she asked me how that felt.  “So good!”  I told her.  I was so happy I didn’t have an accident.  We talked a little about what made it different.  I don’t know.  Again not sure if when I’m escalating it if I’m realizing what I’m doing and I’m going to need to go back inside soon.  And I have to be able to make it back inside.  She said it’s a far walk back inside and then to the bathroom and like going around 1-2 more times.  She told me we walked around 3 times when I asked her.  I also told her I guess it also depends how badly I have to go.  She said it was about 40 minutes between the times I had to go to the bathroom.  “Is that usual for me?”  I reminded her again I can go longer.  “I know,” she replied.  I hope she believes me!  She asked me what makes the difference.  How much I’ve drinken if I’m drinking a lot or not very much.    In conclusion we talked about how I can get out of either the sacredness of this problem or the denial that I can get into with this problem.  She wrote down what we said and when she handed me the little piece of paper she told me it can be my motto.  Yes, like my grandson just joining Boy Scouts and he loves it.  Here’s what she wrote down:  I have the problem.  I’ll do what I need to do. If something happens I’ll handle it. I’ll be prepared.    The first sentence is owning up to it – no denial here.  The second is to do what I need to do when I need to go to the bathroom.  The third is if I have an accident I’ll know what to do.  And the last one she remembered to add at the end is to always have extra clothes with me in the car or what ever.    After I went to the massage therapist.  I stayed an hour longer just looking at her out west road trip on her laptop.  I started to worry about time and needing to have to go to the bathroom again.  But I did fine.  I didn’t need to go so I kept telling myself that.  And I thought about how close the bathroom was if I needed it but I hated the thought of having to tell her and leave during it.  I also didn’t move in my chair because I didn’t want to feel anything in case I needed to go.  But I’m proud – I didn’t bring it on like I usually do.  Worry – yes, I still worried but I did fine!  Yeah!