Yes, I am acting like an asshole to OW
Yes, in the last few weeks I have behaved like an asshole towards OW, a person that I had cared about and who says she deeply cares about and would do anything for me. While I never said that I would leave my family to be with her, I believe that she saw a future with me. I did imagine such a future but each time the life I have with my kids (and to a lessor extent my W) won out.
I have now pulled away from her (OW) in a passive aggressive manner in a very cold manner that is not at all like me. I have turned on her in fact and she is confused, bewildered and in pain. It hurts me to hurt her but . . . she is the one that initially pursed me, knowing full well that I had a family. She also has a child and an H, an H that has been somewhat loyal to her despite knowing about our A, while my W knows nothing.
Although it hurts me to hurt OW, I cannot continue living this duplicitous life. Believe it or not, but I also want to stop causing hurt to her H in the way that I have. My emotions are a wreck and I risk hurting my daughters ages 12 and 4. If I have to choose between hurting OW who is an adult and my girls, well I choose not to hurt my girls. And so I am an asshole . . . an asshole that must now make amends with his W who, for the time being, does not know how much of an asshole and cheater I am. . .
I have now pulled away from her (OW) in a passive aggressive manner in a very cold manner that is not at all like me. I have turned on her in fact and she is confused, bewildered and in pain. It hurts me to hurt her but . . . she is the one that initially pursed me, knowing full well that I had a family. She also has a child and an H, an H that has been somewhat loyal to her despite knowing about our A, while my W knows nothing.
Although it hurts me to hurt OW, I cannot continue living this duplicitous life. Believe it or not, but I also want to stop causing hurt to her H in the way that I have. My emotions are a wreck and I risk hurting my daughters ages 12 and 4. If I have to choose between hurting OW who is an adult and my girls, well I choose not to hurt my girls. And so I am an asshole . . . an asshole that must now make amends with his W who, for the time being, does not know how much of an asshole and cheater I am. . .
Replies
Many times I have thought about her H and the pain that I must have brought onto him. I actually pray everyday for their marriage now. . .
Hi sedge.. Glad your back and I think you are good to be journaling. I am really being sincere and not just a smart ass when I say I am so glad that I toke the NC plan so seriously. When I decided to end it all with my ow I was mad at her. That made it easy to delete everything I could find of her. Pics.. Wow.. Some of those were really good! But they were deleted.. Notes, letters everything! She had a pt job working for me.. I fired her immediatly. And... I called verizon and had her blocked.. Then deleted her name and number from phone. I know.. Sounds cold and brutal .. But I don\'t regret it. Then after a couple weeks anger wore off.. I missed her badly but I knew I had to stay away from her games.. I was an emotional wreck and needed to heal. And I am getting better.. At a much faster rate then before.. So... I feel for you man.. If you can just find whatever it takes to complety end it.. And I mean tell her goodbye.. And then press delete. It does get better man... I promise.
Thanks buddy. I think that I will be good with the NC for at least another week. I don\'t see myself contacting OW at all unless she contacts me and it is some kind of \"personal catastrophe\" of hers. I have actually already drafted an email to her in case she calls or emails. I won\'t answer the phone or directly answer the email. Instead the email draft that I have simply says \"please don\'t try to contact me anymore.\" No explanations, no \"I\'m sorrys and no arguments.
Betterman:
Bye-the-way. For the fellas out there (sorry ladies). Whenever you feel down about losing the OW or problems in the M the whoa-is-me moments, get your smart-phone with the headphones,, go onto you-tube and search out Chris Rock, the comedian, and listen to his bits on \"marriage\" \"relationships\" \"cheating\" \"women\". I guarantee that no matter how down you are, this brother will have you laughing your ass off at all this stuff.. TRUST ME IT WORKS!