Year 2 is Behind Me
I want to thank you all for the supportive words and hugs that peppered my week, as I pushed through the anniversary of Seth's 2nd angel day. It's so incredibly confusing to try to know how to emotionally work through this. I tried to schedule activities, thinking I should be out and not alone in my pain. I tried to not look at the clock, reliving the '2 years ago, I was.....' thinking. At around 4:20pm, when my baby passed, my heart was pounding and I so wanted to just break down and cry, regardless of the fact that I was with friends and family - enjoying a perfectly beautiful Sunday afternoon. I still can't believe he's not here on this earth with me. I still can't believe I failed him against this horrific cancer. I can't believe our life goes on here, and the guilt of this, on anniversary #2, is where I am in my journey of healing. It would be so easy to lose yourself in this grief.
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Time seems to passing very quickly for me, for which I\'m grateful. It\'s been 2 1/2 years for me now, and sometimes it seems like it was just last night. My grieving has gotten bearable yet there will always be that pain in my heart. We understand completely that this will never be over.
Big Tight Hugs,
Terry
I just logged on to DS and read your journal about #2. This month was #8 for me. I know what you mean about the horrific cancer. We lost our Jeff to colon cancer. Like you said time seems to passing by and it would be so easy to lose ourselves in our grief. Sometimes I feel so hopeless and so guilty that I didn\'t know what was wrong with our Jeff till it was too late. Hoping for you much peace during this time.
Nell
Patti, you didn\'t fail Seth. His body did..it stopped working just like my son\'s heart failed him. If only we could have kissed those boo - boos away like we did when they were little. If only...But you loved Seth into this world and you loved him as he transitioned to the next. He knows how much you love him.
I agree with what you said about it being easy to lose oneself in grief. Sometimes the thought of just sinking into a depression and being so far down I can\'t think or feel is even seductive to me. But most of the time I fight. I fight for me and I fight for life since Ed\'s was cut short. Somehow I feel like I should live my best life to honor my son. I know our kids want us to be as happy as we can be despite the pain of losing our sons too soon. But it takes time. At 4 years I can say the pain has lifted quite a bit. I found 2 years to be a difficult year. The numbness had worn off and year 2 was all too real. Gentle hugs as you navigate this journey no one wants to embark on, Linda
Yes,
\"it would be so easy to lose yourself in this grief.\"
I completely agree...Must be serendipity, but I just tonight wrote an entry on my blog pretty much on this same topic...If you\'re interested, read the latest entry at www.bereavedmoms.com--I think you (hopefully anyway!) may find it helpful as we are Christian Moms--battling the enemy...The second year is a VERY rough year for many, many Moms...Thinking of you with love (and empathy), Donna
You did not fail Seth, any more than I failed Jenn, but I totally get why you said that, I also feel guilt.
Tight hugs
Marylou
I understand what you are describing... Grief can become life consuming and at times I believe it needs to be that way. I need to go \"there\" yet cannot stay \"there\" for long now as that deep abyss is seductive and I need to keep treading water.
I believe as mothers who have had our children go on before us that guilt is wrapped up into that package. I heard my own mother and father talk about this with my late brother and it\'s something that we have to be able to express here too. It is part of the healing that must be poked around in. Yet, in the end what helps me is to remember if the tables were turned and I had gone on before Douglas, would I want him feeling this way around me for things said, not said, done, not done... I would not so that reins my spiraling thoughts in and puts it into a safe container that I don\'t have to take the lid off of too often.
You are a courageous woman to have moved through this day as you did and your beautiful Seth is missed with every breath. Oh, Patti, I know...
Sending the tightest of heart (((hugs))) and love your way and each of these years brings challenges. You have survived the first year and are now into the second... You will ride this wave as best as you are able with many holding your hands and heart.
Much love,
XO Joanie
I so agree that this is so consuming. I am there and I am not sure if I want to get out. I guess I am trying. Seth and all our children want us to be happy again. Living for them!!!! Love to you. Kathy
Hugs and reminders that your not alone. Year 7 for me and I still sink into that seductive darkness on occasion, and furthermore still have those guilt feelings, at least at times. Sending you and Seth kisses in the wind this morning!
I understand that you have the feeling of failing your son, I experience the same feelings. We would have traded places with our sons if we could, but it wasn\'t. Neither you or me or anyone failed. I am sure that there are others feel that too...I wish I woulda coulda of done more for Ken. That\'s what mom\'s do. I am sure you did all you possibly could....sending my thoughts to you, Sandi
I am so sorry for your loss....this site has changed so much, I have not really figured it out..