Writing again
Ok... Here I am writing again. I was anxious this afternoon about writing my feelings but I will write now.
I was talking to my sister [I am a little anxious] and for the first time since a long time I could see the bottom of my depression. I didn't see it as suicidal depression, rather I kind of saw the bottom of it. It is like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was writing to someone the other day on DS about my suicidal thoughts and I felt that saw for myself what really made me suicidal and thought that possibly there is a solution to the problem, albait it could be imaginary. The solution looks like this: my dad and I reconcile our differences and my dad realize how bad he treated me and tell me that he didn't mean it and that he loves me. See it is so far fetched. it could never happen. My dad will never understand me, let alone say sorry to me for how he treated me throughout the past 3-4 years. It could never happen. Also that will entail that I love myself after he loves me and I find that it is too difficult to do. I don't know if I will be able to love myself. I feel like I am a bad person. I have thoughts in my mind that make me think that I am a bad person. These thoughts are trouble for me. I cannot express them and if I do I don't know what people will think about them and about me. It is so tough. My dad just didn't love me on top of me not loving myself. It was so difficult. It isn't something that could be solved. I can see the bottom of the depression as much as I would like, but I will never reach it. It is a hopeless case! Nothing short of a miracle can get me there and I do not believe in miracles. Boy is this really emptionally charged. It has a lot of grudges in it towards my dad. Is it possible to carry this grudge all my life? How can I work around it? My dad is still alive, can this be something that I can be positive about and I can tell my dad about my grudges. I don't know? Will he understand? Why couldn't he show my love and not wait for me to talk to him if I do? [note to myself, wouldn't I want to wait and tell him first before judging about whether he was able to love me before?] Do I dare talk to my dad about things that have hurt me? What about things that I forgot about? Will he change his ways? Is it possible that he changes his ways? Is it in him that he changes his ways and love me like a son? It is tough! It is good to learn new ways to reach what I want. I think my way is to learn to be more spiritual. The other day I had a spiritual experience that I was able to learn from and I felt so good. I have the capacity to communicate through a spiritual experience. Does this make sense? I feel that I sound like Eckhart Tolle who I think isn't very wise. I bought his book A New Earth and could read past the first couple of pages. It struck a very judgmental tone from the start. Why would anyone want to go through anything that I went through. I always come back to the thought that it might have been good to kill myself when I was thinking that it was good. It wouldn't have been good to seize the moment and do it. The moment past and I live in dread now. It is like I am living in reverse. I don't know what that mean but somehow it makes sense in my mind. Why do I have to go through all this suffering? I have no answer.
I was talking to my sister [I am a little anxious] and for the first time since a long time I could see the bottom of my depression. I didn't see it as suicidal depression, rather I kind of saw the bottom of it. It is like I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was writing to someone the other day on DS about my suicidal thoughts and I felt that saw for myself what really made me suicidal and thought that possibly there is a solution to the problem, albait it could be imaginary. The solution looks like this: my dad and I reconcile our differences and my dad realize how bad he treated me and tell me that he didn't mean it and that he loves me. See it is so far fetched. it could never happen. My dad will never understand me, let alone say sorry to me for how he treated me throughout the past 3-4 years. It could never happen. Also that will entail that I love myself after he loves me and I find that it is too difficult to do. I don't know if I will be able to love myself. I feel like I am a bad person. I have thoughts in my mind that make me think that I am a bad person. These thoughts are trouble for me. I cannot express them and if I do I don't know what people will think about them and about me. It is so tough. My dad just didn't love me on top of me not loving myself. It was so difficult. It isn't something that could be solved. I can see the bottom of the depression as much as I would like, but I will never reach it. It is a hopeless case! Nothing short of a miracle can get me there and I do not believe in miracles. Boy is this really emptionally charged. It has a lot of grudges in it towards my dad. Is it possible to carry this grudge all my life? How can I work around it? My dad is still alive, can this be something that I can be positive about and I can tell my dad about my grudges. I don't know? Will he understand? Why couldn't he show my love and not wait for me to talk to him if I do? [note to myself, wouldn't I want to wait and tell him first before judging about whether he was able to love me before?] Do I dare talk to my dad about things that have hurt me? What about things that I forgot about? Will he change his ways? Is it possible that he changes his ways? Is it in him that he changes his ways and love me like a son? It is tough! It is good to learn new ways to reach what I want. I think my way is to learn to be more spiritual. The other day I had a spiritual experience that I was able to learn from and I felt so good. I have the capacity to communicate through a spiritual experience. Does this make sense? I feel that I sound like Eckhart Tolle who I think isn't very wise. I bought his book A New Earth and could read past the first couple of pages. It struck a very judgmental tone from the start. Why would anyone want to go through anything that I went through. I always come back to the thought that it might have been good to kill myself when I was thinking that it was good. It wouldn't have been good to seize the moment and do it. The moment past and I live in dread now. It is like I am living in reverse. I don't know what that mean but somehow it makes sense in my mind. Why do I have to go through all this suffering? I have no answer.
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