Wow That Family History Report Was Really Hard

I came in and asked her how she was doing.  Good, and thanked me.  I said how that guy in the waiting room was back and I was glad – I was a little worried about him.  I told her I want to talk about my kids from last night and she doesn’t have to say anything if she doesn’t want to.  Just my perspective – don’t know if it was that exact word.  Then I want to go through a thought process with her and tell her something good – maybe good – a phone call I got.    I told her what happened with the chess game and my grandson last night.  How my daughter’s boyfriend messed everything up and I told him he’ll notice and he put things back only when I did.  Yes, he did notice.  My daughter’s boyfriend needs to respect my grandson’s game and my grandson needs to be able to trust me when I say nothing will happen to it.  She agreed especially on the second one.  That’s how he makes problems that shouldn’t be.    I said how my daughter told me what she suggested on the way out last night and also called me later.  About my daughter’s ex and how my daughter told me about once a month visitation and he will blow that up, blame her, he has a gun and like I’ve told her before I’m scared.  I want the best for those kids.  She asked if maybe she shouldn’t do it and that I have more insight on this than she does that I can give me insights.  I told her about the urine soaked clothes he returned.  I don’t think he wets his bed that much but maybe emotional (I feel for him on that and she nodded like she knows I do) or maybe this grandma just gave him too much to drink.  And, the time before last, when we were here playing “Uno” and he had to go real bad and said he was about to pee in his pants.  “Go!” I told him.  I hope he’s not getting like me.  She understood both how I see it.    I said how the kids are so good with me.  I do see what happens and I hate it when my grandson says he wants to kill himself.  When my daughter, or friend, gives me stuff I look through it and bring back things to them they might have given me by accident.  Last night I brought back some CD’s and we put them in the CD player and listened – it was great – The Wiggles.  I also said how I tried to hide going to the bathroom when I was out there with my daughter’s boyfriend by saying I was getting my granddaughter a tissue (she has a cold).  He said he had one but I had to go to the bathroom anyway and went.    Before I started talking about my thought processes I told her how last time we didn’t talk about my problem at all and I was so, so glad.  I want to get like that by either the problem going away or just acceptance but I’m not there yet.  So it’s part of my life and I need to talk about it.  I told her how I almost forgot to plan this month’s event with our friends to Amish Country – 2 ½ hours away.  How I didn’t want to because I thought of my girl trips and all that went with it with having to go to the bathroom, accidents and such.  I didn’t want to go I didn’t want to deal with it.  I thought they’d be mad that I didn’t start earlier but felt like I had to follow through with it.    So after finding out they are closed on Sunday (it’s their holy day and the whole city closes down) I had to reschedule with my friend who works on weekends and find another date – in later September.  Then I had to call everyone up to tell them.  Two of my friends mentioned about doing something else.  The first one I told her I’d think about it.  I didn’t even want to do that not to deal with anything.  So at that point my therapist asked me if I could have done something else, something closer where we can just meet them there and it wouldn’t be so stressful.    I told her what I ended up doing.  When the second friend called me back and asked we talked about going to a restaurant (HH) and asked her if she’s been.  No.  To a similar one on the other side of the highway – yes.  So then I could be my take charge person I am and called everyone and told them.  I can be pretty assertive and I didn’t get the arguing like my family does.  I could be myself and they all listened.  I just told them when and where and told them to let me know how many so I can call for reservations if I can.  I wouldn’t have done anything if 2 friends wouldn’t have said something.  And, if my husband didn’t remind me I would have totally forgotten unless I happened to look at the calendar.  Then someone would have called me to ask about it.  We also talked this time and a little last time about the book I wrote with the “That’s Me” in it’s title.  That’s who I want to be – me.    I want to not get so stressed when I have to deal with this.  She commented how she knows I’m so tired of it.  Yes.  That’s why this compromise was good.  I told her we’ll have to work on this trip in September – not now.  She respects that.  She did ask me about what it is - going out there and coming back?  Yes, and I’ll have to stop one time – I hope just one time.  Also about it being in someone’s home if they will let you go to the bathroom.  She said I’ll need to go there and they are hosts so they have to know people will use their bathroom.  OK.  She commented on how people do go to the bathroom but understands about me going so many times.  I said yes and it’s easier when I’m somewhere and I can just go.  Traveling with other people I can’t and they all have to know.    She noticed how this is something I really want to do.  When I told her about having a meal in someone’s house she looked like that sounded interesting, too.  Yes, but thinking about my problem always gets in the way.  I told her how my husband and I toured a Mennonite community in Kolona, Iowa and they don’t use electricity but drive cars.  But Amish don’t do either.  I love learning about people, how they live and their cultures.  She commented on my excitement about this.  I told her how my son is at my house again – seems to be when I come here.  But she wanted to know about the good news – maybe good news.  I told her how 6 months ago I went to the Volunteer Fair and ended up filling out 2 applications.  One I heard from but they wanted a commitment I couldn’t do with my work.  The other one called yesterday and I wondered why they didn’t before.  Did I put something wrong on the application, did they not need someone?  So I asked a lot of questions.  How often, how long and such.  Only a couple hours so I start Tuesday.  I asked her if she thought I could go two hours without having to go to the bathroom.  She said there will be bathrooms around I can pop into.    She asked me what I want to get out of it.  It’s only volunteer but maybe word of mouth for a paying job because that’s the best way.  I don’t know if I’ll like it.  It’s clerical but I hope it’s not stuffing envelopes by myself only – I can’t handle that.  I asked her about the lady we saw (on the steps) walking because she works there, too.  She said she’s the supervisor for the counseling but I may not even run into her.  I can just say I see the massage therapist (that’s OK) there if she recognizes me.  I don’t have to say I see her (my therapist).  I’m not embarrassed about seeing a massage therapist I told her when she asked me.  She said yes, everyone does that.  I said I was with her when she saw us.  She said we might have just been walking down the stairs – but not together.  And, she’s professional – she wouldn’t say anything.  Then she wanted to know if we should continue on the family history report.  Yes.  She read where we left off.  It was really hard to hear.  Lots of harsh words, words she said they don’t even use anymore.  When I had to go to the bathroom I told her.  She suggested I go but I wanted to wait a bit, she said it too and I waited a little.  She asked if I’ll be able to listen.  I said I’d try.  In a few minutes I interrupted her.  “Her name,” I said shaking my head no.  “I have to go,” I said and then stood up, went and came back.  She continued reading like nothing.    At the beginning I said how I’d like to have a copy of what she wrote down last week somehow.  “The goals?” she asked.  Yes and other things.  She looked at it, commenting how she had to start another folder for me because the other one got so thick.  I asked her if she has many that come as long as me.  She said how twice a week, it adds up faster.  She apparently didn’t want to copy it and took out a pad of paper to write things down but never did.  I guess because we got into it so much.  She finished reading it, I’m not sure if she skipped a little or not, and looked like she might have read ahead just a bit maybe before I came.  We never did do the first 6 pages again that we did so long ago.  When we finished she handed it back to me, knowing it upset me, and told me to put it aside.  Whatever we ended up doing with it, I think she thought it was enough.  It was hard enough as it was.    During her reading she was looking down almost the whole time.  I think I sighed once and she looked up and said, “How are you doing?  I know this is hard for you.”  OK.  She asked me if I wanted her to stop.  I thought a second and told her it’s OK – she can continue reading.  By the end I was really fighting tears with one even escaping that I had to wipe away.  We were talking by then.  She talked pretty much.  I mostly listened commenting here and there.  I told her how I think I was this normal child and it was my Mom that had all the problems.  And they had to make something out of it and that’s what some of that stuff was.  When I was sort of crying I told her how engulfing my Mom was and the reality of it and how I had to put up with it even later.  My brain functioning was good – nothing wrong there.  When I wasn’t “fooling around” I did real well on the testing – really smart.  But there was something in there about dependency I told her last time I wanted to explore.  It said about me being passive aggressive.  There was a part about stumbling.  I said when I was 4, from the encephalitis, I had surgery to correct my snake-like walk and eyes. So I didn’t know what that was about.  There was about how I avoided conflicts and showing my feelings (like now).  Also about compulsive organization.  Something about camping trip and wanting someone to sleep with me but I showed no worry – it was my Mom.  How they wanted to place me in a foster home but would have to counsel my parents, too.  It never happened and she said how it probably wouldn’t have – there was no abuse.  How they went to 6 different therapists and wore out all the systems.  And how manipulative my Mom was and how her father used her to do that, too.  She said it’s generational.  So I asked about me being manipulative.  That I try to have my Mom’s good qualities but not at all the bad qualities.  I go far away from that.  She got into talking about when she started chemo and my unwillingness to do things different and work for something different.  She said about my rage I can get into and something about how I acted, and it came out, at night.  Not sure if that was rage or just being really upset.  That whole thing really upset me but I didn’t say much – just listened.  What I really wanted to tell her is that’s how I was coping with things at the time and it was working and then she wanted to take it away.  I didn’t want to start anything.  No – I don’t like conflicts.  This whole thing makes me want to cry now.  That whole phone call thing.  The whole thing!  And, yes, now once in a great while I call.  I’m hoping she doesn’t mind.  It’s not often at all.  She never says but then again, she never said that whole time before chemo either.  So I really don’t know.  I don’t like that because I like to know where I stand or what is ok or not ok.    I feel so sad!  I feel so bad about myself!  I don’t see it as manipulative at all.  I see it as fulfilling a strong need and then having it taken away abruptly and having to deal with that.  Something that meant so much to me.  And the rage thing.  I’m not a rage type person.  I was just really, really upset and hurt.  She said when I bring my husband in I can ask him if I’m manipulative.  I think she thinks I am, in some ways, but I think people just try to get what’s best for themselves (I did say this last part only to her).   She said how this has come full circle because it’s the same agency my parents went to, and wore out, that has asked me to volunteer.  I said I hope all those records are destroyed.  She said how now I’m coming back in a good way – a great way.  I said how it’s like my granddaughter being at the place that has all those tributes in memory of my best friend.  Things are strange like that.  She also said how it’s so strange that my parents were so devouring and I have this fear of vomiting because it’s just the opposite.  I’m not sure – something to explore when we talk about that again.  We went over our hour time ten minutes.  She mentioned about the massage therapist waiting for me.  She could tell I was getting into that feeling bad “mode” I get into and it’s hard for me to get out of.  She commented how I came in in a good, happy mood.  She told me how courageous I was to listen to all of that, how hard it was.  How it’s not shameful and I shouldn’t feel bad for it.  It’s how I dealt with things as a child and did so very well.  Some things I just don’t remember.  That’s why I wish at times I had a tape recorder or at least notes.    So I left and went into my massage therapist apologizing for being a little late.  In fact she saw me in the waiting room before I even went into my therapist, a little confused about the time.  She said that it was OK about the lateness.  I tried to talk like usual but I know I was quieter than usual.  I tried to get into the massage and at the same time, concentrate on making sure I didn’t go to the bathroom which took away from it a little but it worked.  I don’t know if she noticed my quietness or not.  Maybe she thought I was just able to relax and enjoy more.    She just finished and my cell rang.  “Someone sure wants you,” my massage therapist commented.  I went over to answer and I saw it was my therapist calling from her office – just down the hall.  She told me who she was and she was just going to leave me a me a message.  She knows I’m with the massage therapist and she’ll hang up, call back and I won’t answer.  I didn’t say much but “OK” once or twice.  So my cell rang again and I just told my massage therapist they’ll leave a message, putting my purse away on the floor with my cell in it.    I wrote out my check for her and got up to leave.  She caught me leaving to give me an envelope that was stuck underneath the doorway, on the floor.  Something my therapist must have wanted me to have she told me.  I was surprised, took it and left.  I went down the hall to the bathroom before I left.  I read it while walking down and listened to her message after I had pulled away.  Wow!  All I can say is how nice that was!  She knew how hard the session was to hear those things.  I’m not sure which came first the note or the phone call.  I’m thinking the note did and she followed through with the phone call in case I didn’t see or missed the note in which I almost did.    Here’s what the note said:  Dear (My Name)  Today you showed a great deal of courage to listen to the difficult evaluation of your early life.  It is important now to stay in the present and to appreciate all your accomplishments and your blessings.    It is especially remarkable how the grandchildren respond to your warmth, love and support.  You seem to know just the right way to reach them.  Your warmth and fun loving nature is infectious and others are drawn to you.  Allow yourself to stay in this place and remember all you touch daily in a positive way.  (Her Name)  The phone call was basically the same but she explained at the beginning that she thought I might have a hard time after today’s session and something I can listen to if I like.  She said I’m a good person, even though I had a difficult childhood, I’m a good person now and I’ve survived.  I’ve mastered a lot of things in my life and I’m very capable now.  Any parts of that we need to work on we’ll get to it a little bit at a time when I’m ready.  I have so much to be greatfull for and so many blessings in my life.  Go about the weekend and set this aside as work I’ll get back to but enjoy my weekend and she’ll see me Monday.    So very nice of her to do those things!!  She’s right – I can get into that “mode” and when I do it’s so hard to get out of it.  And I feel so badly about myself when I do.  I will try my very hardest to forget the whole thing and all my feelings about it (there are lots of feelings about it) and just go on and have a nice weekend.  The note and the phone call is so much appreciated and makes me feel so lucky, like I’ve said before, to have her as my therapist.  Just knowing I can listen to that message or read that note makes me feel better already.  And the most important part is to know she cares because sometimes I feel like no one cares!  So very nice and it makes me feel more at peace with everything!