WOW, now I know why I ran into that door...
HUGE GROWTH this past weekend... well, at least the beginnings of it...
For the past 2 days, thoughts that kept saying "go visit Jack" were haunting me. Jack is our 88 year old friend who was our next door neighbor when we moved out there. He was the classic hermit. His house rivaled that of Hoarders and he never wanted me to come visit because of it. About 5 years ago, Jack began to show signs of dementia, and he was causing damage to other people's property and getting lost. In fact, as things came to a head, he called us one day and told us that on his way home he took a wrong turn and ended up in Sheridan, Wyoming. Sheridan, Wyoming is about 6 hours away! When the accidents began to happen and then a hospital incident a few days later, Jack had listed us as Power of Attorney and with the doctors we got him into nursing care. We were so clueless; we couldn't get help from anyone because a neighbor interfered and told the people we needed help from that we were just trying to get his money... despite having told them REPEATEDLY that we had Power of Attorney. And talk about a "lost" feeling? Oh yeah, I was feeling VERY lost myself. But it all turned out to be a good thing overall because it allowed us (mainly me) to step aside. The neighbor "thinks" he has control, but he doesn't - everything had been prearranged and after the court hearing where I told the judge to go ahead and give the neighbor "control", all the plans kicked in and there was nothing left to do...
When David and I got divorced, I stopped going to see Jack. It's been 2 years now. I was dreading going... I didn't want to tell Jack that David had died - they were best friends - but I went anyways. I got there and he obviously recognized me, not quite sure of my name though, and I brought chocolates, lol, LOTS of chocolates. All he kept saying was how good I looked. Yep, I'd lost 30 pounds since he last saw me, so I guess to him I do look good. But that's ALL he said. I talked to him for only about 5 minutes because they had woken him up from a nap when I got there and he kept repeating those same words over and over.... and then I left. But I'll be back... I just need to figure out what to say next time (I'm planning next weekend)...
When I left, I was sitting at the stop sign, signal on to go home to the left, and felt so insecure. That 16 year old me was there again... this one feeling lost, unsure about the future, scared? Something told me to go right. So I switched the signal, turned right, went downtown (this is in Belle Fourche, the next town over from where I live).... and I kept going... through town, out of town, past ranches that got less and less, past rangeland that didn't even have grass... There's a rock formation out there... looks like small volcanos, dirt like ash... nothing can grow out there, almost no water whatsoever. The moon is the description that pops into my head....
I kept driving... I found a highway that led to the formation... I couldn't get to it because it was all fenced off... I think it's called Sheep Flats. And if it is the place I ended up at, I wouldn't want to explore it anyways because I heard on the news last week that there's radiation contamination due to uranium mining out there. But it was so unusual, so beautiful...
And I kept going... the sign said I'd reached a turning point for another town... I knew where I was, decided to go to the town and take a turn at the highway that takes me back home. But I missed it. And I could see Bear Butte volcano ahead of me, so I just kept going...
I'm not sure how many miles I went... it was at least 150, maybe more... as I took the interstate home, I stopped over at an RV place, just to see if they had any pop-ups for sale.... The thing I missed the most from the divorce was the camper. And I pulled in, there was a new one. Not a pop up, but an enclosed travel trailer, with shower and toilet, microwave, tv and DVR, AND AFFORDABLE.
So now I have a choice to make... go for it or wait and save that money for the possible business... I'm really hedging toward going for it for it... like it's "calling" me.... calling me to start exploring places, exploring who I am more, exploring those insecurities... I COULD still get it and go for that business...
I got home and removed a snake from my window well. And that's HUGE for me... I have a HORRIBLE fear of snakes. But I did it! I faced my fear, dealt with it (not great - it's still near the house and I have to move it again because it's too sick to move on it's own.) GROWTH. It's about facing fears, facing insecurities, finding our destinies.... I'll keep you posted! LATER!
For the past 2 days, thoughts that kept saying "go visit Jack" were haunting me. Jack is our 88 year old friend who was our next door neighbor when we moved out there. He was the classic hermit. His house rivaled that of Hoarders and he never wanted me to come visit because of it. About 5 years ago, Jack began to show signs of dementia, and he was causing damage to other people's property and getting lost. In fact, as things came to a head, he called us one day and told us that on his way home he took a wrong turn and ended up in Sheridan, Wyoming. Sheridan, Wyoming is about 6 hours away! When the accidents began to happen and then a hospital incident a few days later, Jack had listed us as Power of Attorney and with the doctors we got him into nursing care. We were so clueless; we couldn't get help from anyone because a neighbor interfered and told the people we needed help from that we were just trying to get his money... despite having told them REPEATEDLY that we had Power of Attorney. And talk about a "lost" feeling? Oh yeah, I was feeling VERY lost myself. But it all turned out to be a good thing overall because it allowed us (mainly me) to step aside. The neighbor "thinks" he has control, but he doesn't - everything had been prearranged and after the court hearing where I told the judge to go ahead and give the neighbor "control", all the plans kicked in and there was nothing left to do...
When David and I got divorced, I stopped going to see Jack. It's been 2 years now. I was dreading going... I didn't want to tell Jack that David had died - they were best friends - but I went anyways. I got there and he obviously recognized me, not quite sure of my name though, and I brought chocolates, lol, LOTS of chocolates. All he kept saying was how good I looked. Yep, I'd lost 30 pounds since he last saw me, so I guess to him I do look good. But that's ALL he said. I talked to him for only about 5 minutes because they had woken him up from a nap when I got there and he kept repeating those same words over and over.... and then I left. But I'll be back... I just need to figure out what to say next time (I'm planning next weekend)...
When I left, I was sitting at the stop sign, signal on to go home to the left, and felt so insecure. That 16 year old me was there again... this one feeling lost, unsure about the future, scared? Something told me to go right. So I switched the signal, turned right, went downtown (this is in Belle Fourche, the next town over from where I live).... and I kept going... through town, out of town, past ranches that got less and less, past rangeland that didn't even have grass... There's a rock formation out there... looks like small volcanos, dirt like ash... nothing can grow out there, almost no water whatsoever. The moon is the description that pops into my head....
I kept driving... I found a highway that led to the formation... I couldn't get to it because it was all fenced off... I think it's called Sheep Flats. And if it is the place I ended up at, I wouldn't want to explore it anyways because I heard on the news last week that there's radiation contamination due to uranium mining out there. But it was so unusual, so beautiful...
And I kept going... the sign said I'd reached a turning point for another town... I knew where I was, decided to go to the town and take a turn at the highway that takes me back home. But I missed it. And I could see Bear Butte volcano ahead of me, so I just kept going...
I'm not sure how many miles I went... it was at least 150, maybe more... as I took the interstate home, I stopped over at an RV place, just to see if they had any pop-ups for sale.... The thing I missed the most from the divorce was the camper. And I pulled in, there was a new one. Not a pop up, but an enclosed travel trailer, with shower and toilet, microwave, tv and DVR, AND AFFORDABLE.
So now I have a choice to make... go for it or wait and save that money for the possible business... I'm really hedging toward going for it for it... like it's "calling" me.... calling me to start exploring places, exploring who I am more, exploring those insecurities... I COULD still get it and go for that business...
I got home and removed a snake from my window well. And that's HUGE for me... I have a HORRIBLE fear of snakes. But I did it! I faced my fear, dealt with it (not great - it's still near the house and I have to move it again because it's too sick to move on it's own.) GROWTH. It's about facing fears, facing insecurities, finding our destinies.... I'll keep you posted! LATER!
Replies
You do know if you start that business you might not get to use that camper. You are on a journey and when you quit seeking answers, ideas that will tell you your journey is over.
The second spring I was on this farm I came almost face to face with a huge rattlesnake. The next spring I ran over it with the riding lawnmower. I don\'t see as many snakes on this land as I have in the past. Although I almost stepped on a baby timber rattler last spring. Snakes seem to be in my life. Mostly king snakes but I\'m sure I\'ll see that timber rattler again this year and he will be a bit bigger.
I love your entry. I also think you are getting up close to fears. And although you did kill the snake (kudos!). You are potentially looking towards the camper to RUN.
I may in fact be imposing my own tendencies to run from fear or to feel onto your journal... BUT only get it if you can still raise the funds for the Doggie Day Care OR another dream.
If you can pull that off go for it! Also, don\'t do it to isolate make certain you will be meeting up with others, seeing far flung friends, bringing a good pal(s) along or gasp taking your romantic partner out with you...
you get my drift.
It was nice of you to show love to visit and face your fears to sit bedside. It is hard to look at mortality. It always swings around to make you look at yours.
Goals to not have to be written in blood, but they do tend to get scary.
What a great journal. You are inspiring, i love the way you always look at the positives. Awesome.
I get a kick out of the distances you drive out there, lol. If I drove 150 miles I\'d be 4 states over, lol. and lost.....
Snakes represent healing and change, life changes you know. Maybe the snake is tied to the camper....maybe the camper is somehow tied to your healing and some life change you will be making. Could be a signpost.
big hugs....xoxo