WOW. Look at the doors that are opening!!!

 
Changes are happening and I don't know if I'm ready. Do I need to be ready?
 
I'm SEEING things.... things about people, things about my behavior, things about the future, facts, reality.
 
 
I'm going to talk about my past a bit – just so you understand what's happening.
 
 
I had a very manipulative and abusive mother. She would go through extreme mood swings, become violent unexpectedly, enjoyed getting even. She would hold grudges for long periods of time, and I would always be the one who made things better by bringing up a subject that interested her, made her feel good. As I became a teenager, I knew what certain words she said meant.... what to expect when she said them, the subtle threats, and how to get out of the way when the violence was coming.... And through the years of manipulation, I stopped trusting myself – instead always wanted her opinion before doing anything – even if it hurt others around me – just to please her.
 
 When I turned 16 and was becoming more exposed to the real world, I began to see the warped world I lived in, to see the lies coming through. I began to stand up for myself. One day, my 17th birthday to be exact, I disagreed with my mother on something. It was just a simple difference of opinion.... and she lost it. She began beating me, pounding me on my back with her fists. But something within ME had changed.... it didn't hurt anymore.... it didn't matter anymore. And I just stood there as she pounded on me – until I realized how sorry I was for her. Tears of pity began to fall and when she saw them, she stopped – those tears appalled her and she never hit me again and she stopped beating on my sisters as well.  I moved out that summer.
 
 
That was also the year I met my husband. He told me he had wanted to ask me out before, but that my behavior (similar to my mother's) turned him off. But that year, he noticed the change in me, wanted to get to know me....
 
 Years later, after we married and had our son, things began to change. Subtle little things... like he would complain about my family – so I didn't call them as much. Things would be missing and he would tell me it was my memory. And I, of course, believed him. After all, why should I question him? Over time, the little things got bigger and I became more and more isolated.  
 
 
But once we were separated, the lies became more clear.    It wasn't my memory - He'd stolen money to buy booze... stolen my water bottles so he could fill them with alcohol and hide them around the house. The “memory” thing was just so he could HIDE what HE was doing... Gees. Another manipulator, and I let it happen.
 
 
But now that I'm on my own, I'm discovering ME. My memory isn't the problem.... I REMEMBER THINGS. I have money where I leave it. I have my stuff where I've put it. WOW. After all these years.... WOW....
 
And since the divorce, I've gotten back in touch again with friends and family after years of isolating myself. But, there's a wall. One of my own making? Perhaps. Because I SEE THINGS now. I SEE how my mother – who I sent a note to apologizing for something I did – still hasn't forgiven me after 20 years and still hasn't apologized for the thing SHE did that almost destroyed everything I had back then (don't worry – I forgave her for it 15 years ago, an apology is no longer necessary, and I don't care if she forgives me or not)...
 
And there's more.... I SEE how all my sisters focus on meeting a “man to take care of them” instead of finding ways to take care of themselves – to the point that one of my sisters wound up with a con man for her 2nd marriage and she's now losing everything she has. And while she's in the middle of divorce #2, there's already another man in the picture – a good one, but she still has NO IDEA on how to take care of herself....
 
 And I SEE how my father is an alcoholic too – I didn't know that until this past summer when I visited. He never drank in front of me, but the BEHAVIOR is there, physical signs are there, have been for a long, long time, and I SEE it now. And I SEE how it's been slowly destroying my stepmother – high blood pressure, a major heart condition – and yet she's just like I was and thinks everything is fine while at the same time she's so stressed she could explode at any moment...
 
 
And I SEE how a friend is heading for trouble too as she and her military husband are so rigid in their opinions of how life should be that they're already putting restrictions on their relationship and they've only been married a year. And I SEE how it is seeping into other areas of her life... she's begun backstabbing people... begun expecting the same rigid behavior out of others... and I SEE their differences that are just being ignored right now but will soon come to hit them and I SEE the stress this is causing her as she ignores it...
 
And I even SEE friends, about to get married, who look at me with a longing as they tell me that they LOVED being single....
 
 
 
And so, at the end of the day as I close my door to the outside world, it's just me and my dogs and cats... and I think about discovering who I am, my values, what I want to become. Just SEEING ME.  And OMG!  I SEE ME!   I SEE that I can BE THERE for my sisters and stepmother and friends that are probably going to need support again in the future when their time comes - because I can also SEE that they have to see it for themselves just like I did.   And I SEE that I can have fun exploring new things, like taking a cooking class so that whatever I cook will actually be edible, lol!  And I SEE that I can go exploring... I actually went and checked out a travel trailer yesterday!   And I SEE that I can join people with the hiking group who started talking yesterday about doing overnight hikes!    And I SEE that I CAN get fit and healthy FOR ME this year - I already know how to do it, and started TODAY!   And I SEE that I can check into classes to get a license so I can begin a career that I've been thinking about for years!   And I SEE that when I dwell on my old illusions of my marriage that I ignore the GLORIOUS open door on the other side of the "room"!  And I SEE that I'm only limited by the limits that I give myself!
 
Now why was I self-medicating with food over the holidays?   Oh never mind.