Wow, I'm really writing more!

I was looking at my entries and I hadn't been writing much. Probably, too, because I go on major posting spurts and stuff and sometimes, I almost forget this area is here. Was thinking I want to add some pictures and such ... it has always frustrated me that we cannot sort of "decorate" our page a little more creatively or, in posting, add pictures or smileys at times. Funny how easy it is to forget how "advanced" this actually is ... here and on other sites, I have been making acquaintances and even building some relationships ... as well as learning a wealth of information ... finding the world is often a much different place than I thought or "as it is advertised". Sometimes, I feel a bit sad about that. I can still remember being 11 years old and swinging on the sets at the grade school across from my grandparents' - it was  the Bicentennial, so there was a great deal of hoopla on that and patriotic themes ... I just remember thinking about the fact that "we" (the world, I guess) have problems ... but feeling it would be alright, because "people care". And in one sense, I think that "it will be alright" and partially, for that very reason ... people care. But I guess the hard truth I have been coming to grips with is that not many people (as I believed) care enough, or care about what they SAY they do or "care" in the right way, as a virtue of their office, authority or vocation.
I remember, too, as I went through my teenage years and beyond, coming to eventually believe (for a time) that I was a defect, a nasty or "dirty little secret", mostly because of things that happened to me and I certainly did not choose. Or our family "falling apart" and then, life itself in a way, after we moved to California ... it was weird to step off an airplane and land straight into being a homeless teen in a strange place ... but sometimes of course, children bear the brunt of parents' frustrations and anger at the way life has turned out ... or hasn't. And I don't feel bad about myself anymore, although I sometimes certainly wish I'd come to this knowledge and such, definitely before having children. But as I tell them and try to keep in good practice, if we screw up today, whether through ignorance or deliberate bad decision making, etc ... we can get up that next day and do as much as we are capable of being our best self ... that keeps me somewhat buoyed up, despite some of the hard circumstances.
(I wrote this as comment on previous entry, but like it and want to add it here as it also fits.) Wow! I don't feel very strong ... I thought this (whole ordeal of 2+ years, now) would go a lot easier and smoother. Guess I hadn't reckoned on the incredible destructive stubbornness of pathopsychology. So I guess it's not only a learning experience (and for some reason, I occasionally feel like it's a graduate class in "something") but I think it is actually an experience that develops and may either destroy or strengthen one's faith, in whatever beliefs a person holds ... sort of a crucible. And as such, I am sure the dross contained in our experiences (attitudes) and beliefs is separated from the valuable substance ... or can be, if we are not destroyed in the process :-).
So yes, I am seeing a lot of things, people, institutions I used to "believe" in sort of crumble into nothing or, like L. Frank Baum wrote when the "Great and Terrible Oz" was revealed ... as a "humbug". I have absolutely NO idea how I am going to handle some of the added stresses and problems most lately dumped on me. Sometimes, too I seem to have what seem like feasible or at least, positive and productive ideas, but often a mini-crisis hits, I get off track and lose my flow, my belief in the idea or thought or both, I suppose. But I "should" know better than to go with feelings ... it's just not a super easy process at times. Recognizing lately that I probably AM suffering from "burnout" and need to find coping and healing techniques/strategies for that and still maintain some focus on prioritizing the most important needs for progress and getting there. I think I have decided that is to get my car reliable and THAT is what I am choosing to focus on, aside from health and daughters. Once I get there, income, networking, even attending more activities or going to a "live" support group become reasonable options and will free me somewhat from the increasing anxieties and feelings of being in prison or hostage. Guess it's been hard, because I AM so resourceful that I have eked everything I can from possibilities and I will have to scrounge in thought, etc ... maybe get suggestions from others (!!!! good thought) about avenues that might be obvious to them, just not in my mental (visual) field. I am going to check, though with the churches right around here and see if I can locate someone willing to donate a couple hours to helping me ... as I can do much of the work, if I have the tools and parts, but it is often very slow going because of my inexperience and I am sure, mistakes and such. Plus some diagnostic skills ... I still have a LONG way to go in that area; not ashamed to admit ignorance, but a skilled and experienced set of ears and eyes would be a Godsend. So I am going to start there and see what develops. Plus I will post to a couple local pages and my FB ... someone may be able to help or know of someone who can and will!!