Wow I Had A Lot To Talk About Almost 2 Weeks Worth

Wow, I had a lot to talk about today.  It was almost 2 weeks worth.  I wrote things down on a piece of paper to share with her and wrote real tiny because I didn’t know what was going to happen during that time.  I never know what my week(s) are going to be like.  When I first came in she said welcome back.  I said, “Welcome YOU, back.”  She laughed because she must have gotten confused for the moment with who was gone.  Maybe because she was used to saying that to me with my 3 trips this spring and summer.  Or, maybe her mind was on something else.  She said her trip/cruise was very nice.  They all got along (it was her, her 2 sisters and her step-mom).  I asked her if they paired off like we did in twos.  She said not so much they did a lot all together or maybe 3’s.  She liked having her own room and had an outside cabin so she got to see the ocean.  I said I would have liked the privacy (she nodded yes like she knew why) but I think I would have been lonely.  She saw her son in Belize and they got to see some Mayan ruins and he went with them.  She also saw someone’s house in Key West.  I’m so glad she got to see her son – like the bonus of the trip.  I asked her if she wanted to stay or was glad to come back to the routine.  She said it was very nice but it was enough and alluded she was glad to come home.  I asked her if she’d go again.  She said only as a big, huge family thing.  She had fun but a cruise is not her favorite thing to do.  No one got seasick.  It was hot but fairly comfortable on the boat, the rooms were air conditioned.  She went shopping too.    So I got out my paper of what I did all week.  I pretty much went day by day.  I started with the move last Thursday, Friday & Saturday.  My daughter’s boyfriend thought it would be so easy and it took 3 days.  I not only babysat but helped pack, load the car, unload and such.  She commented that I like doing that.  Yes.  I’m glad it was that week and not the week before when I had the diverticulitis.  I wouldn’t have been able to do as much.  She asked me how that is.  Better.  Once in a while I get a pain and worry, I’m off the anti-biotics and am still taking the pro-biotics not to get C-Diff.    I told her how much commotion the move was.  My daughter having to go to my grandson’s school and her ex showing up with his wife in a belly shirt.  Some commotion and she had to wait in the principal’s office until they left.  Her couch she has an attachment to (bought it and the matching chair with her hard working money in Texas while he didn’t work) wouldn’t fit in the apartment.  It’s at my house now.  So I had to console her and console my grandson because my daughter’s boyfriend made him really upset.  And, my granddaughter following me around everywhere.  I told her, as always, her messages are so good and the letters.  I listened or read anytime I needed to.  In the letter she said to hug and grandchild and boy did I do that!  And, I didn’t have to call her one time!  That was good but nothing really “bad” happened during the week – thank goodness.  And my other son helping out last minute and I could tell he wasn’t happy in his good work clothes and all and at the last minute because my husband had to stay home and do work stuff.    I told her a funny story about my granddaughter on Friday night, after the babysitters, told me she wet her pants there earlier that day.  Her pants got wet, her socks got wet.  I just matter-of-factly told her, “That’s OK.  It sometimes happens.”  She looks up at me and said, “You know what, Nana?  Sometimes it happens to grown-ups.  Did you know that?”  I just laughed.  She laughed and thought that was great.  She wondered who told her that.  I said maybe the babysitter did so she didn’t feel bad about it.  But – do I know that?  That’s too funny.    Then another funny story about in the new apartment (1 bathroom now and the other had 2).  I was helping getting a load from the car.  I needed to go to the bathroom but I thought I’d do that load and then go.  Anyway, I saw my granddaughter going into the bathroom.  So I got the load, came in and told my daughter I hope she’s out because I need to go.  Well, she was pooping!  So I went in there to let her know I needed to go to try to hurry her up.  Then I came back and set on the arm of the chair next to my daughter, really needed to go.  So I went back in again and she was flushing the toilet but saying it’s stopped up and the water was coming higher.  Great!  My daughter knew how badly I had to go and told me to just go.  So I did – with the water up high and the poop in it.  And my granddaughter was still in there washing her hands.  It was one of those ‘I had to do’s’ thing.  She agreed.  Only things like this happen to me!  During this move my son who lives so far away called that he wanted his medical records now and had to go real fast and hung up.  I tried to tell him to call himself but no.  So I took my time during the week end and got them copied and sent them to him.  Later I called him up and asked why he needed them?  When I figured he wouldn’t answer I answered for him.  For medical marijuana.  He laughed.  I told him I figure things out.  He can’t pull the wool over my eyes.  Anyway, I teach my kids not to lie.  She asked if he could get that if things are in his records.  I said a broken hand, a broken foot (but he didn’t go to the doctor) and he has asthma real bad.  She laughed and asked if smoking was good for that?  I said I told him I might not agree but at least he’s protecting himself.  He told me to come out there and get it for my diverticulitis pain.    I also told him about the anniversary and birthdays this weekend.  At least call his nephew up and wish him a happy birthday.  He’s love to hear from him.  When he didn’t I tried to call.  He did call back but I didn’t hear it – my phone was in the bedroom.  I tried a couple more times, my daughter’s boyfriend did once.  But he didn’t answer.  I feel like I’m always trying to rescue my son.  And my grandson from my daughter’s boyfriend, too.    I talked about the baseball game we went to on Sunday.  I was in 7th heaven.  I tried like she says to imagine people who are no long with us, to imagine them being there.  My son is so much like my Dad loving baseball.  They would have had so much fun together.  It’s like my son is carrying my Dad’s legacy.  So I started to feel like my Dad was there with us but that only made me want to cry so I stopped.  But my son, for the first time, kept score the whole game just like my Dad used to do.  So maybe he was there!  She asked if I tell my son about my Dad like this.  Yes.  She said it’s good to carrying it on telling stories about him. Also, I talked mostly to my son and not my husband because he just doesn’t talk much.  It’s still the same.  He will if I say something but back to his old habits.  I know I can’t change him but I wish things were different.  I told her I was not worried about the bathrooms at the baseball game until we got there and I saw lines.  Then I got scared.  Every time I went I went when I didn’t need to.  And, I didn’t drink anything because I was too scared to.  When I was in line one time there was a girl in there in her late 20’s maybe.  She was moving around, dancing around like I do.  She said she’s like a little kids and waits to the last minute.  But no one – no one – offered for her to go in front of them.  I said that people aren’t always as nice as you think.  It was like she had to wait in line like everyone else was doing.    She said that’s when I would have to be more assertive and speak up and not be so polite about it.  She told her story about her husband’s story he tells about almost missing his plane and running to the front of the line in customs.  No one liked it but he had to do what he had to do.  He would have had to spend the night at the airport if he missed his flight.  I told her I have.  I’ve “butted” in line before and such.  I also said maybe she didn’t have to go as badly as I do sometimes.  I don’t think she was moving around as much as I do but I don’t know.  She did make it OK.  She said people might have understood it if it was me and I was about to have an accident.  Or, have one I added.  That would not be good.  My son had 2 beers and did have to go before we left.  Lots of lines and I was so glad that I didn’t need to because I had just gone.  The guys was a lot short than the girls.  I encouraged him to go because I know what that’s like.  It did take us a long time to get home.  I don’t know if he would have made it or not but I even commented, “Aren’t you glad you went?” when we got home.  I just can feel for people being in that position.    I also talked to a Mennonite young married girl who sat next to us.  She was really nice and it turns out her little niece’s grandmother is one of the cooks in her home in the town that we are going to visit soon.  She was so nice and friendly and even gave me names.  She explained how every sect is different with cars, electricity and such.  So did the man I’ve been talking to trying to arrange all this.  But there is a complication and I told her I’d talk about the whole thing later on.  The only thing that happened Monday was going shopping with my daughter for birthday presents and that was fun.  Now … Tuesday.  I came there.  I came on Tuesday for the healing energy massage and back Wednesday for the 30 minute table massage.  She asked if it was clothes or unclothed.  The healing one was clothed but unclothed for the other.  I kept my bra and underwear on – I had to do that.    I told her we talked for half and hour first.  I had to fill out this medical thing.  I did mention very briefly about the bladder thing (very briefly) but she really focused pretty much on the digestive thing.  One of the reasons I had trouble drinking very much when I had the diverticulitis was because I has trouble swallowing.  So she said that with the digestive thing it all stems from childhood – not getting enough of something.  I told her nothing about my childhood.  She said it’s interesting she would say that not knowing anything.  I didn’t share much with her.  So I had asked her to let me know when it’s half way though so I can get up and go to the bathroom.  She was fine with that.  Since we talked ½ hour she asked me if I wanted to go now – first.  Sure.  I wasn’t going to turn that down with her offering.  So I did and came back.  I asked her if it was OK to use my IPod.  She wondered why because she has music and asked if it was active with words.  Yes, words so I can use it as a distraction (not to think about things).  But not really active – well some – but mostly spiritual music for me.  She asked me why I needed it and kind of pushed a little.  I told her I didn’t want to talk about it and then she backed off.  My therapist nodded like she understood and glad she did that.  The massage therapist asked me if it was a fear and I just said one fear.  She asked me if I heard voices – maybe to drown them out.  No – I don’t hear voices (I chuckled) – just as a distraction.    So she did asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom during.  I did.  I felt more relieved that I didn’t have to worry about it.  My music on this album had just stopped and I was just starting to think again.  But during I kept telling myself not to fall asleep.  It’s very relaxing and I can see how people can do that.  I also kept opening my eyes every couple minutes not to fall asleep.  After she asked me how it was.  I said relaxing.  She asked me if I felt safe – yes I did.  My therapist asked me if she ‘found’ anything and told me anything.  No – most of what we talked about was at the beginning.    So the next day I came back for my regular massage.  She asked me at first if I wanted her to let me know to go to the bathroom during.  Sure!  I told my therapist as long as she was asking because I wouldn’t have.  I don’t like to call attention to it and would have just tried to make it through the half hour.  So when I did, I grabbed the robe, went and came back.  This time she didn’t say anything about the IPod.  But I had to concentrate the whole time to just hold on tight and to think about that – no one has to do that!   She asked me if I had to hold tight because I was going to need to go or scared I was.  I said both.  Scared I was going to need to go and then having to go or just not paying attention and going.  She knows how badly I want this out of my life and so I don’t think about it all the time.  I hate thinking about it all the time.  She said she knows how tired I am of it ruling my life.  Yes.    I was going to tell her something but stopped myself saying that.  She seemed fine with me not saying it.  I guess I don’t have to share everything.  But sometimes it’s best to get the best picture.  I was going to tell her sometimes I pee a little even when not having to go to the bathroom – just not paying attention I guess.  I wanted to ask her if this happens to people – is it normal.  But I chickened out.  I think she thinks I’m making a big deal about having an accident during a massage but I don’t think she quite understands what happens sometimes.  But I don’t want to make a big deal out of it either.  But, it’s still there!  I said how I haven’t been very good lately with things (alluded to waiting and drinking more).  How I didn’t on my Mexico trip and then when I got the diverticulitis I didn’t try anything at all.  I’m starting to try again.  I told her how next time, maybe Thursday, we can go walking again or go next door so I can practice not escalating it again.  I need to not do that.  She shook her head yes.    Between talking about the move and the massage therapy I needed to go to the bathroom.  I think it was about ½ hour into the session.  She asked me if I wanted her to watch the clock for me.  Yes.  So I continued talking about the move, soon winced and said, “I really need to go.”  She asked me if I wanted to, to be able to concentrate on things.  “No, it hasn’t been that long, has it?”  “No,” she replied.  I told her I wanted to finish the story, tried to get back on track, did and then told her I better go and did.  I came back, sat down, with a “Whew,” like that was close.  She knew what I meant without saying it.    I didn’t say but boy am I out of practice.  I need to try harder and I’m a little afraid to go walking on Thursday with her.  But I have to tell myself if I have an accident, it’s OK, I’m with her and it’s certainly not the first she’s seen and it’ll be OK – I’m not a bad person for it if it happens.  I know when we do these exposures I have that chance of having an accident but I have such a strong drive to get over this problem with such determination and try my best that I do them.  I just have to ignore the accidents and practice what to do when they happen for “real life” situations.  And, have my successes, too with no accidents!  I also told her I had an article I printed that I got from one of my internet things.  Someone found it and sent it along.  I think it’s from an Australian doctor because the video sounds like it, too.  We didn’t have time to read it today.  I told her I’d bring it back next time.  She’s interested to see what it says.  I glanced at it – looked for a one sentence summary but couldn’t see it.  I summarized it in my own sentence telling her it basically says that incontinence is caused by going to the bathroom preventatively.  “But I have to!” I exclaimed and said I’ll bring it back with me for next time.   For Thursday I told her my old mailman, who I’ve been friendly with, came to just say hi.  They changed his route.  So we talked 15-20 minutes.  I thought that was very nice.  And, my grandson made a family tree and I’m one of his parents!  His Mom, her boyfriend, his dad and Me!  Not his Dad’s wife.  He says she’s not his Mom.  She asked me how I feel about that.  Very nice.  Yeah.  He has a family of 10 which also includes Papa and his uncle that lives here.  Not the other uncle I guess because it’s been so long he’s seen him.  But my granddaughter always says how much we miss him and want him to come back.  She’s something else!  Thursday I had to call everyone up for our Amish trip but I’ll talk about that later.  This weekend is another event though but we’ll talk about that next time.  “Here we go again” I said like having to continually deal with my problem.  And Friday was when I had a nice conversation with my son so far away.  He now has a 1990 Toyota truck he traded for his car that didn’t work and his scooter.  He took it into the desert and it blew a tire!  Only him!  He said there is no air where he works – just fans and it’s very, very hot there.  He takes a 32 oz cup and refills it 8,9,10 times during his shift.  She asked what he’s drinking.  Water and soda, probably a little too much soda.  I asked diet or regular.  He went off on his negativism on diet sodas and I asked him if he’s still skinny.  Yes, probably more now.  He’s 6’2” and 145 pounds.  But I want so badly to put my arm around his tall lanky body.  I miss him so much!  I started almost crying so I stopped talking about it.    Saturday was our anniversary.  We didn’t do much – went out to dinner and the next day to a movie.  We saw “Taking Woodstock.”  She hasn’t seen it.  I told her I had trouble in parts.  Very much into the 1960’s like when we grew up with the furnishings, clothes and such.  And cultural which I liked but didn’t like the way they portrayed some things.  The Mom had glasses (a little wider) just like my Grandma did!  When he was packing up to leave he didn’t say where he was going but if he would have said where my son is I would have lost it – totally lost it.  And just like clockwork – exactly at 4 weeks – without taking the pill now, I got my period.  Damn it!  It was like when I was pregnant 4 times.  3 times I got pregnant the first month.  It took 3 months, which seemed like an eternity and it really wasn’t, the last time.  When I’d go into the bathroom and see I got my period – same thing – damn it!  I want to be done with menopause.  Everyone I know is.  My periods are heavier, crampier, bloodier and such.  My Mom was done at 48.  She said she guesses I’m not in menopause since I’m still getting periods and says it takes several years.  Do I want to rush this?  I told her I just want it over with.  I’m too old.  I’ve been getting periods for 41 years now.  She said maybe that’s why I’m so youthful looking still.  I said I could even still get pregnant.  She told me that was unlikely.  Yeah.  So I told her the first day I had a tampon it but I don’t like to sleep with them.  So I didn’t know what would happen through the night.  If I’d wake up wondering if I’m peeing or bleeding.  I found this thin pad, not like the little ones I wear.  But it was wide and long.  I put it on and my husband says, “That looks like a diaper!”  I laughed like he should only know (didn’t say that to her but implied it).  So I couldn’t wear it.  I took it off and put it on right before I went to sleep.    Yesterday – Monday we celebrated the 2 birthdays it was very nice.  I think my daughter’s boyfriend teases my grandson way too much.  He kept saying he’s getting SpongeBob and knows he’s now into Backugon.  And my granddaughter with all her hugs, I missed you Nana when I was at my Mom’s, I love you so much Nana and following me around everywhere.  Once she talked about following me around so much.  I told her, not to make her feel bad about it, “That’s because you love me so much and I love you.”  She had the biggest grin on her face.  She played once for 15 minutes and I didn’t want to talk to her or go over to her at all for a little break.  The 2 kids played really well, too.  We talked a little about her neediness and reassurance we won’t go away forever.  I related again how we need to explore that with me since I had a similar situation when I was away from my parents.  I told her how I love all the love but … well, we didn’t really say.  She said how everything ties in together with me and it’s interesting I have a granddaughter like that.  And my feelings of abandonment.  So we got into talking a little about how I managed the week while she was gone.  I told her how busy I stayed.  The move, setting up for my garage sale, the birthdays, lots of work.  If I wouldn’t have stayed busy it would have been much harder.  It still was like … OK it’s whatever day … when it she coming back?  I also told her if I wouldn’t have been able to stay busy she would have gotten phone calls!  She chuckled.  She was so glad I did the energy thing and massage.  I did manage to squeeze in talking about our Amish trip.  How Thursday I had to call everyone up and tell them.  They acted OK from what happened before.  But we may not have enough people and I wanted one friend’s sister and brother-in-law to go but I thought I’d call the sister friend up first and she said absolutely not.  I asked why and when she didn’t exactly say I stated it.  Because she wants to do separate things.  Yeah – sometimes.  She said in a sarcastic way she knew she’d ask her that.  But, after we hung up, she went behind my back and called another friend’s husband (the wife wasn’t home) like this in-cahoots thing that’s been happening.  And the complication is if my garage sale gets rained out she may want to reschedule for that date!  It’s complicated to have a garage sale in my community with permits, signatures and this lady giving it does all that.  So it’s still unresolved.  I asked her to do a little no-rain dance for me.   I was leaving and I asked her if my daughter’s boyfriend called her about tomorrow.  To re-schedule she wanted to know.  No, to change to 6 PM instead of 5 PM.  I told her I was discouraging that because I know she wants to get home.  She said she probably couldn’t do it later tomorrow.  She’s working until 7 PM tonight.  I told her if it’s later or not – just as long as they tell me when to be here.   I went to my massage therapist after for my 10 minute chair massage.  She was setting up the chair so I told her I was going to go to the bathroom first.  I did.  She just got back from her trip and I knew she was going to talk a while so I thought I better go first.  I actually saw her in the waiting room, she was coming in, before I saw my therapist.  We were talking a little and then my therapist called me in.  So we continued and yes – she talked a while about it.  She went to all but 1 place on my list for her.  She went other places and had a really fun time.    When I was leaving the other massage therapist (the one I did the healing energy one with last week) was sitting out in the waiting area.  I told her she looks displaced.  We talked a couple minutes and then I left.