Wow, I can't believe you said that.
Last night was interesting, what started out as a conversation ended up in a lengthy somewhat intense discussion/argument. Thankfully there wasn't really any yelling but we were at a point that we kept going over the same thing in what seemed like different languages.
One of my biggest frustrations is that my H has a way at times to listen to what I'm saying and offer some comfort to me and then in the next breathe turn it around to make it about him. As I'm writing this I'm wondering if that is because he doesn't want to focus on his part of the A and the pain his actions caused to others.
What I found out last night is that my H believes that I had a part in the A, not that I made him do it but that I'm partially to blame for him having an A because if I did my part in our marriage then he wouldn't have been in that position. Tell me, am I off base or is that bullshit. Granted our marriage wasn't perfect but I didn't go out and have an A because things weren't great. I went to him during that time and talked about our problems and he didn't listen or he'd tell me that everything was fine (because he didn't want to deal with it). We were BOTH responsible for not making the changes in our marriage that it needed. In the heat of the moment he actually had the nerve to say something to the effect that if I was more of a wife then he wouldn't have had an A. That pushed me over the edge and I really let him have it and I'm still pissed for me but I'm really sad for him because if he really believes that then I think he's missing something. I know I'm not perfect and I made my mistakes but I really did go to him, he just wasn't ready to listen and I gave up trying to make him see the problems. I don't feel bad for not trying and I resent that he would say or imply that I didn't do enough. I do feel bad that I eventually gave up trying and that's something that I have to live with.
I thought we were in a better place but when you have moments like this it makes you wonder how far have we really come. Is this just another step in the rebuilding process or are we just fooling ourselves.
One of my biggest frustrations is that my H has a way at times to listen to what I'm saying and offer some comfort to me and then in the next breathe turn it around to make it about him. As I'm writing this I'm wondering if that is because he doesn't want to focus on his part of the A and the pain his actions caused to others.
What I found out last night is that my H believes that I had a part in the A, not that I made him do it but that I'm partially to blame for him having an A because if I did my part in our marriage then he wouldn't have been in that position. Tell me, am I off base or is that bullshit. Granted our marriage wasn't perfect but I didn't go out and have an A because things weren't great. I went to him during that time and talked about our problems and he didn't listen or he'd tell me that everything was fine (because he didn't want to deal with it). We were BOTH responsible for not making the changes in our marriage that it needed. In the heat of the moment he actually had the nerve to say something to the effect that if I was more of a wife then he wouldn't have had an A. That pushed me over the edge and I really let him have it and I'm still pissed for me but I'm really sad for him because if he really believes that then I think he's missing something. I know I'm not perfect and I made my mistakes but I really did go to him, he just wasn't ready to listen and I gave up trying to make him see the problems. I don't feel bad for not trying and I resent that he would say or imply that I didn't do enough. I do feel bad that I eventually gave up trying and that's something that I have to live with.
I thought we were in a better place but when you have moments like this it makes you wonder how far have we really come. Is this just another step in the rebuilding process or are we just fooling ourselves.
Replies
Oh, I can relate Cec:
Now remember, I cheated. But yes, he has a point-it takes 2 to tear the marriage down. No one person at fault in particular EXCEPT, obviously, he chose to tuck and run and cheat instead of standing up and fixing things. By the time you wanted to talk, he was already crossing that line in his head and was uninterested in talking about things.
It\'s a process and every couple trying to get through infidelity goes through it. I knew Dave and I had problems. At the time I felt hopeless and had given up in trying to figure them out so I did something reckless and stupid. THAT was my fault, but yes, Dave had a part in it too.
OK, hear me now and say it with me....YOu may have contributed to your marital issues, but it was HIS CHOICE TO CHEAT!!!!! It is 100% HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS!!!!!! Do not let him blame shift like that. All CS try to blame shift to a degree. E tried to blame me for his A by saying that I was a bitch all the time. Guess what though, that was in the beginning. He takes 100% of the responsibility for what he did now. He knows he was selfish and he was just trying to get the ego boost because he knew he blew it as a husband and father. It was very hard for him to finally accept/admit that to me, but he did admit it.
It is part of the process, but your H needs to accept that he made a disgusting choice all on his own. He obviously cannot accept that part of himself and wants to give you half the blame so he can \"know\" that he\'s \"not that bad.\" Well, he has to accept that he is capable of being \"that bad\" and own his shit! He clearly has more work to do. I\'m so sorry cec. This doesn\'t mean he\'ll never get it, but it does mean that he has not yet really gotten it!
Blameshifting at it\'s best.
There was a moment where he had a choice, turn to you and say \"we need to work on this\" or cheat. One choice was right, one was wrong and he knew that and he chose wrong anyway. ALL ON HIM.
If there was a \"like\" button, I\'d \"like\" what lotus said!
I could\'ve written this entry. Ugh. Maybe our h\'s are long lost twins separated at birth.
That was a low blow to say that to you. Purely intended to hurt you so he wouldn\'t have to face the truth. So are you in deep freeze mode and going to stay that way a while? Hope he snaps out of it before you develop permafrost.
Support and hugs and 2x4s.
Agreed. I knew the line was crossed when I crossed it. My choice, not Dave\'s. Dave was at home repainting the bathroom for me during that vacation.
What Z said.!
There is the marriage, and there is the affair.
They do not go together.
You were in the same marriage. You did not choose an affair. Is that to say he was responsible for your choosing NOT to cheat? No, YOU were. You and you alone. Problems do not change ones character, they reveal it.
Before I discovered H\'s \'hobby\' there were about half a dozen times he mentioned this or that friend of ours whose marriage was in trouble, having problems. He did so without ever expressing concern or parallels in ours . He was in the midst of his extramarital activities yet sitting down with me to talk about others who were either struggling or had already left.
Like yours, the times when I expressed concerns about this or that element of our relationship , something he did or said to upset me, he never once took the opportunity to sit down and lay all his discontent down & say hey , we really need to talk about us.
So my friend, once exposed, I dealt with hearing how many ways I went wrong with the standard \'not that this excuses my behavior, but these are the reasons why I made those choices at the time.\'
BULLSHIT. I listened, I digested it , and ultimately spit it back up in his face. He WANTED to cheat, and much of the issues he used as his reasons were actually situations he created to justify it.
It\'s been made clear to him that never again will I tolerate being made the cause or catalyst of his moral failure. Period.
Oops that got cut off.
....you shouldn\'t tolerate it either. The infidelity is his alone to deal with. You were not an accomplice in this and shouldn\'t tolerate it either. I pushed H to deal with this in counseling, and he did. Maybe your H needs the same .
I\'d like to \"Like\" what all of you said. After speaking to him today I \"apparently\" misunderstood him because as he said \"I know it was my fault and I take total responsibility for the A\". \"What I was saying is that you had a part in what led up to it.\"
Funny, NOT his change of tune. I know what I heard and he may have meant the above but it came out just like I originally wrote. I think he did say it to hurt me but what gets me is, didn\'t he already hurt me enough?? Cross, I agree with the counseling. We haven\'t gone to MC since Dec. and it\'s clear to us that we still need that mediator and my H hasn\'t gone to IC since then either. I think there is a part of him that is pushing some of the blame on me because he doesn\'t want to deal with knowing that he\'s that bad. He\'ll deny that but I think that is how he is able to live each day. We think and our old MC thinks he may have ADD so it will be interesting to see what our new MC thinks tomorrow.
On a side note what do you guys think about MC being both H & W\'s IC? I originally thought it might be a conflict of interest but lately I\'ve been thinking that it may be more helpful in the rebuilding process.
Thank you all for your insight and support. I\'m standing strong on this and am not going to let him blame me for anything especially if it\'s only to make him feel better.