wow 2014 was the last

It's been a while since i have journaled.. a lot has happened since 2014. Let see.. I finally broke down and went on disability. I couldnt handle trying to work with all the pain constantly distracting me..

Since then i searched for a long time.. trying to find a good solution.. i finally got a pain pump.. which honestly isnt really doing crap for me.. the bupivocaine they have in it numbs my foot and honestly takes the pain away.. it's the best solution i have found so far.. but the pump is unreliable.. some days it seems to work.. others it doesnt.. when i sleep my heart rate goes down so far i think the drugs are building in my system.. and i wake up numb everywhere.. 

I'm so tired of the drug hassles.. EVERYONE is so anti-opiate right now... the gratest evils in the universe are 

1. smoking

2. opiates

3. the taliban

Everytime i get a prescription it's a fight with the dr and drug tests.. it's a fight with the pharmacist.. arguements all around.. oh no we cant fill that for another 24 hours because you filled 29 days go.. really.. whatever.. my good friend in a similar position has been given a new lie from the pharmacist. "We have already dispensed our allotment of narcotics for the month.." That is such total crap.. pharmacies are NOT given a limit on how many narcotics they can dispense.. 

I think my favorite is "your insurance wont cover that prescription for another X days".. that is a LIE! blantant lie!! i actually got 2 prescriptions for oxycontin filled within a week of each other because the pharmacy had to order the script the first time.. and there was problems that pills were missing from their order and whatever.. that is real.. they do sometimes have to order them.. and they are hand delivered and hand counted when they arrive .. and if the numbers dont match they refuse the delivery.. 

So i am thinking about moving to colorado for 6 months to try THC therapy.. honestly i had a little THC a few years ago and it did great things for my pain.. i just dont like the "stoned" feeling you get with it.. 

What else is going on.. well i wasnt working for a while there.. and went into a major depressive funk. my parents sent me to "the bridge" .. a holostic combination pain/depression/anxiety inpatient therapy center in utah.. it was fun.. but it was a lot of work.. they made me work out.. and go on hikes.. every day.. it was exaustingly painful.. but the therapy was good.. and we had massages every day.. meetings with thearpists.. lectures.. etc.. all in all a good experience.. i met some good people there..

When i came back i tried to enroll in grad school. that worked out for a month or so.. then the pain caught up with me and i couldnt really keep up.. i want to try again.. but my disability keeps threatening to cut me off.. (private disability insurance).. they are trying to send me back to work full time.. but honestly my body cant handle that.. i have another 20 years before retirement age and i want to do SOMETHING.. but i cant seem to find anything acomodating.. and if i lose the insurance.. i wont get it back. .

I'm honestly too scared to talk to the insurance company to see what is available for me.. because well i'm scared they will just cut me off.. and i cant work enough to make a living and i cant survive JUST on social security.. but i CANT sit here and do nothing.. i'm going crazier than i already am.. 

Im going to look into rehab things tomorrow.. centers that will help you transition back into the work force.. maybe they know more about the insurance situation.. and can guide me.. 

Well i'm off to do another tDCS treatment.. see if i can keep my depression under control.. then maybe some reading before bed..