"Wounded"
That's my word for the day "Wounded". Late last night, I cancelled hiking this weekend. Our winter storm is blowing around 5 inches and it's still coming down and the wind chill was -30 F last night. I walk outside just to let the dogs in and the cold air steals my breath and I begin coughing like my lungs are going to come out. So going outside, even to snowblow the sidewalk, is a no today. And I'm depressed - partially because I REALLY want to go skiing and can't... I want to go see my son and his family but don't dare with the coughing... and I can't seem to find anything worthy that's good enough to put into my "Good Times Jar" for yesterday... (laughing at myself) I guess I could put down that I got through the day, but I don't want anything in that jar that is going to make me feel depressed in any way for New Year's... It's gonna be a rough New Years as it is...
And so, I got to sleep in this morning, got up, had breakfast and fed the dogs, and went right back to bed for an hour. And in between drifts of sleep, my thoughts kept going to the X. MAN, I've got some REAL BIG co-dependency issues. I was so head-over-heals in love with him, that I feel like a part of me is broken. I mean I understand the mental illness that caused his behavior, understand WHY he did it even though it was COMPLETELY warped, understand that it wasn't me, and yet I STILL feel that attachment, still question whether or not it WAS me.... And then I question EVERYTHING... was I a good partner? Was I too attached to him or not enough? Were we really soulmates or was it all just a lie? Which one was the truth... the one who showed me the most incredible love I've ever known or the one who wanted me dead... And even now... can I find my way alone now that I'm TRULY alone? And FEAR... I've got so much FEAR... about my future survival, about myself inside, who I really am, who do I want to be....SIGH...
I think that's where the sadness part of my dreams yesterday comes from... because I'm still so focused on what we had or what I thought we had, what the reality was, and the loss....
So yep, WOUNDED is an excellent word today. I'm healing slowly, but right now, I CAN'T think about moving forward... I can't focus on the future, only the now... even getting out there with that guy for hiking is just too much. A long distance friend called last night and I don't want to talk to her today, so I'm not calling her back even if it means it will hurt my friendship... My best friend called this morning and asked if I want to go volunteer in 2 weeks for Ski For Light (where skiers take out non-seeing skiers so they can experience winter sports). I used to work at the hotel that roomed the blind participants and always had a ball with them, but that's as far as I ever did, and I've heard that volunteering is hard work but REALLY, REALLY rewarding, but I just can't bring myself to do it... 1. because I'm a terrible skier, lol, and 2. because I really don't want to be around people right now. It could be because I've been sick for so long (since Thanksgiving), but then again, it could be grief still. And so I've said no...
And I guess there's no rush in the future today either... my job is secure for as long as I want it, and I do have ways of getting through the boredom there, so I guess I'll just float on that for now. Well, at least until after this weekend. In fact, as soon as I sign off here, I'm going to put together some of those Valentine's Day Quilts... I'm looking forward to working on them - creativity ALWAYS puts me in a good mood. And hopefully I'll finally get rid of these sniffles and coughs and be ready to start truly LIVING by next weekend's snowshoeing event...
AH! Good news for today's jar entry, is that I've got new neighbors and they nicely shoveled my sidewalk! I'm going to have to go meet them to say thank you when I'm feeling better.... and you know, NEXT YEAR, I might just volunteer to take some Ski For Light Participants SNOWSHOEING instead...
LATER.
And so, I got to sleep in this morning, got up, had breakfast and fed the dogs, and went right back to bed for an hour. And in between drifts of sleep, my thoughts kept going to the X. MAN, I've got some REAL BIG co-dependency issues. I was so head-over-heals in love with him, that I feel like a part of me is broken. I mean I understand the mental illness that caused his behavior, understand WHY he did it even though it was COMPLETELY warped, understand that it wasn't me, and yet I STILL feel that attachment, still question whether or not it WAS me.... And then I question EVERYTHING... was I a good partner? Was I too attached to him or not enough? Were we really soulmates or was it all just a lie? Which one was the truth... the one who showed me the most incredible love I've ever known or the one who wanted me dead... And even now... can I find my way alone now that I'm TRULY alone? And FEAR... I've got so much FEAR... about my future survival, about myself inside, who I really am, who do I want to be....SIGH...
I think that's where the sadness part of my dreams yesterday comes from... because I'm still so focused on what we had or what I thought we had, what the reality was, and the loss....
So yep, WOUNDED is an excellent word today. I'm healing slowly, but right now, I CAN'T think about moving forward... I can't focus on the future, only the now... even getting out there with that guy for hiking is just too much. A long distance friend called last night and I don't want to talk to her today, so I'm not calling her back even if it means it will hurt my friendship... My best friend called this morning and asked if I want to go volunteer in 2 weeks for Ski For Light (where skiers take out non-seeing skiers so they can experience winter sports). I used to work at the hotel that roomed the blind participants and always had a ball with them, but that's as far as I ever did, and I've heard that volunteering is hard work but REALLY, REALLY rewarding, but I just can't bring myself to do it... 1. because I'm a terrible skier, lol, and 2. because I really don't want to be around people right now. It could be because I've been sick for so long (since Thanksgiving), but then again, it could be grief still. And so I've said no...
And I guess there's no rush in the future today either... my job is secure for as long as I want it, and I do have ways of getting through the boredom there, so I guess I'll just float on that for now. Well, at least until after this weekend. In fact, as soon as I sign off here, I'm going to put together some of those Valentine's Day Quilts... I'm looking forward to working on them - creativity ALWAYS puts me in a good mood. And hopefully I'll finally get rid of these sniffles and coughs and be ready to start truly LIVING by next weekend's snowshoeing event...
AH! Good news for today's jar entry, is that I've got new neighbors and they nicely shoveled my sidewalk! I'm going to have to go meet them to say thank you when I'm feeling better.... and you know, NEXT YEAR, I might just volunteer to take some Ski For Light Participants SNOWSHOEING instead...
LATER.
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