Worth it my ass!!
People say that fighting for your life is a worth while cause..I've been here 45 yrs and have yet to reach that conclusion..This isn't something I recall signing up for - like a war, we are drafted to serve - to fight for some unknown cause or abstract purpose; my life is exclusively obligatory - not purposeful nor meaningful; I grudgingly endure this senseless existence.. I believe my life's inertia is so powerful the energy required to change it's momentum & course is far beyond what I can supply. It will take mystic forces far beyond my efforts to change my life's rhythm. Life requires substantial effort to maintain especially if you've been aloof & indifferent to the experiences that it has offered. Constantly reflecting on past negligiance has stunted potential growth leaving me more apathetic & frustrated of my predicament. Perhaps it is no wonder why there's little energy..I wish I could somehow be purged of all my thoughts, starting with a clean slate here going forward; or a time machine to go back and correct my senseless errors. I feel my life is the sum of my past; that it is only as good as my worse failure which leaves me envisioning a pointless future & a stagnant present.. I can't wait for my tour of duty to be over so I can be permanently decommissioned; pleading never again to be deployed and stationed here..
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Gentle and comforting huggs. I agree with everything you just said. xoxo
Life is a very difficult experience. Some seem to \"skate\" through, but don\'t be fooled by exteriors: everyone has pain, fear, suffering, loss, regret, setbacks, disappointments, abandonment, rejection, failure - everyone. And then there is the natural world: this is God\'s gift to us, it\'s free, it\'s beautiful (take a look at photos taken by the Hubble telescope and then just put up a bird feeder and observe for a few years), it\'s healing, and it\'s God\'s way of communicating to us: perfection down to the subatomic level that science can\'t yet see although science sees more than enough to posit that there is perfection present. Life is everywhere, consciousness is everywhere: trees communicate (this year, where I live, the sugar maples are blowing tons of seed; the last time this happened a few years back, I got a voluntary Maple tree that is absolutely gorgeous). Everything is \"alive\" because everything is the \"thought\" of its Creator, imbued with life, the breath of His essence. The only way forward when faced with a tragedy or tormented by errors (which everyone makes) is to trust: trust God. If you judge yourself harshly, you will find yourself spending eternity based upon that judgment. God does not judge us, we judge ourselves. Because you are human and have not faced your \"demons\" (experiential and perhaps actual), you are in a dark, dark place. But there are photons in the blackest of space: LIGHT IS EVERYWHERE. And light is WITHIN YOU. You don\'t have to fight this battle alone! Turn to Him.
jill
You can resign from your tour of duty in the past, you can throw away that d** badge of failure that you\'ve pinned on your chest...you can begin a new life, a better one where you stay in the here and now...this is what you have, it is within you to forge ahead. What\'s done is done...no one can change their past and trying to is only cutting your nose off to spite your face. Life is hard work. no one said it was easy..even the most beautiful rose bush has thorns.
You can appreciate the wonder of yourself yet still be careful of the thorns.
You are stronger than you care to admit right now...fight to see that inner strength, it is there!!!! If I have to continue this fight, you darn sure do as well!!!
marcie
Life in itself isn\'t anything that I love.
Noone can provide you with the right answers. It might be something I or someone else says resonates in a deep space which you cannot touch.
It does sound terribly exhausting. I don\'t know if there is a \"happy ending\" or grim eternal disappointed ended at some indeterminate time.
My happy ending would be to spend more of my life flowing, taking chances, growing and being in the present.
My hope for you is that you keep a part of your dream close by, regardless if the outside doesn\'t match the inside.
A wise man once said: \"This one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward\". God is well able to change the hopeless way you feel and get you out of your rut. He is doing it for me.
I really like what you wrote and wish I could of written it. I too wish we could erase some of our memories from the past.
(((HUGS)))