Worst time of the year is coming up.
April is a really bad month for me. A few hard events in my life took place but before I go into that I will go back some. When I was a baby my grandparents dad's side took me in until my grandma got sick went I was about 2.5 or 3 years old. I knew my parents as they came out to the house to visit. When I went home with them I though it was all too great I had my own room I was home with my brother and parents. However my dad and his friends started touching me. I dont remember everything from it and I am kinda thankful for that as the stuff I do remember kill me. When I was 7 my dad told me I was a woman now and that this is what all fathers do. He raped me on my birthday. Shortly after this my mother moved out with her new boyfriend and with my brother leaving me with my dad full time. Things just started getting worse. By the time my mom came around to get me I have already been through hell and was very upset when she would leave and I was always scared of when school was over where I was going to end up, and I didnt want to go to school because I didnt want to be sent back to my dad's CAS was called alot but I was taught to lie to them saying that nothing is wrong. When I was in grade 3 I was sent to live with my dad again. Only this time he had a girl friend and two of her kids. The girl got my old room, and the boy got my brothers old room. When his girlfriend worked nights I had to sleep with my dad..when she was home I had to sleep in the landing which was very cold in the winter. The abuse was life long and didnt end until I was 18 and left without saying anything.
April is the worst month because in 2002 My Grandma died, the day of I didnt want to go to my dad's after spending the weekend with my mom, I put up a really hard fight I didnt want to go back to the sick hell I was living. I ran away from his girlfriend big mistake she beat me pretty good and locked me in a room until my dad got home. He then was really upset and he raped me harder then ever before, and she watched. and said nothing... He then tooked the ripped up clothes and through them out and had me take a shower. He stood there watching and made sure I cleaned everything... After he made me get dressed in boxers and told me to get to bed. I told me no I want to go to the hospital with you grandma is going to die tonight. I just had that feeling, he told me no she is not and I yelled yes she is and she will at 12am. Please. he just grabbed the belt and started wipping me with the buckle. Which was normal.. He left, when he got back home is was 4am and he was upset and was telling his girlfriend that his mother died. He started throwing stuff and was yelling things at his girlfriend she then grabbed her kids telling them to get in the car. My dad went after her and I followed them out side, us three kids just stood there watching them fight inside the truck. She yelled for her son to go call 911 and the only thing I could say was no dont,and he then picked up his skateboard and was going to go hit my dad and I told him dont he will kill you, you have no idea! They where never hurt in the ways I was and I hated them for that. The only thing I did to stop them from fighting was walk up and say dad. He turned around and grabbed me by the head and picked me off my feet. I should have known better but it was the only thing that I could do... She left with the kids, and my dad took me to the barn. That was what the place was called it really was not a barn but it was a place where people would bring kids and people could pay to use them, or share them. He beat me so bad and blamed me for her leaving. He had some of his friends and him rape me, I was in alot of pain but I knew by then that I cant show it or I get it worse. After it was all done he took me home and took my clothes off and said you killed your grandma and you made her leave. He put me in the dog crate downstairs naked and left me there for a few days. When she came back I got to come out and he watched me shower and get dressed I was still in alot of pain, he told me if anyone asked about what happened tell them you fell or that you did it. So I did I lied to hide the truth behind the doors of hell.
A few years later again in April my dad and his girlfriend got married I didnt want this to happen as I knew my life would only get worse... But it happened... I was sad that day and was trying to just be a kid but that was not possible! There was a couple guys that were from her side that where giving me drinks, and my uncle who has raped me before was there.. I hate wearing dresses.. as I have learned that dont wear them unless you really have to...That night I was raped by my uncle, then by her step dad, and her uncle. I pretended that it never happened.
All my life I tried to pretend my life was great and that everything was fine, I have been raped countless times by some of my family, and my dads friends. Boyfriends, a person I trusted. My boxing coach, a police officer. I have been touched my a teacher. I cant trust people, but every year it seems that April is the worst month of all.. I was abused all year round but April is just a horrible month! I always have feelings of just ending it bc I just cant take it any more, I wish I could forget everything. I plan every year to kill myself on the day my grandma died. I do think that it is my fault that she is dead bc I said she was going to die and what time and it happened the last time I saw her I told her what was going on and she said I was making it up, its not that bad. Things will be better soon. I told her I hated her and I wished she was dead.. I didnt really mean it I was a kid and I was crying for help and I was hurt from what she said, but when she did die I was not wanting that I should never have said what day or time she was going to.. I hated her funeral as I was raped by my uncle in the bathroom there and I just had to keep my mouth shut about what happened... Its hard asking for help from everyone who has hurt me, and I always fear that people are going to hurt me so I dont trust and it takes me a long time to trust people and hope that I am trusting the safe people..
I am not ready for April I have been feeling really bad this month and I fear that April will be even worse this year as I just want to end all the thoughts. I am tired of the nightmares, and I am tired of the flashbacks and it is hard..
Does anyone have a way they deal with their bad times in the year, or how they cope?
April is the worst month because in 2002 My Grandma died, the day of I didnt want to go to my dad's after spending the weekend with my mom, I put up a really hard fight I didnt want to go back to the sick hell I was living. I ran away from his girlfriend big mistake she beat me pretty good and locked me in a room until my dad got home. He then was really upset and he raped me harder then ever before, and she watched. and said nothing... He then tooked the ripped up clothes and through them out and had me take a shower. He stood there watching and made sure I cleaned everything... After he made me get dressed in boxers and told me to get to bed. I told me no I want to go to the hospital with you grandma is going to die tonight. I just had that feeling, he told me no she is not and I yelled yes she is and she will at 12am. Please. he just grabbed the belt and started wipping me with the buckle. Which was normal.. He left, when he got back home is was 4am and he was upset and was telling his girlfriend that his mother died. He started throwing stuff and was yelling things at his girlfriend she then grabbed her kids telling them to get in the car. My dad went after her and I followed them out side, us three kids just stood there watching them fight inside the truck. She yelled for her son to go call 911 and the only thing I could say was no dont,and he then picked up his skateboard and was going to go hit my dad and I told him dont he will kill you, you have no idea! They where never hurt in the ways I was and I hated them for that. The only thing I did to stop them from fighting was walk up and say dad. He turned around and grabbed me by the head and picked me off my feet. I should have known better but it was the only thing that I could do... She left with the kids, and my dad took me to the barn. That was what the place was called it really was not a barn but it was a place where people would bring kids and people could pay to use them, or share them. He beat me so bad and blamed me for her leaving. He had some of his friends and him rape me, I was in alot of pain but I knew by then that I cant show it or I get it worse. After it was all done he took me home and took my clothes off and said you killed your grandma and you made her leave. He put me in the dog crate downstairs naked and left me there for a few days. When she came back I got to come out and he watched me shower and get dressed I was still in alot of pain, he told me if anyone asked about what happened tell them you fell or that you did it. So I did I lied to hide the truth behind the doors of hell.
A few years later again in April my dad and his girlfriend got married I didnt want this to happen as I knew my life would only get worse... But it happened... I was sad that day and was trying to just be a kid but that was not possible! There was a couple guys that were from her side that where giving me drinks, and my uncle who has raped me before was there.. I hate wearing dresses.. as I have learned that dont wear them unless you really have to...That night I was raped by my uncle, then by her step dad, and her uncle. I pretended that it never happened.
All my life I tried to pretend my life was great and that everything was fine, I have been raped countless times by some of my family, and my dads friends. Boyfriends, a person I trusted. My boxing coach, a police officer. I have been touched my a teacher. I cant trust people, but every year it seems that April is the worst month of all.. I was abused all year round but April is just a horrible month! I always have feelings of just ending it bc I just cant take it any more, I wish I could forget everything. I plan every year to kill myself on the day my grandma died. I do think that it is my fault that she is dead bc I said she was going to die and what time and it happened the last time I saw her I told her what was going on and she said I was making it up, its not that bad. Things will be better soon. I told her I hated her and I wished she was dead.. I didnt really mean it I was a kid and I was crying for help and I was hurt from what she said, but when she did die I was not wanting that I should never have said what day or time she was going to.. I hated her funeral as I was raped by my uncle in the bathroom there and I just had to keep my mouth shut about what happened... Its hard asking for help from everyone who has hurt me, and I always fear that people are going to hurt me so I dont trust and it takes me a long time to trust people and hope that I am trusting the safe people..
I am not ready for April I have been feeling really bad this month and I fear that April will be even worse this year as I just want to end all the thoughts. I am tired of the nightmares, and I am tired of the flashbacks and it is hard..
Does anyone have a way they deal with their bad times in the year, or how they cope?
Replies
Oh honey, I am so, so sorry for the literal HELL you have been through. I don\'t know how to offer comfort except to say that you should do what is best for YOU, what ever that may be.
Much love and hugs
thank you. I have never told my full story yet but even little bits of my life are unspeakable and really there is nothing people can say. I dont want people to feel sorry for me, I just want to get it out there and vent instead of keeping all the pain and secrets inside. I know there are other people like me and I am glad as it does help knowing that your not alone. But sometimes I get tired of trying to fake happy, and pretend my pain is not real and that my life was perfect.. well not perfect but not the nightmare it was. I did well at hiding it but it takes a lot out of me. And even though it has been two years being out of the abuse I still find myself moving all the time trying to hide from people. Some just dont understand there are reasons why I dont tell many people where I am. I am not fully safe and knowing that makes me a little on edge just knowing that any time I could run into any of my abusers. But it was worth getting out... But trying to keep the secrets in hurts more then speaking about them. I feel horrible when I lie to the people I love but truthfully I dont want them to know the pain and what all happened and they dont understand, they are also the type that pretends to want to know but when you tell them they dont really want to know. The truth is too hard for them to hear. I have one support who has been through it and understands, however I feel bad for venting to her all the time as it really only seems like everything is neg and nothing is positive.. So I thought why not try a support group and try to get more support to get through this.