Worseday

Dearest,
             Someone asked me if I was going home today. Home, such a strange word. I don't have a home, I'm homeless. I live in a house. A cold, lonely place that I haunt like a specter in a horror film. I remember that night, that morning actually, going home without you. Without You. It was no longer a home. You were the life in this house, you were the life in me. All I wanted to do was come back here and die. I shouldn't even say that I live in this house since I'm mostly dead.
  I remember what I said to you. You were already gone but I wasn't beleiving it, not for a minute, it just couldn't be. I said I was sorry that I was late, I was sorry for sleeping, I was sorry for going home. You died there in the company of strangers. My words echoed off the hospital tile, banal, inane words bouncing back at me, as if to mock me. So many things were left unsaid. We talked about the things we said that could never be unsaid but we never talked about the things left unsaid that should have been said. Things that should have been spoken every day over and over. We thought we had plenty of time.
  Time, such a strange word. What does it mean? It has different meanings to different people. All the time we had was all the time we had. Ah but what a time we had. If only we had known how short it was, if only. Somewhere I imagine a single sparkling raindrop rolls off of a leaf in a rain forest and explodes on the head of a tiny colorful frog, in remembrance.
I was on the deck watching the snowfall. Falling. Or was I rising? It can be confusing. The spotlights cast my shadow on the snow on the deck. I thought about Poe, you knew that, And the spot lights over me streaming throws my shadow on the floor; and my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted. . . Nevermore.
I love you, I miss you, I'm glad you were in my life, Your Ken

Replies

songsofthenight
songsofthenight

hello Ken...I could beat myself up for the things I said, the getting upset over nothing when I\'ve only had 2 hours of sleep. But I can\'t change nothing so I might as well put it aside and forget about it. Missing my bigbear every time I come home, (yes it is home) just now it is my home, the one bigbear and I shared together. Some things I\'ve changed and others I can\'t change, I\'ve boxed up his clothes but haven\'t got them given away yet...I only do what I feel like doing, when I want to do it...so take your time, however long it is, and live, live life for her and your self. Enjoy life as I\'m sure that is what she\'d want for you, if the roles were reversed, she was the one alive...what would you want her to do, feel, etc????? Not trying to give you a hard time or anything just want to try and help you....hugs, Sandi
deleted_user
deleted_user

Time is what we all wanted just a bit more of. I know my friend, I know.
missingmyabby
missingmyabby

Sandi,
You made me smile, Thanks
See that\'s what Abby would say \"I\'m not trying to give you a hard time but . . .\" then proceed to give me a deucedly hard time about something. Ahh I miss her so.
Ken
swindy
swindy

Ken, Of course you miss your Abby, she was your other half. My house doesn\'t feel like a home anymore either but I am hoping that someday it will again. Rodger and I were together 52 years and we weren\'t ready to have it end. It was too good just the way it was but things happen and I hope I can honor his memory by going on and making a life for myself. I know that I will see him again when God chooses to take me and I know that Rodger is with me every day. I hope you can feel your Abbys presence around you. Hugs Diane
rene4ever
rene4ever

Ken,
I feel just what you are saying. It is going to be 9 months since losing Rene\'. The house I am in is the home she had made for the two of us as empty nesters 8 years ago. I was blessed to have had the time I did have with Rene\'. She made our home lovely, warm and inviting. For several months I never wanted to leave it but then came the reallity that I was the only one home and felt extra lonely here. As time moves forward however slowly, I cannot concieve of not being here where she prepared a loving and family home. Take some comfort in that she resided there with you and always will.
Peace to You,
Dave
deleted_user
deleted_user

Time, no there never was enough time before.......we spent our time loving, laughing and enjoying every moment. Time......now it hangs heavy on my mind and heart as I sit in my house that when it was \"our\" house time flew by. Why did death kindly stop for Jim but only had room for one that night? Oh well, I have a lot of time to ponder that question.
missingmyabby
missingmyabby

MrsJRS
A little Dickinson?

Ken