Worried
Today my fiance had a panic attack at work and had to come home. He got home before I left for work. I asked him what was wrong and he broke down in tears. I had only seen him cry once before. I'm a little shaken.
Recently everyone in my house has been overdoing it and hurt our backs. I went with him yesterday to his chiropractor appointment. They took x-rays and did some therapy and told him come back friday so they can discuss the x-rays. I've been going to the chiropractor for weeks now.
I'm not sure if fiance is stressed about how much it will cost or him not able to do his job or what. He just said he is in alot of pain and afraid something in his back is broken. Apparently it has been hurting for a long time. He bottles everything up. I guess it just broke loose today.
Now I feel bad because I've been going to the doc and chiropractor and his job is way harder than mine. We are going to be short on money for awhile unfortunately.
He plans to make an appointment soon to go see a doc about his anxiety so the panic attacks stop. I'm hoping getting news about x-rays and seeing the chiropractor will help. Idk he just isn't himself. He is hard to talk to. Idk what to say. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm afraid his nerves are raw and he may feel like I'm picking at him if I give too much advice. He needs guidance tho because he is irrational right now and not planning things out. He tried to leave this morning and go to the wrong doc plus lost his wallet (it was at the house). So he came back home after a waste of time and gas.
Usually I'm the one stressed out and emotional. Doesnt help it's my time of the month, so I'm crampy, no appetite, touchy, and tired. I also felt like I had a panic attack yesterday. I was just too hot idk.
I feel like we traded places. Like he is on the rag and I have anxiety. This is nuts I hope he gets help soon. It's hard to see my man cry. He should have made an appointment already. I feel like idk what to do to help.
Replies
Hi there. Yes, it is hard to see our men cry. As I do have experience :-), and though my years as a wife are over now, I do recall the days feeling just as you do during such times. And the cramps certainly don't help the matter to deal with comfortably (over the cycles as well :-) I do have an opinion for you, which I hope is a logical one. I do feel awful along with you. I remember as we were so young then (husband & I). The bills & lack of enough medical insurance can be a chore to deal with as a married couple. Because a marriage is a joint thing. Times were indeed tough when we were young and beginning to learn and grow not as individuals but as a couple. And when my hubs would need attention, while he didn't want to take himself to the doctor, I would fuss about it, and then he would retaliate by digging into more stubborn behavior. And I pampered my husband daily, which he liked that, but it was not what I should have done. I talked too much in my sympathetic tone, and I stroked him, or hugged him. And the most important thing that he needed was not so much my good-hearted understanding. What he needed was my back-up, even when I knew that he was entirely wrong, or he was approaching a problem with little concentration on a good plan. So I had to let him be the man and make his own mistakes. By doing so, he was able to grow to appreciate that I was patient enough to let it happen his way. What your fiance really needs is not your well-meaning, high level of of frankness; he simply needs the warm, friendly, happy, playful you; be sincere though, only withhold the questions about his choices. And this is not easy to always do; there will be awkward times where you don't intentionally mean to get on his nerves, or nag him. Thing is, our men want and deserve independence, in order to feel manly :-) Men don't care to respect women with quick tempers or doubtful expressions, such as deep, heavy signing or long chin to the chest pouting spells we women do :-) They need that feeling of freedom. I'd just be a good listener, and if you have to use a clumsy look while he is determining to do something you know for sure is wrong, go to another room and let it out; don't dare stress yourself to hold your temper in without expressing yourself; only try to find a creative way to do this without fiance knowing. I agree that it's a large order to ask of you. Though this does keep the peace. I know that you are a smart girl; yet let him "imagine* that he is the head of the brainstorming, lol! Keep it constantly in mind that you are building trust as a couple, and at the end you will each expand to mulling over the logical ideas as a couple in due time. Ultimately, you both will balance out in agreement, though only as he gains your complete trust; he will then respect what you tell him as a fact and consequently take your helpful advice as the loving truth; what you hope for is to become like a second mind to him. Stay optimistic in spite of the doubts for now. Let him grow by a fall, & let him get back on his feet, and which behavior is what his own mom taught him to do years ahead of you. I personally believe that all men are still just cute little tykes trying to stand-up in big-man shoes :-)
Bless each of you! And hugs!
I'm sorry remiah I had to laugh while reading this. I have never been in any form that I can remember, described as warm happy or loving. That is not my personality and if he wanted someone like that then he wouldn't have chose me. He has freedom. I bought a car for him and he drives where ever and see whoever on his days off while I'm at work. I don't ask questions or expect him to be there when I get home. That seems like plenty of independence to me. I also don't call and make appointments for him. If he wants to suffer instead of going to the doctor that's his business.
What I meant was idk what to do when a person is sitting crying next to me. When I cry in front of people I want attention and expect them to make me stop somehow. But men are weird.
He seems to be better now. I just can't handle things if he starts missing work even more than he already does. I can barely make ends meet as it is and I'm not quitting my job because of him.
Aw, honey, I see! :-) Nice to know that you can find humor inside of your character. I am an old fashioned girl at heart, and I have that warm and cozy attitude. Way too often, lol! Though your situation reminds me of my sister-in-law's husband's tricky ways. (I kid you not - this is an honest and real-life story) And in the beginning of her marriage, my sister-in-law had a great sense of laughter, she loved to joke around, yet in the end she was often very sad. The story is that she met this guy; he was a stranger; it took two weeks and he proposed marriage, and she had taken care of him even before they were married; he was on hard street drugs, no job, no home, no clothes, no cash, and even without a home and he had multiple health issues. As a matter of fact, she took him off the street and cleaned him up just for a marriage proposal (she was well-educated and desperate for a man). She was very independent before they married too. She was not the warm, friendly or touchy type of personality. Though, she didn't want to wait for a descent husband to come along; men are scarce :-). So this guy eventually played "her" for a fool, many times. He stopped seeking employment after several jobs dismissed him for lack of work performance; he didn't show up as expected. He cheated on her. She had to take extended leave from her work because of the stress, and she was suspended without pay for work loss, she was hospitalized frequently because of health issues due to the stress. He took her money to the point where she had to borrow, later steal, from her elderly grandmother (he ran-up the credit cards in Grandma's name). Her parents were at her mercy because of sorrow, so they were also targeted for financial support of this guy, and, naturally, parents are willing to help. She had her parents to buy him a car, a brand new one, and only the Lord recalls how much debt she put her parents in trying to keep a loveless relationship with this bum, just for the sake of having a man, to show off to her married friends. pathetic! And as I recall, he was not the crying type either; she was though, after he had used her up; she was very emotionally weak, and it reversed her from spunky with an attitude of confidence to the dang-right dependent one, and it killed her, literally, she died from heartbreak, while in the hospital, and at an early age. I recall the day my husband and I saw her clothes stored in trash bags outside of her kitchen door. Pitiful too. After claiming her insurance he cleaned out the house, selling or giving away the furnishing, and headed out of town. She had so much going for her before this failure of a man stepped into her life. But it all changed in the blink of an eye. You will need to keep a solid defense with your man. Stay alert!
Well, thanks for enlightening me. I certainly don't want to encourage you to be that sort of a fool :-) You handle matters as you see what's fit for you. Have a happy evening! :-) Keep your sense of humor too! :-)
I'm trying remiah thanks. I am a much sadder person than I used to be but it is my ex's fault, not the current man. My brother has told me time and again how much he likes my fiance and thinks he is good for me. My fiance has been trying to heal me ever since we met. Tho I may still sound miserable, and am def more stressed, I am happier than I was before meeting him. I'm just a loner and this whole thing living with him and my mom is very hard for me. I never have been able to live on my own, it just costs too much and I have too many responsibilities to allow that kind of freedom. It makes me sad, but I just try to live in the present and keep going. I make small goals and don't think about the future.
I've found that men who work and have a nice car and home don't treat me right. They talk down to me and abuse me, always expecting their ass kisses and appreciate nothing.
My fiance wasn't on the street when I met him, but he had been thru hell and had nothing left to live for. He had given up on ever meeting a gf or having a family. He wasn't going to the doctor because he had no insurance and figured he would die anyway. We are both better people since we met. Yes sometimes I have felt used, but trying to get both of us back on our feet is taking much time and money. He didn't have a car or drivers license when we met. He lived in the city where he didn't really need one. When he moved in with me after he was in the hospital with a collapsed lung from a cyst, I made him get his license, bought a car in my name since he had no credit, and he found a job that he still works at. Medical stuff we are slowly working on. Idk what else I could have done? I don't think he is a bad person or we are in a loveless relationship. He gives me his paycheck so I can pay bills and I give him an allowance so to speak. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. Does nice thoughtful things for me. He even is nice to my mom no matter how cranky she is and is fine living with her too. It was very hard to find a man who would take in my toxic elderly mother who is disabled.
I don't think we have a bad relationship, especially compared to other couples we know. We still have fun together and try to talk and be supportive. I just didn't realize back when I was lonely how much work it takes being in a relationship. I wasn't ready for the amount of stress. I miss my me time but I don't miss crying myself to sleep every night. My fiance always talks about balance and finding a happy medium. I just haven't figured mine out yet.