Working through the Moods
With a new relationship comes a new set of obstacles to overcome. This is normal, after all, you are with someone completely new and different, and so, you have to get to know someone all over again from scratch. Even if that person was your friend beforehand, being in a relationship changes things.
I remember that when Sage and I first started seeing each other, we were in that honeymoon phase and found that both of us slept better and did not often go through our 'lows' or 'moods'. We were just always so happy and glowing. Coming down out of the honeymoon stage, things are becoming more real, more natural...and as expected, we are learning how to deal with one another when things are not all sunshine and rainbows. Having 2 people that deal heavily with depression, anxiety, and something along the lines of PTSD...well, it is def a challenge. But, it's something we have been working through day-by-day, and, even with the honeymoon phase now gone, we are still as happy as we were beforehand.
Anyways...going back to the moods. I find that I am in something of a mood right now for multiple reasons. The first is that Sage is working through a divorce right now and I feel...useless. She tells me not to feel this way and claims that without me, she would be falling apart...but at the same time, I can't help but to think that way because I never know what to do! I have never been in that type of situation, and I can't even begin to imagine her pain and suffering. She was with someone for years and thought they had a forever-thing. She thought things were okay despite the distance between her and her ex, and then the woman she was with does a total 180 on her and she doesn't even know whom she is married to anymore. Finally her money starts disappearing, her credit goes to shit, savings account gets wiped out because of the ex, and now she is in a rut. She decided to get a divorce because she was not happy anymore, and now she sits there and suffers at times thinking she has gone and betrayed her ex...that all of this was because she was not strong enough, and that's really not the case. All I can do in these moments are hold her...shed some light of truth on her and tell her it will all be okay, but, will that be enough?
Hm...another thing that has me in moods are my jealous streaks. I do get jealous, I can be possessive and have my "Grr" moments just like anyone else. So, Sage and I like tattoos, and we often talk about the ink on our skin telling the stories of our life...the chapters of our life leading to where we are now. So, she comes home from work and she is showing me some tattoo sketches she did. One was for her brother, and the other was for her ex. Now, the ex was represented with some tribal and a heart in the middle of it. I guess this bothered me...but then I got over it when I realized that while the ex would have her place and is indeed a chapter, Sage just recently got a tattoo that I am represented in where I am nuzzled up right next to her. So, no matter how close the ex is or no matter the light that is put on her, in the end, I'm the one that will always be there closest to Sage and closest to her real heart. Is it selfish to be thinking this way? I guess it just bothers me what the ex has done to this beautiful creature of whom I love more than anything.
Another mood has been brought about because I have been reminded often of the abuse I had suffered as a child. My Father and I never saw eye-to-eye...and what he saw as parenting, I saw as abusive. The bruises he would leave me, just the pain I was in when he would squeeze me to get me to be quiet...then, the other day, he posted up a photo for throwback Thursday of a snow day. You know, anyone else sees that photo and sees me smiling and everyone else having fun out in the cold. I see that photo and realize that not even 30 minutes later, I was having a sled smacked against the back of my head and then my little sister would be screaming as my Father tried to pull me out of that ugly, gold van that we had. I say that my not saying anything and just ignoring the fact that the day still haunts me...I try to pass it off as forgiveness. Over the years I still fight on whether the abuse was ever really my fault or if it even happened at all...I mean, I know it happened, my Mother knows it happened, but my Father always tried to convince me otherwise, and I feel like the fear I have of him is still trying to sway me, to convince me that it was all in my head.
Sage...well, she hates that I block these things out, that I ignore that they happened...that I have not confronted my Father for what he has done. I guess she says she is waiting for the day that I finally let it out, but, I'm not so sure that day will ever come. Part of me is satisfied enough knowing that now he is a sad old man that has accomplished nothing and that he is now crawling to me for some sort of relationship that we had lacked for so long...but yes, part of me still wants to see him suffer, to drown in the words I have yet to tell him. But then there is the part of me that says I should just let it go, that I should just bite my tongue and let the man die in peace rather than throw all these things at him because at one point he asked me if I thought he was abusive...and while I tried to elude the question, ultimately I told him 'no'. That action alone makes me feel like I lost the only opportunity I had to really stand up for myself once and for all and tell him how I really feel.
Lastly...Sage has a friend whom she used to be involved with. This friend is basically her best friend and well, I guess she has stopped talking to Sage because she is iffy about me. she is jealous of me I suppose? At least, that's what other people have said...and what's sad is, this friend added me on FB, I thanked her for adding me and tried talking to her, but then she cut me off. She stopped talking to me, never made an effort to speak to me, but, she will speak with everyone else in the household. Sage tries to justify her actions...but I just see it as petty. I have been in that position where I have watched the one that I care about and have feelings for run to someone else. But, at the same time, this friend is already taken AND, Sage has already told this person that they are not on the same page. I guess I can see Sage's point...I mean, this friend did go out on a limb, learn to love Sage's ex-wife and then everything went to shit. But, at the same time, were I her, I would want to get to know the person involved with my best friend. I get mad that everyone else here gets constant messages from this person, but I never do...and Sage is basically ignored half the time. I see it as childish but there's nothing I can do about it really except do what Sage says and 'give it time'.
Still, with all these new moods comes enlightenment, and all I can do is keep pushing forward and improving day-by-day. We will see where it continues to go.
I remember that when Sage and I first started seeing each other, we were in that honeymoon phase and found that both of us slept better and did not often go through our 'lows' or 'moods'. We were just always so happy and glowing. Coming down out of the honeymoon stage, things are becoming more real, more natural...and as expected, we are learning how to deal with one another when things are not all sunshine and rainbows. Having 2 people that deal heavily with depression, anxiety, and something along the lines of PTSD...well, it is def a challenge. But, it's something we have been working through day-by-day, and, even with the honeymoon phase now gone, we are still as happy as we were beforehand.
Anyways...going back to the moods. I find that I am in something of a mood right now for multiple reasons. The first is that Sage is working through a divorce right now and I feel...useless. She tells me not to feel this way and claims that without me, she would be falling apart...but at the same time, I can't help but to think that way because I never know what to do! I have never been in that type of situation, and I can't even begin to imagine her pain and suffering. She was with someone for years and thought they had a forever-thing. She thought things were okay despite the distance between her and her ex, and then the woman she was with does a total 180 on her and she doesn't even know whom she is married to anymore. Finally her money starts disappearing, her credit goes to shit, savings account gets wiped out because of the ex, and now she is in a rut. She decided to get a divorce because she was not happy anymore, and now she sits there and suffers at times thinking she has gone and betrayed her ex...that all of this was because she was not strong enough, and that's really not the case. All I can do in these moments are hold her...shed some light of truth on her and tell her it will all be okay, but, will that be enough?
Hm...another thing that has me in moods are my jealous streaks. I do get jealous, I can be possessive and have my "Grr" moments just like anyone else. So, Sage and I like tattoos, and we often talk about the ink on our skin telling the stories of our life...the chapters of our life leading to where we are now. So, she comes home from work and she is showing me some tattoo sketches she did. One was for her brother, and the other was for her ex. Now, the ex was represented with some tribal and a heart in the middle of it. I guess this bothered me...but then I got over it when I realized that while the ex would have her place and is indeed a chapter, Sage just recently got a tattoo that I am represented in where I am nuzzled up right next to her. So, no matter how close the ex is or no matter the light that is put on her, in the end, I'm the one that will always be there closest to Sage and closest to her real heart. Is it selfish to be thinking this way? I guess it just bothers me what the ex has done to this beautiful creature of whom I love more than anything.
Another mood has been brought about because I have been reminded often of the abuse I had suffered as a child. My Father and I never saw eye-to-eye...and what he saw as parenting, I saw as abusive. The bruises he would leave me, just the pain I was in when he would squeeze me to get me to be quiet...then, the other day, he posted up a photo for throwback Thursday of a snow day. You know, anyone else sees that photo and sees me smiling and everyone else having fun out in the cold. I see that photo and realize that not even 30 minutes later, I was having a sled smacked against the back of my head and then my little sister would be screaming as my Father tried to pull me out of that ugly, gold van that we had. I say that my not saying anything and just ignoring the fact that the day still haunts me...I try to pass it off as forgiveness. Over the years I still fight on whether the abuse was ever really my fault or if it even happened at all...I mean, I know it happened, my Mother knows it happened, but my Father always tried to convince me otherwise, and I feel like the fear I have of him is still trying to sway me, to convince me that it was all in my head.
Sage...well, she hates that I block these things out, that I ignore that they happened...that I have not confronted my Father for what he has done. I guess she says she is waiting for the day that I finally let it out, but, I'm not so sure that day will ever come. Part of me is satisfied enough knowing that now he is a sad old man that has accomplished nothing and that he is now crawling to me for some sort of relationship that we had lacked for so long...but yes, part of me still wants to see him suffer, to drown in the words I have yet to tell him. But then there is the part of me that says I should just let it go, that I should just bite my tongue and let the man die in peace rather than throw all these things at him because at one point he asked me if I thought he was abusive...and while I tried to elude the question, ultimately I told him 'no'. That action alone makes me feel like I lost the only opportunity I had to really stand up for myself once and for all and tell him how I really feel.
Lastly...Sage has a friend whom she used to be involved with. This friend is basically her best friend and well, I guess she has stopped talking to Sage because she is iffy about me. she is jealous of me I suppose? At least, that's what other people have said...and what's sad is, this friend added me on FB, I thanked her for adding me and tried talking to her, but then she cut me off. She stopped talking to me, never made an effort to speak to me, but, she will speak with everyone else in the household. Sage tries to justify her actions...but I just see it as petty. I have been in that position where I have watched the one that I care about and have feelings for run to someone else. But, at the same time, this friend is already taken AND, Sage has already told this person that they are not on the same page. I guess I can see Sage's point...I mean, this friend did go out on a limb, learn to love Sage's ex-wife and then everything went to shit. But, at the same time, were I her, I would want to get to know the person involved with my best friend. I get mad that everyone else here gets constant messages from this person, but I never do...and Sage is basically ignored half the time. I see it as childish but there's nothing I can do about it really except do what Sage says and 'give it time'.
Still, with all these new moods comes enlightenment, and all I can do is keep pushing forward and improving day-by-day. We will see where it continues to go.
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