Work-in-Progress -- Depression Isn't a Disease

Depression isn't a disease
It's a creeping madness
 
Seeping into your soul and very being
Destroying the smiles
The simple act of caring
It all becomes a weight crushing down like a thousand forgotten promises
You commit hate crimes on yourself
Every day is a struggle to make it to the next
And before lunch you're suffocating on self hate
 
Depression isn't a disease
It's just another pitiful way of living
 
Drowning out the idea of death with a bottle of booze passing out on the bathroom floor hoping that this is the end
But it's not -- it never is
Your body doesn't forget how to breathe even when you wish it did
 
Depression isn't a disease
It's being alone in a world full of people
 
Urgently trying to grasp for some connection
Some strand of hope that this isn't just all worthless 
And they call you weak and a coward but you've been fighting for so long
Plastering your face with fake  smiles when you can muster them
Other times staring blankly because you don't understand the stream of meaningless bullshit pouring fourth from the mouth of someone "trying to help"
Silently you call out but they're just tuning you out
And the warning signs were past due
 
Depression isn't a disease
It's not even a way out
 
You can't throw in the towel and call it the end
You have people here and that's always the last thought
What if?
What happens?
What will they do?
Will this be the end or will they suffer my depression too?
 
Depression isn't a disease
It's a battle to keep going
 
But the real question is, is making it to tomorrow the real victory? Or is it just bittersweet defeat?
Maybe it's the easy way out to end it all and be done
But the barrel of a gun is intimidating even when you're the one aiming it.
Tired of living, too afraid to die, sitting here listening to the screams of war raging silently in my head
 
No, depression isn't a disease
It's a battle to insanity
 
And it's drafted me.