Words to myself

Okay journal, it's gonna be you and me, and mostly me. I don't wish to bore or dump my troubles on anyone so, I believe this is the best place for me to let out my anguish and frustrations. I have many, and they are increasing and mounting quickly. I think at the moment I'm mad at the world and may be sorry later, if I lash out at the ones, in my opinion are partly responsible. It may come back and bite me in the butt! I will take some of the blame but oh no, I will not shoulder it all. I have been so down from being sick once again and so soon after getting well from the last time. I having been reading up on my condition and am now convinced I caught this in the schools where I clean. It is contagious and God knows there are enough germs there to cause it! I know I have been extra grouchy from being confined, tired, and without a paycheck...my wonderful job with no benefits, no work, no pay. I am also hesitant about returning. It's actually costing me, healthwise at least,  to go back. I may end up sick again, the stress of the whole job situation, and many factors have me puzzled. I know I have to work somewhere. That is not an option. I can't seem to get any help for other heath issues and don't know how to deal with the pain/problems with my hands, hips, or back. I feel like a lazy, worhtless nothing right now but, I know that's not me. In the meantime, I'll be checking on any other job possibilities that hopefully will come along soon. Wayne and I really had a "good one" last night and he has been put on the "list". He told me, more or less to get over the loss of my Dad,  stop blaming the hospital for his death, go back to work and suck it up, and brought up the jobs I've had in the past with benefits. I can't fix that now... the past is the past and can't be repaired or changed. I left a couple of jobs due to no fault of my own, some where I was taken advantage of, some where there was no chance of going anywhere. I was even denied unemployment a couple of times even when it was proven to be misconduct, on the part of the employer. The fact remains, I was able to buy my house because I do work hard, I have a lot of things others don't have because I earned them...little has ever been given to me, just because someone wanted me to have them so, Wayne is full of b/s. I told him he is one way, which is his way, and thinks he's always right. Everything he said to me and about me was so negative that I finally asked him if I'm so bad, why don't you go find somebody else? We've been together 24 yrs. but that doesn't mean we'll be together forever. I see us drifting apart and often wonder if that's the solution. I told him he could have the house or whatever he wanted. My one downfall is my animals. I love them so much and think at times, were it not for them, I may have disappeared when Daddy died. There doesn't seem to be anything else holding me here, yet my finances won't let me hop in my car and go. I've thought about that a lot and haven't completely decided against it. My brother is another concern, problem, etc. No matter who he's mad at, I catch it. He's a rich, miserable, greedy drunk, whose life has always revolved around himself. I hate to put it so bluntly but, that's the way it is. He called me last night to tell me about his birthday celebration this weekend. I know he's really reminding me that he expects a gift... it's not happening. I told him I had been sick again and yeah, he changed the subject. Does he care about me? Hell no! In Dec. on my birthday, he waited until that night to call me and even admitted he forgot! His girlfriend must have reminded him at the last minute to call me. Otherwise I don't believe he would've called at all. This was the first Christmas we didn't see each other. We had their gifts riding around in the vehicle until we finally saw them in Feb. No thank you's, no exchange of presents, no nothing. I know it's better to give than to receive but, to be forgotten, is a whole different "can of worms". That was the icing on the cake. If he ever loved me or even cared about me, that is gone. So back to why I'm still here? I can't figure it out. If I knew I could find good homes for my critters, I would take what I do have and run as far, as fast as I could, and never look back. I have no doubt that the few friends and relatives I have left here, wouldn't even notice I was gone. I have often "fantasized" about driving somewhere, anywhere, finding a job quickly and starting over. If I only knew that to be true, my car would be packed and ready to roll! What's stopping me except the welfare of my animals? Nothing! Gotta figure out something...this is not my definition of living, nor am I doing myself, or anyone else a favor by letting it remain this way! Material things no longer matter. Everything precious in my life, have been taken away.