Wondering Where He REALLY went to ? BUT Thankful for the Time to Myself, anyways....

He CLAIMED - before He left - that He's going OUT to go return a DVD to the Library, and then get a Few things from the Grocery Store that We need. BUT, my gut feeling is that there's a LOT More to His " Walk " than just accomplishing those things. I'm pushing Myself to NOT let My nagging Doubts bother Me, though.... WHY should I ? I mean after all at least whenever He's " OUT " it means I have some Peaceful Time to Myself, and I actually get some Time Online... ON MY OWN COMPUTER !He's been such a HYPOCRITE lately, it's a JOKE ! He expects Me to TRUST HIM COMPLETELY whenever He's ONLINE, BUT whenever I'm ONLINE when He's here, He'll practically HOVER OVER ME especially IF I'm typing ANYTHING, OR CHATTING with Anyone ! The Way I see it is that He figures that since HE'S GOING BEHIND MY BACK, that I must be doing the SAME THING TO HIM ! I wonder IF He even understands the CONCEPT that EVERYONE doesn't behave like He does.... I mean... as far as... LYING, AND ACTIVELY FLIRTING WITH OTHERS BEHIND YOUR PARTNER'S BACK - even to the Point of CALLING THEM when You've PROMISED MANY TIMES THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT ! I don't think He does.It's along the Same Lines as Someone with a Criminal Mind, I think.They can't comprehend HOW anyone lives a Lawful Life.... actually following the Laws on a Daily Basis, and NOT continually trying to find a Way around Them.But... Anyways.... I'm getting a bit OFF the Point.I am FED UP with HIS LIES !!!!! Yesterday I tried something that could have EASILY backfired on Me, but THANK GOD it didn't !I talked to Him DIRECTLY... AGAIN... about the Woman - ( Julie M. ) - that He's been Messaging a LOT through His Tagged.com site, AND THAT I KNOW that He told HER that He's GOING TO CALL HER !OF COURSE.... ( and I don't know WHY I would have even BEGUN to expect ANYTHING ELSE FROM HIM ! ).... He DENIED EVERYTHING !.... and did HIS BEST TO BACK UP HIS MANY LIES BY PUTTING THE BLAME ON HER !!!!! He's done this B.S. in the Past !I can see right through His " STRATEGY " - if it can be called that !When He sees that I'm " ON TO HIM ", He'll get so nervous about being caught that He'll say ANYTHING, AND EVERYHING, that He can think of to make it sound as if it's ALL BECAUSE OF HER... AND FURTHER TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND AS IF THERE'S NO WAY HE'D EVER TRULY WANT TO BE WITH HER.... TO ' PLEASE HER ' AS I HAD READ IN A MESSAGE HE SENT TO HER... AND TO FU*K HER HARD AS HE SAID HE'D LOVE TO IN ANOTHER MESSAGE TO HER !!!!!!! I wasn't stupid, though, and I DID NOT point out HOW I know EVERYTHING that I know. I realize I'm VERY FORTUNATE that He didn't question how I know it all. I was TEMPTED to come out and tell him, but then that would be VERY STUPID OF ME !The Only BACKFIRE - so to speak - about being able to see what He's messaging that Woman is that it hurts Me when I see the Proof that my suspicions are RIGHT ! I'm thinking that perhaps I should STOP even LOOKING at it for awhile..... I mean... really... " WHAT good is it doing Me to know ???? "NOT A BIT !!!!! The ONLY Thing it did was give Me the Guts to come out, and confront Him about it, but then He did the ' USUAL EXPECTED THING ', and LIED ABOUT IT ALL ! Knowing about it isn't going to STOP HIM !.... Obviously, since He's LYING about it to try to cover up what's going on !PLUS, since He OBVIOUSLY thinks I'm an IDIOT, and I can't see the Truth of Things, then He'll continue to do WHATEVER He thinks He can get away with for however long !NOTHING I say to Him will affect what He does !I've learned that the Hard Way MANY TIMES in the Past, already !I WISH He would be HONEST WITH ME !BUT I WONDER IF HE'S EVEN CAPABLE OF TRUE HONESTY ! He always tells Me that HE HATES IT WHEN I EVEN REMOTELY COMPARE HIM TO MY EX-HUSBAND, BUT THE TRUTH IS.... IN A FEW WAYS HE'S JUST LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND !My Ex-Husband was such a LIAR, that I'm sure that at One Point He truly thought that His LIES were ACTUALLY REALITY ! He was literally living in HIS OWN REALITY ! I'm sure Others on His Site know of Someone that's like that.My Boyfriend seems to be heading in that Direction. He started off at first with SMALL WHITE LIES, but over Time as We kept going through the Sick & Twisted Cycle of Him LEAVING ME.... BEGGING TO COME BACK - SWEARING THAT HE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE AND HE TRULY LOVES ME, AND ONLY ME... THEN HE'D EVENTUALLY GO BACK TO ALL OF HIS OLD WAYS.... EVENTUALLY FIND ANOTHER SLUT ONLINE.... AND END UP LEAVING ME YET AGAIN... AND THEN THE CYCLE WOULD START ALL OVER AGAIN ! .....*** Over Time.... after doing this SICK & TWISTED DANCE for so long, His LIES kept getting WORSE, and happening a LOT MORE FREQUENTLY !!!!YES.... I KNOW I'VE BEEN NUTS TO TAKE HIM BACK SO MANY TIMES !!!! I ASK MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY WHY I CONTINUED TO DO THAT SO MANY TIMES ! I DON'T KNOW WHY .... Except Maybe... just Maybe... it's been a Combination of Me holding onto HOPE that Things between Him and I would SOMEHOW WORK OUT, AND that deep down as much as I don't want to admit it that I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ! Those are TWO REASONS I can think of that may have been causing Me to take Him back so many.. many.. times; but it's also MORE than that ! I WISH I had a Power Scooter Chair.... because with My Bad Knees, I'm NOT able to do certain things too easily, like Laundry, Cleaning, and Cooking. Plus, He gets the Mail from the Box that's located in the Next Hallway over in this Apartment Building.... AND He takes the Garbage out to the Dumpster that's located in the Apartment Complex's Parking lot. I can't do those last 2 things because there's just NO WAY I could Walk that much without collapsing from the EXTREME PAIN ! Those Other things like Laundry, Cleaning, and Cooking, I can all do, but it's very hard. He knows how hard it is for Me to do those things, so all except the Cooking, he takes care of. I can do some Cooking with the Aid of a Chair put in the Kitchen that I can sit on while I'm cooking. IF I had a Power Scooter Chair, then I wouldn't have to depend on Him to get the Mail, or take the Garbage out, and it would help Me to be more able to do things in My Apartment as well. He knows how much I depend on Him to help Me out, because of My Bad Knees.I feel He takes advantage of this, as sick as it is.I wonder IF He feels that it gives Him the " RIGHT " somehow, to Treat Me badly whenever something " ticks Him OFF " ! I wonder IF deep down in His Mind He THINKS that I HAVE TO TAKE WHATEVER HE DOES TO ME, because He feels I NEED HIM !Well, I know I can manage on My Own. I've done it before. It's Very Difficult, but it is possible.IF I need to, I can get SOMEONE ELSE to get My Mail, and take My Garbage out. Plus, IF it really came down to it... I could save up money to Hire Someone to come out, and clean My Apartment once a Month, or something. I tell Myself ALL of this, and YET.... I still hang on... WHY ???? For LOVE ???? WHAT LOVE ???? He claims STILL... DESPITE EVERYTHING He's done to Me.... THAT HE LOVES ME.How can He DARE TO SAY THAT ????I don't understand Him.ALL I KNOW FOR SURE... is that I WANT THINGS TO CHANGE...BUT... He shows NO SIGN of Truly wanting to Change, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.... He uses the ' EXCUSE ' that He thinks HE'S BETTER than He was when We first Met back in 2004 !!!! Yeah Right ! ... lol NOT REALLY ! The ONLY Way He's better... IF You can call it that... Is that We DON'T Always argue EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes I get LUCKY, and I actually get about 2, or even 3 Days, in a Row where We haven't argued ! BUT... it's STILL... as It always has been... VERY UNPREDICTABLE ! I can NEVER TRULY TELL IF a Day will be a GOOD DAY, OR NOT. It can start out WONDERFUL, but in an INSTANT it can all go to HELL... Literally !I feel Like I'm CAUGHT in a Whirlwind... with NO SIGN of it letting up !I want OUT of IT ! I really do.... but I'm light-headed from the Confusion and LIES of it all.... I think... and I'm unsure which Way to Turn. I still tell Myself I LOVE HIM.... BUT as One of My Friends reminded Me just the Other Day... Sometimes LOVE is NOT ENOUGH ! I'm sorry this Entry is so Mixed - Up ! I couldn't help that. It simply reflects how My THOUGHTS are at the MOMENT ! MIXED... AND SPINNING... UGH !!!