Women in Captivity

I see we have a new feature to catalog our journal entries.  Why is there no "pontification" or "musings"?  My journal entries are none of the above, as far as the current list is concerned. Here is my  pontification for the day. I mentioned last time that I've gotten very attuned to the signals my body is giving me.  I feel that I'm hanging on every non-verbal word my body has to say, to such an extent that I'm getting clingy.  The relationship I have with my body is like the relationship of a desperate woman with someone she has a crush on.  Who has the power in that relationship?  Not the woman.  The only thing she could do to exert any control over her relationship would be to turn her back on it.  And I am not turning my back on my body, even if that were physically possible.  I am a very captive audience.  I barely have time to think all my body-related thoughts. Here's what's going on in my body:- Head congestion that turns into soreness in ears and throat when I'm tired.  Very mild.  Ongoing for last 2 weeks.- Greater than average (average = zero) libido.  Since last Thursday (cycle day 12).  - Sore nipples.  Since Saturday.- Disrupted digestive system.  As usual.- Occasional neck pain, radiating into shoulder and arm. And these are the thoughts that I have in response:- What if I'm pregnant?  - Could I be pregnant?- Maybe my fatigue and "sickness" is really pregnancy.  But they extend back to when I got my period and the negative pregnancy test.  So probably not pregnancy.  Pregnancy doesn't usually manifest itself in sore eardrums and post-nasal drip anyway.  Pre-existing fatigue is not usually a pregnancy symptom.- Can I take a decongestant?  No!  What if I'm pregnant?  Tylenol maybe, but I really want both.- I have an appointment with my RE on Tuesday (tomorrow) and a competing RE on Thursday.  Tomorrow is Day 16 of my cycle.  Can I meet with both doctors, make a decision, hire one, and get IVF started by Day 19 of the cycle?  I could meet with the first and go with him, and get IVF started this cycle.  Or I could wait 2 days and see the RE with a notoriously bad bedside manner and statistics that are twice as good, and forego the IVF cycle until next month.  - Should I even start IVF when I feel like I have a cold?  Would my baby be born without an arm?  (My one-armed cousin was reportedly the result of my aunt's having the flu early in her pregnancy).- Why does my stomach always feel weird?  Always!  If I'm always nauseated and irregular, how will I know when it means pregnancy, and when it just means that it's letting me down, as usual?- Friday I have an appointment to see the Chiropractor at 8:30 and my psychologist at 12:00.  I need to see the Chiropractor urgently because if I don't see her every 2 weeks, the Insurance company considers me "cured" and won't pay for the appointment.  But the chiropractor just had IVF so I have to discuss it.  Is she pregnant now?  Can I ask without being rude?  I already told her my latest IUI didn't work.  And regarding my psychologist, I told her I could come in to her office at noon on Friday, but that will have been 4 doctors' visits in one week.  I need to be able to work -- or make up -- 50 hours this week.  If I don't work, I'm not going to be able to pay back this $22,000.  But I really need my therapy!  That's what's keeping this busy mind sane.- Is the $22,000 we took as a cash loan from the credit card in our bank account yet, in case we want to tap into it on Tuesday?- I have a doctor's appointment with the regular doctor to discuss my head congestion an hour and a half after I see the first RE tomorrow.  That's a lot of time away from work, too.  But maybe in the interim I could stop by the hospital and get my CD with my X-rays from my HSG on it, to give the second RE on Thursday if we do indeed go.  So what am I going to do?  IVF with our guy (we could get started quicker, and it's conveniently located and they're nice) or the new guy (cheaper, better statistics, probably couldn't get started right away)...- This would all be moot, even the $22,000, if I were pregnant.  But will this be like one of those months early on in the process where my breasts were so sore and I was so exhausted for three or four days, only to have the feeling fade and then get my period?  Will I ever get to the point where people believe that I could really have been pregnant?- Could I take some of my left-over progesterone from any one of my multiple procedures and drug regimens?  If I am pregnant, that could help build up the lining of my uterus.  But progesterone is a cruel mistress, and anyway, I think one is supposed to rely on the doctors to regulate these things, especially if I'm about to start a $22,000 process.- I could use a Diet Coke, for emotional reasons.  But that will just upset my stomach.  Why do I have to have a bad stomach in this body of mine?- I just joined a new gym and have been to two super-fun aerobics classes this week.  If I do IVF I couldn't exercise because it has a negative impact on the IVF process.  So should I put IVF off one month and get well and get in shape a little more?  I have stayed away from getting in shape for the last TWO YEARS because I heard that a drastic weight-loss could discourage pregnancy.  So I've been getting fat instead.  And overweight also has a negative impact on fertility.- Is my husband getting spoiled because I finally had a libido this weekend for the first time in, um, 4 years?- My ears hurt.- If I did IVF this month I could have a Christmas baby.- Yep.  I'm going to have to have that Diet Coke. It's hard to concentrate on work.