Without my boy's again on Halloween.

I use to love the holidays and the winter time. It was my favorite time of year by far. Now I hate it. I dread the season. It has already begun for me expecially now that Halloween is here. I miss my kids so much! I should be there with them picking out there costumes and taking them tricker or treating like I did every year. Just me and my boy's. Gosh, I don't even know what it's like to be with Adam on Halloween. I bet he is soo cute. I was looking forward to things like Halloween with him becasue for some reason I dont really rememebr the details of such nights with the other boys. Particulary I think because I was so miserable in my marriage and that always seemed to mess the good times up or take me away from what was truly important. Nights like tonight and I can't be there. My heart is broken. I don't think it could ever be healed. I don't think I could ever feel any other way than I feel right now. I pray to God that this won't be the case for me. I pray to God that he will give me another chance some day. Maybe another chance with a new little boy (or girl). These are the times I miss them the most and it just kills me. I feel like I am dying. Happy Halloween Bren! Happy Halloween my precious Nicky! And Happy Halloween to my dear little baby boy! I hope your day's are beautiful always and I hope tonight is a great night for you all. My heart is there with you as always. But don't think of me. Make sure you always try to make your selves happy and have fun. What ever it takes!  Even if it means you have to forget about me for now. I will be there when you are all ready some time in the near future, I promise. This will all make since again some day. I promise that day will come. For now, Have a Happy Halloween!