With Him Out Most of the Evening it\'s been Peaceful for Once

My Boyfriend went " Out " for the Evening Tonight around 6 pm, or so, and probably won't be back until anywhere around 11:30pm, or close to 12 Midnight... I'm not really sure exactly since He didn't bother to tell Me when He'll be Home.He went out to go to an A.A. Meeting, and then He planned on Playing Cards with a Friend of His in the A.A. Group after the Meeting. I don't mind Him going Out to His Meetings of course, since it's better for Him to go to them instead of picking up drinking again. Though, as strange as this may sound from what He's told Me about how He acts when He's drinking, I almost wonder IF He'd be somewhat easier to get along with IF He was drinking again ! I hope that doesn't sound too cold of Me to say, but You have to try to understand where I'm coming from. He has a Definite RAGE Problem. He's ANGRY almost ALL of the Time it seems. Just about ANY little Thing can potentially throw Him into a Raging Fit ! It could be something as SMALL as IF I didn't load the Dishwasher when He told Me to !... OR IF I loaded it the " WRONG WAY " according to Him ! I didn't know there were RULES as to how You're supposed to load a Dishwasher, DID YOU ??!! I think You get the general Idea of how quickly, and how unexpectedly He can become VERY ANGRY, and VERY HATEFUL ! Sometimes I think it's the Unexpectedness of His Moods that scares Me the Most, since I could be minding My Own Business watching TV with Him, and I'll say " Something " to Him.... then Suddenly He'll maybe go kind of quiet a first, and IF I dare to ask Him what's Wrong ? He'll then start Yelling at Me about what I said... AS IF I was supposed to KNOW that it would Bother Him !IF I dare to actually break down into Tears because of being afraid of His RAGE, then that only serves to make Him even ANGRIER, and He'll get right up in My Face... with One of His Fists balled up... and threaten to HIT ME if I don't STOP CRYING THAT INSTANT !!!!! So I stiffle My Tears as best I can, and I sit VERY STILL... AFRAID to Move even One Inch for Fear that He'll think I'm giving Him " Attitude " or I'm getting up to call the Cops on Him, or Something !I never realized Before being with Him, how much simply Sobbing can HURT deep down in Your Very Soul ! It hurts even MORE I think than Crying outright ! After reading ALL of This... So Far... You're probably thinking to Yourself... " Why doesn't She call the Cops on Him ???? "... OR " Why doesn't She just tell Him to LEAVE ??? "Well... Like so Many Other Women that go through similar situations, I can only say that it's NOT that Simple ! The most Twisted Part of ALL of this is that I tell Myself that DESPITE how He is Towards Me, and EVERYTHING that He's put Me through... and DONE to Me... I still Love Him Very Much !Lately, though... I've truly begun to ASK MYSELF... " WHY do You Love Someone like that ? "The Problem is... I can't seem to Find an Answer.I don't know. I don't really understand WHY I put up with Him. Except, I wonder IF I'm afraid to be alone because of My Disability, and because of EVERYTHING that He does around here that actually HELPS ME. BUT... I've had a Couple of My Friends Online point out to Me lately that even for ALL of the Thing that He does for Me, it's STILL NOT WORTH going through what He puts Me through.When I read them telling Me that in an E-mail, it makes sense in My Head.... and YET... I still think... " That's Easy for Them to say ! They don't have Problems doing Simple Things like making Their Bed... doing Laundry... Vacuuming, or even going out to the Mail Box to get the Mail Each Day ! " Getting the Mail, and Taking the Garbage Out Each Day, are ALSO things My Boyfriend does for Me... for US. I can't do those things because of My Knees. There's NO WAY I could walk all the Way to My Mail Box, OR to the Dumpster in the Apartment Complex Parking Lot, even with the help of My Walker !!!! I'm beginning to work on TRYING to get a Power Scooter Chair. I desperately NEED ONE ! I'm just Scared that They'll tell Me that I have to come up with 20 % of the Cost of One !I think My Insurance will ONLY cover 80% of the Cost of a Power Scooter Chair ! I don't have a Clue HOW I'll take care of the 20 %, UNLESS They let Me finance it somehow.... but the Payments I could afford would HAVE to be set as SMALL as about 20 to 30 Bucks a Month... NO MORE ! Any More than that, and I'd be having Problems paying My Basic Monthly Bills like Electric, Phone, and Rent ! I think IF I had one of those Power Scooter Chairs, then I'd feel much better about being Alone.But... I'm not sure... maybe even then I might STILL have a Problem telling Him to Leave.I've hung on to Him for a long Time now, despite Our MANY Separations ! Other People don't understand WHY I've taken Him back so Many Times, and I'm starting to wonder Myself WHY I did. I tell Myself it's because I LOVE Him Very Much, and because I know He Loves Me Very Much as well.... YET... IF He Truly Loves Me as Much as He Claims... then HOW can HE be that Way with Me ???!!!! He admitted to Me a Very Long Time ago in this Relationship, that He was Diagnosed Many Years ago as having Bi-Polar Disorder. But He uses that as a " Crutch "... and " Excuse " , if You will, for letting His RAGE EXPLODE any Time He Thinks that Someone has done Him " WRONG " in Some Way ! I've tried MANY Times to get Him to get Professional Help, and get on Medication. I've even told Him that I'll make a few Phone Calls to get Things started, in order to get Him on the Insurance that He would Need. BUT... He doesn't even want to Talk about it ! Any Time I even Try to talk about Him getting Help anymore, He just tells Me to " SHUT UP about it !"So HOW can He get ANY Better, OR Truly Change, IF He NEVER gets any Real Help ????!!!! He tries to point out Sometimes that He's supposedly " MUCH BETTER " - ( as far as His RAGE goes ) - than He was back in 2004 ! BUT... there really are ONLY a FEW Minor differences between Then, and Now.For the Most Part, His RAGE is STILL just as UN-Predictable... AND it's DEFINITELY STILL just as BAD as it was back Then ! When He goes into a RAGING FIT it's as IF He's possessed ! I'm truly NOT exaggerating this !His ANGER scares Me Very Much so ! Many Times I came Very Close to calling the Cops during One of His FITS, BUT... the Thing is He watches ME like a HAWK during it... making sure I have NO ACCESS to the Phone !PLUS... He usually either Threatens to Hurt Me some MORE IF I dare try to Call the Cops, OR He'll tell Me that the Cops will have to SHOOT, and KILL HIM, IF They Try to Arrest Him !!!!! Before I close this Entry... I want to ADD One More Thing. Despite EVERYTHING I just said to You about His RAGE.... the Very Twisted... and STRANGE... Part of ALL of This.. is that There are TIMES... Some Times... When He's actually Very Nice, and Very Kind to Me... Very Loving !Those Times CONFUSE the Heck out of Me, and I find Myself sometimes just staring at Him during One of Those Times, thinking to Myself... " IS this the SAME MAN that can FLY into a RAGE at the Drop of a HAT ?! " During those Times We actually have FUN Together, and I feel that I have a Real, and Loving, Relationship with Him ! BUT... then it WILL ALL Quickly fall Apart as soon as One Thing is said that I had NO Clue was the " WRONG THING ", or even maybe Someone Else upset Him and He'll take that out on Me, and His RAGE is running rampant.... and He's STORMING around the Apartment like a MADMAN ! I just don't know anymore... I've hoped for SO LONG now that Things would get BETTER between Him, and I... but I wonder IF I'm the ONLY ONE doing ALL the Work to Improve Things ?! If He doesn't take ANY Real Action to do Something about His RAGE.... I'm Afraid of what He'll do NEXT to Me... Next Time He gets Angry about a Noisy Neighbor... OR Angry about Something Someone Said to Him Online... Or Angry about Me NOT doing the Dishes when He asked Me to... Or Any Number of Different Things that could potentially set Him OFF !!!!I want to feel SAFE... I want to be Truly Happy Again... and I'm wondering IF I'm really just Pretending to be Happy with Him right now.... since HOW can I be Happy with Someone that I have to be so CAREFUL Around all the Time ???? I've thought about asking My Doctor about getting into Counseling over this, but I haven't gotten around to doing that yet. Since I spend every chance HE ALLOWS ME TO.... Online... I figured I would look for some sort of Free Support Group Online. I HOPE that this Site is what it seems to be, and I HOPE it'll help Me figure out WHAT I should do.