Wishing On A Star,
There are times such as today where I feel so lost. Most days are better than they have been in along while and then out of the clear blue sky it will hit me like a ton of bricks. How is it that I can miss these two people when I am positive that they have not missed me in 10 years.
I wonder what it would feel like to hear the sound of their voices, I wonder what it would be like to pick up the phone and be able to call just because.I have no idea where you are and even if I did I know that it would do no good at all.
How will I ever understand how the two people in this world who should of loved me but did not. How can it ever be explained that the mother who did not love me wanted my daughter beyond what is normal. How could you love her so much but have nothing in your heart for me. Did it bother you so much for me to try and do a better job of being a mother than you did? None of it is right,and all that I am left with is wondering why was it so easy for me to be thrown away.
All of my memories of you both are fading to black and white. I know that at this point that none of it will ever be fixed.I have to face what will never be.I just don't know what to do sometimes when the need is so strong.I can't even say how many times that I would give anything to have a mom, just someone who was proud of me, who would find it very hard to throw me away.
It was known from the start that I was not wanted and I guess that you had a very sick need to make sure my own daughter did not want me. It's sick I know.I can't fix you, I was never enough for you.I write this as if you will read it and even though I know that you won't it might ease my mind today just to get some of it out.
There is still a little girl inside of me that needs to understand, that little girl still needs to be loved by her mother.Because of you I learned to hate myself, because of you I lost my daughter, because of you I am fighting the fight of a lifetime. Tomorrow will be better, but today I needed to cry, today I needed you.
I wonder what it would feel like to hear the sound of their voices, I wonder what it would be like to pick up the phone and be able to call just because.I have no idea where you are and even if I did I know that it would do no good at all.
How will I ever understand how the two people in this world who should of loved me but did not. How can it ever be explained that the mother who did not love me wanted my daughter beyond what is normal. How could you love her so much but have nothing in your heart for me. Did it bother you so much for me to try and do a better job of being a mother than you did? None of it is right,and all that I am left with is wondering why was it so easy for me to be thrown away.
All of my memories of you both are fading to black and white. I know that at this point that none of it will ever be fixed.I have to face what will never be.I just don't know what to do sometimes when the need is so strong.I can't even say how many times that I would give anything to have a mom, just someone who was proud of me, who would find it very hard to throw me away.
It was known from the start that I was not wanted and I guess that you had a very sick need to make sure my own daughter did not want me. It's sick I know.I can't fix you, I was never enough for you.I write this as if you will read it and even though I know that you won't it might ease my mind today just to get some of it out.
There is still a little girl inside of me that needs to understand, that little girl still needs to be loved by her mother.Because of you I learned to hate myself, because of you I lost my daughter, because of you I am fighting the fight of a lifetime. Tomorrow will be better, but today I needed to cry, today I needed you.
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