Wishing On A Star,
There are times such as today where I feel so lost. Most days are better than they have been in along while and then out of the clear blue sky it will hit me like a ton of bricks. How is it that I can miss these two people when I am positive that they have not missed me in 10 years.
I wonder what it would feel like to hear the sound of their voices, I wonder what it would be like to pick up the phone and be able to call just because.I have no idea where you are and even if I did I know that it would do no good at all.
How will I ever understand how the two people in this world who should of loved me but did not. How can it ever be explained that the mother who did not love me wanted my daughter beyond what is normal. How could you love her so much but have nothing in your heart for me. Did it bother you so much for me to try and do a better job of being a mother than you did? None of it is right,and all that I am left with is wondering why was it so easy for me to be thrown away.
All of my memories of you both are fading to black and white. I know that at this point that none of it will ever be fixed.I have to face what will never be.I just don't know what to do sometimes when the need is so strong.I can't even say how many times that I would give anything to have a mom, just someone who was proud of me, who would find it very hard to throw me away.
It was known from the start that I was not wanted and I guess that you had a very sick need to make sure my own daughter did not want me. It's sick I know.I can't fix you, I was never enough for you.I write this as if you will read it and even though I know that you won't it might ease my mind today just to get some of it out.
There is still a little girl inside of me that needs to understand, that little girl still needs to be loved by her mother.Because of you I learned to hate myself, because of you I lost my daughter, because of you I am fighting the fight of a lifetime. Tomorrow will be better, but today I needed to cry, today I needed you.
I wonder what it would feel like to hear the sound of their voices, I wonder what it would be like to pick up the phone and be able to call just because.I have no idea where you are and even if I did I know that it would do no good at all.
How will I ever understand how the two people in this world who should of loved me but did not. How can it ever be explained that the mother who did not love me wanted my daughter beyond what is normal. How could you love her so much but have nothing in your heart for me. Did it bother you so much for me to try and do a better job of being a mother than you did? None of it is right,and all that I am left with is wondering why was it so easy for me to be thrown away.
All of my memories of you both are fading to black and white. I know that at this point that none of it will ever be fixed.I have to face what will never be.I just don't know what to do sometimes when the need is so strong.I can't even say how many times that I would give anything to have a mom, just someone who was proud of me, who would find it very hard to throw me away.
It was known from the start that I was not wanted and I guess that you had a very sick need to make sure my own daughter did not want me. It's sick I know.I can't fix you, I was never enough for you.I write this as if you will read it and even though I know that you won't it might ease my mind today just to get some of it out.
There is still a little girl inside of me that needs to understand, that little girl still needs to be loved by her mother.Because of you I learned to hate myself, because of you I lost my daughter, because of you I am fighting the fight of a lifetime. Tomorrow will be better, but today I needed to cry, today I needed you.
Replies
I\'m so sorry you have to bear this and that today is a hard day. You\'re right, your mom is sick to do such a thing. Hugs to you!
Madeer, it was never that YOU weren\'t good enough. You\'re mom is a very sick person. Is she my daddy\'s sister? I outgrew my desire for my daddy\'s approval. God approves of me and guess what else? \"I\" approve of me! You can too! So sorry you\'re having such a bad day. Try and get a good night\'s sleep tonight.
Marie I think she is my mum\'s sister, and perhaps your dad\'s sister too.
While they all dispensed their poison on us in different ways - it was THEIR poison. It was never about US. We tried, we tried so hard to get them to like, accept and love us - but it never happened. I do know that my mum didn\'t love any of us in the way a mother should. No mother would throw two of her kids away when they were little and then abuse (terribly) the ones that she couldn\'t get rid of because if she had it would have meant that she would have to go out and work for her money.
I really hate to say this but I am glad she is dead now (at 88) and I hope that my siblings can move on and have a happy life now. I will miss them but sometimes you have to give something up for their own good.
Your mother sounds like mine! She told me not long ago that her mother didn\'t like her either. EITHER!!! She enabled my ED to no end!!! I am sure if ED came back she would pick right where she left off!
It isn\'t YOU!!! It is horrible that you have to go through that but it is NOT YOU!!
HUGS
Sounds like your mother lives her life with everything starting with I, as in I need, I am, I want.
I am so sorry that it happened and that nothing not even time can ever erase the pain and hurt.
What I really admire is how you have taken what you have been thru and formed this group that not just helps you but is touching so many of us. You are a wonderful example of what a being a woman is all about. It doesn\'t just take a village to raise a child it takes one to survive the pain of the families we were born into or gave birth to,or dealing with what life is throwing at us. You\'ve given me/us that.
Sounds like your mother lives her life with everything starting with I, as in I need, I am, I want.
I am so sorry that it happened and that nothing not even time can ever erase the pain and hurt.
What I really admire is how you have taken what you have been thru and formed this group that not just helps you but is touching so many of us. You are a wonderful example of what a being a woman is all about. It doesn\'t just take a village to raise a child it takes one to survive the pain of the families we were born into or gave birth to,or dealing with what life is throwing at us. You\'ve given me/us that.
Sad, soo sad. My heart breaks for you, Madeer. I hope today was better for you. Maybe writing your journal and \"speaking\" to her was cathardic for you - I hope so.
Please know that it is her loss and probably has nothing to do with you as the lovely person you are. Some people are just incapable of love and I would not want to live in that world.
Hugs!
Hoping that you are feeling better... Loneliness is different from aloneness. That in itself doesn\'t bother me, I don\'t need to be surrounded by people. I pray that you will feel the hugs being sent to you!
While we are born into families, with all their attendant dynamics, we nonetheless are individuals with individual responsibilities toward God and our world.
All the while, we can lost our responsibility toward ourselves. We can become mired in the dynamics of emotional dependency that comes from our emotional assignments toward certain others...that are incapable of loving.
The legacy can perpetuate itself if we do not find our true, authentic selves and do the best we can to nurture and feed that individual.
The world has plenty of resources for us all, yet if we don\'t appropriate the wonderful world we live within, we can get stuck inside of ourselves.
I give anything to somehow ease your pain just a bit but, I know that I can\'t. It is a personal journey that leads to no where because there is no answer and no solutions. I do empathize. My situation is not the same but it does give me an emptiness that I can not fill. The question always is \"why am I not good enough?\" or \"I wasn\'t good enough for my own mother to love\". It is heartbreaking and at times destroys the very relationships we build in our lives. Just remember as long as you have enough love around you now, that it will fuel you to move on...but never forget.