Wish this were only a dream...
My anxiety about the future is diabilitating & paralyzing; I fear it greatly. Although my depression isn't at suicidal levels as it was last week, I also fear it may return again. Today marks a week that I've given up my fire arm and I feel naked without it. In a distorted way, it was my 'security blanket' for my quick exit out of here if my anxiety/depression reach insurmmountable levels.
We've all had nightmares as kids, I guess we still do as grown ups, but it's more terrifying when I was a kid. After a while, I learned to 'wake' myself up to prevent experiencing the terrifying conclusions.
In comparison, this is how I feel now about my future; wish it was only a dream. Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that recent events was just a dream and that I have a happy day/life ahead of me. Reality soon embraces me. I want to end this real life nightmare so that I won't have to experience the miserable, terrifying future I've already fabricated in my mind; it's a future in which I don't see any other possible scenario. I want my gun back so I can make myself 'wake-up' quickly...
We've all had nightmares as kids, I guess we still do as grown ups, but it's more terrifying when I was a kid. After a while, I learned to 'wake' myself up to prevent experiencing the terrifying conclusions.
In comparison, this is how I feel now about my future; wish it was only a dream. Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that recent events was just a dream and that I have a happy day/life ahead of me. Reality soon embraces me. I want to end this real life nightmare so that I won't have to experience the miserable, terrifying future I've already fabricated in my mind; it's a future in which I don't see any other possible scenario. I want my gun back so I can make myself 'wake-up' quickly...
Replies
So glad to see you\'ve made progress in swimming to the shore.
May I say that I find your writing beautiful though dark. Please give yourself time to come back to the surface (air, life, peaceful as can be).
I know how painful it can be to hold these different parts of yourself inside. I\'m holding believe you can mend and be glad that you\'ve given up your gun.
There is another awakening for you which I would wish. An awakening to all things large, small and beautiful in life.
My anxiety about the future is diabilitating & paralyzing; I fear it greatly.
What, exactly, is it about the future you fear?
Although my depression isn\'t at suicidal levels as it was last week, I also fear it may return again.
We can fear all types of possibilities about the unknown future but why waste time fearing about the future at all when we can only live life one day at a time?
Today marks a week that I\'ve given up my fire arm and I feel naked without it. In a distorted way, it was my \'security blanket\' for my quick exit out of here if my anxiety/depression reach insurmmountable levels.
If it were true security you would not have told someone about having it and what you were thinking of doing with it where this person legally had no choice but to report it to the police forcing you to surrender it. When some object is our security blanket we do not force someone to have it removed from us but instead we would protect and guard it.
In comparison, this is how I feel now about my future; wish it was only a dream. Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that recent events was just a dream and that I have a happy day/life ahead of me. Reality soon embraces me. I want to end this real life nightmare so that I won\'t have to experience the miserable, terrifying future I\'ve already fabricated in my mind; it\'s a future in which I don\'t see any other possible scenario. I want my gun back so I can make myself \'wake-up\' quickly...
The key words here are, so that I won\'t have to experience the miserable, terrifying future I\'ve already fabricated in my mind
This future you are trying to avoid is of your own fabrication meaning YOU are creating it. That means YOU are in charge of it and have the power to NOT create it. You need to understand WHY you are choosing to fabricated in my mind a future that is so unpleasant to you. We need to understand that ALL human behavior is MOTIVATED and you have a MOTIVATION to fabricated in my mind a future that is so unpleasant that it makes you want to die. But this is of your own free choice to fabricated in my mind this future as YOU HAVE CREATED IT. You need to figure out why you are MOTIVATED to fabricated in my mind such a future that it makes you feel the need to end your life.
To get feeling and doing better you need to change what you fabricated in my mind. You need to work at changing those self-destructive thoughts and until you choose to do this you will remain locked into overwhelming despair.
We dont have much control about so very much in life but the one place we are in 100% charge is in having complete and total control over what we CHOOSE to THINK. Whatever we tell our brains to think they have NO CHOICE but to go alone with it. It takes a lot of work to change our patterns of thinking but with hard work we can do it and people are doing it all of the time everyday to break free from thoughts that were only causing them harm.
One small step at a time and it can be done.
:-) Patricia
The anxiety, or fear, is self-perpetuating. You fear the future fear. The fear originates in itself. It is its own cycle. It\'s tough to break out of it. But being aware of it, analyzing it, has got to help some.
I agree that I have self-destructive thought issues. I\'ve sabotaged relationships, including my marriage. It\'s a vicious cycle that I\'m currently confined to; I hope therapy will help reverse this cycle.
Without going into details (it\'s a little complex), I face some very challenging times ahead, perhaps even life changing; I don\'t know how to prepare myself for it and it\'s elevating my anxiety levels thinking about it. It is inevitable; something that I\'ll have to deal with one way or another...
1Patriciann,
The future that I\'m afraid of is of being alone with myself - I hate myself so much that I couldn\'t stand being left to live alone...