Wish this were only a dream...

My anxiety about the future is diabilitating & paralyzing; I fear it greatly.  Although my depression isn't at suicidal levels as it was last week, I also fear it may return again.  Today marks a week that I've given up my fire arm and I feel naked without it.  In a distorted way, it was my 'security blanket' for my quick exit out of here if my anxiety/depression reach insurmmountable levels.
We've all had nightmares as kids, I guess we still do as grown ups, but it's more terrifying when I was a kid.  After a while, I learned to 'wake' myself up to prevent experiencing the terrifying conclusions. 
In comparison, this is how I feel now about my future; wish it was only a dream.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that recent events was just a dream and that I have a happy day/life ahead of me.  Reality soon embraces me.  I want to end this real life nightmare so that I won't have to experience the miserable, terrifying future I've already fabricated in my mind; it's a future in which I don't see any other possible scenario.  I want my gun back so I can make myself 'wake-up' quickly...