Wish My Saturday Nights Didn't Always End In TEARS....
Tonight was my BESTESS GIRLFRIENDS BIRTHDAY. We have been planning it for weeks now. A beautiful dinner cocktails, and of course dancing. Went and bought new dress and strappy sandles. Nails done hair done make up done to perfection and of course a little bling. Dinner was really good most of the time I eat soup and salad with fruit. But sometimes mama needs a steak. A big one prime rib with baked potato and those butter rolls. I love butter if it were legal I would marry it. Anyway after a few strawberry margarita's the music started and we were dancing and laughing started to forget how he hurt my heart yesterday with his meaness. Then the slow songs started and that's when it hits you. I don't have a special someone to hold and slow dance with anymore....
I hate that feeling then I start to notice all the little things my friends husbands and boyfriends were doing for them. Like rubbing their backs, holding their hands, even rubbing the bottoms of their feet if they were sore from dancing in high heals. All the I love you's and hey baby would you go get me another beer ect... Most of them are still newlyweds so their clueless I mean they probably still shave their legs. They haven't learned that intimacy slowly goes from hours of passion to 5 minutes during a commercial break. Shorter if the commercial has a fast car or a talking monkey in it. Then that's when I realized that it's all those little moments I miss so much. All the little things that only I knew about him that made him my husband. I just miss someone to hold hands with or get me another beer or cheer with me during the big game. My heart hurts still because I feel like he doesn't miss any of these things. WHY? How could he not miss all the little things we shared over 23 years.
How will anyone else know that when he has a headache if you run a comb or your fingers through his hair it goes away. How will anyone else know that he has to have 2 cups of coffee in the morning before he can focus, or he likes his chili with extra cheese. These are things you learn over the course of a marriage things only a wife would know. This just breaks my heart to think that someone else will ever know all these things about him. Maybe they won't not unless someone else wants to invest 23 years to find out. Maybe I shouldn't have so many strawberry margarita's before I journal.......
I hate that feeling then I start to notice all the little things my friends husbands and boyfriends were doing for them. Like rubbing their backs, holding their hands, even rubbing the bottoms of their feet if they were sore from dancing in high heals. All the I love you's and hey baby would you go get me another beer ect... Most of them are still newlyweds so their clueless I mean they probably still shave their legs. They haven't learned that intimacy slowly goes from hours of passion to 5 minutes during a commercial break. Shorter if the commercial has a fast car or a talking monkey in it. Then that's when I realized that it's all those little moments I miss so much. All the little things that only I knew about him that made him my husband. I just miss someone to hold hands with or get me another beer or cheer with me during the big game. My heart hurts still because I feel like he doesn't miss any of these things. WHY? How could he not miss all the little things we shared over 23 years.
How will anyone else know that when he has a headache if you run a comb or your fingers through his hair it goes away. How will anyone else know that he has to have 2 cups of coffee in the morning before he can focus, or he likes his chili with extra cheese. These are things you learn over the course of a marriage things only a wife would know. This just breaks my heart to think that someone else will ever know all these things about him. Maybe they won't not unless someone else wants to invest 23 years to find out. Maybe I shouldn't have so many strawberry margarita's before I journal.......
Replies
I\'m so sorry you found a painful moment in a time of fun. You never know when those triggers are going to hit. I\'ve had moments like these as well. There\'s no getting around them, just through them.
Sending you loads of hugs. It does get easier, my friend.
I\'m sorry that you had a tough time. I know how you feel. I hope too that it gets easier. (Hugs)
Disney, KEEP IN MIND that no matter how wonderful someone\'s marriage APPEARS TO BE it could be a living Hell behind closed doors. Nobody knows what it\'s really like unless they are in it! Be glad you are out of yours! Chin up, my dear, and keep plowing ahead!
I am so sorry hopeing you had a good time in spite of the flashback moments((HUGS)).
Disney I\'m a people watcher. I like watching people have fun. If you watch closely enough you might see the cracks in their marriage. You said these were newly weds. They haven\'t had the challenges that happen in a marriage to crack that image of a perfect relationship.
I hope you had a good time while you were out with friends. Just the getting ready to go out would be thrilling to me but I live a simple life.
I know how you feel. I was at a program the other night with another older couple, yep older than me, and was observing how they were interacting. Nothing particularly lovey dovey...they are probably in their mid to late 70\'s but I mentioned to my good friend that that should be T & me 10 to 15 years down the road. I do regret that I am not going to experience having that long extensive relationship with someone special. There is so much depth to their relationship. I really envy them.
I also had a friend tell me after I told her I was getting divorced that she always envied T & me....so you never know.
Hugs...I hope you still had a marvelous time.
It sucks when they chose not to live up to their end of the deal. I understand those triggers and how things can quickly head south. Hope you were able to salvage most of the evening and have fun! I think marrying butter sounds fantastic!
08/28/2011 11:10am
For the past few days I have been \'over the edge\'. I have been worrying about this hurrican that has just past through. I felt so alone, even though my boys are around, I was still alone to deal with the emotions and work I was going to have to do to prepare and the aftermath that I was going to be facing.
Your journal said so many things about how well we know these ex\'s, when and what they needed. As I read I felt your sadness, and began feeling all those emotions myself.
It took me a while to realize that like yourself, I was thinking about all those thoughtful things we did for them, how well we knew them. Then I was trying to remember those thoughtful things that he did for me. I couldn\'t remember many, other than I guess he was just there. I longed for all those \'thoughtful gestures\'. I\'m sad because I don\'t think ex ever knew me, the way I knew him. I have always required, so little, so maybe thats why I got \'so little\'.
What I miss is maybe just something I never had and now I yearn for it.
I\'m sending you (((hugs))), prayers, comforting thoughts, understanding, love and friendship.
Thanks everyone always comforting to know you are all out there for support when I begin to slide back. I need to start giving myself more credit for where I am instead of focusing on where i\'m not. GeoQ i\'m glad you got through the hurrican ok that is very scary. We don\'t have those here in AZ but we are in Monsoon season and these storms hit suddenly and violently and are very scary to. We lost power a few nights ago and I was wishing he was here to help us feel safe then I got pissed that he wasn\'t. I just pulled us through it myself and I think the kids were proud of their mom for not losing it. You were so right on when you said maybe we are longing for something we never had my stbx didn\'t know me either. There were many times when he would say or do something that would upset me and he would look shocked. Then I would say \" Have you even met me?\" Thus proving that after 23 years he still didn\'t know what would upset me or make me smile. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts everyone....
Sorry you were missing him, but it is normal. You invested a lot of you in him, and yes, we tend to remember the \"good\" things they would do, but we must also remember the \"bad and hurtful\" things they did to destroy the marriage, to destroy us. He chose to not respect you and your family, he chose to be SELFISH! You are a kind, sweet, loyal, faithful person, and he didn\'t appreciate you. You deserve better!!
Kathi is right, we never know what it is like behind doors, people APPEAR to be happy but it might be totally different than what it actually is. My H had always APPEARED in public to put me up on a pedistal and how he honored me, but in reality it was actually the opposite behind closed doors
Take care my friend, we didn\'t chose to get on this roller coaster from HELL. It will get easier, GOD will guide us and give us strength. ((HUGS))
Sorry you hit one of your triggers. I know I would feel the same way.Hang in there! Sending you hugs! :) Maggie
Hi Disney,
That sounds like it would have broken my heart, too! \"Heartbreaking\" seems to be a theme word for me lately. I have no idea how your x threw it all away - be glad you can\'t understand it I guess, b/c that means you are not like that. I know it must have been a shock, though, to find out that he was like that. Some of your comments are very funny - great to keep a sense of humor in spite of all.
Reminds me a bit of my going to a ballroom dancing class to try to get \"out there\" and build self-esteem - dressed myself up, too - only to find that there was only one man there, and I had to spend most of the time holding up my arms dancing with a pretend ghost man - sigh.
Oh sunshine a ghost man that\'s just sad. But ball room dancing thats cool. I wanted to join a bowling league with my friends and the only one left was for SINGLE SENIORS!!!! Try 80 somethings trying to life a bowling ball and be flirty it took 2 hours to bowl one game.